Do you ever want to be respected, to be a good parent, to be a good leader type? Well Personal Boundaries is something i consider a true trait of one of the former types. If you wish to be respected by others you must set your own personal boundaries, but on the flip side while personal boundaries are about your beliefs, values and which lines cannot be crossed, they are also indirectly teaching the very people you share this world with.
Personal boundaries are sort of like rules we put down in our reality through respect, this respect for ourselves is formed by our very own beliefs and values. In fact the quicker you put down your own boundaries the quicker you tell others what type of person you are and what you tolerate and don’t tolerate in another person who comes into your life or your space, so think to yourself what do you class as right and wrong in your reality?
Beliefs are what we believe to be true regardless of whether its true or not in the real reality, beliefs are more like assumptions and philosophy in general. Someone who follows religion follows a certain belief, a person who follows a certain mindset has their own belief because they have their own way of saying whether this is right or wrong or whether they way someone lives is good for them or not. Beneath the surface of a belief are its values.
Values are things we hold close to us and preach when they are somewhat challenged, a belief may be that if someone does this in your life the person who did it is bad, the value could be that the thing they trespassed on was that this person swore in front of you and you don’t like bad language, fair enough right?
Some values of mine would be: Trust, Honesty,Equality and Acceptance of everything in general. Some more vague ones may be that i don’t want someone in my life that is rude, disrespectful or someone who steals etc. Values are important because they do deem your character and what you tolerate.
Something you deem respectful and correct in your space is important because people are offended by certain boundaries being broken and people going against their wishes and shaking the space in which the boundary was set down. IF you set a boundary down your telling someone what is not acceptable or tolerable in your life or space, if this boundary is broken or in other words the rule is broken then you will feel disrespected by someone you expected to respect your wishes/boundaries.
Lets pretend i put down a boundary to my guests at my apartment that they cannot smoke in my flat, this is a boundary put down straight away, even if the guests can be trusted its important that all people know my rule or boundary. It may seem common sense but putting down boundaries is imperative to not only being a good leader but a good parent and a good teacher. Sometimes people do not know your level of respect: for example my friend from up north did some things in my apartment i did not really like, the problem was easily solved when i was assertive and told him what i expected and what i tolerated. In that situation it was a matter of him being used to what he was taught back home, his values and beliefs were from a different city, a different family. He did something i here consider bad in my space but he did not see that it was bad because he was brought up differently.
When i told him about my boundary what did i do? I told him and taught him something, i gave him a clue of how to behave whether that’s in daily life or just under my roof, he understood what i wanted and my standards, he knew if he broke them he would have to leave. On top of all that the biggest thing learnt from setting boundaries is that if you don’t set them the person doesn’t know how to behave or act in your presence. Be assertive so that this person cannot hurt you, this person doesn’t know they are hurting you or disrespecting you until you let them know of the boundary you have set down in your personal space whether that be your house or your room.
A big part of setting boundaries is like drawing a line so others know that crossing that line is a sign of disrespect, you are teaching someone right from wrong. If you do not speak up of your boundaries the said person will keep bothering you with disrespect until you do something about it. This leaves another big question, what do you when the person breaks your boundary? In a nutshell you tell them to leave and if they don’t you have two ways to make them leave, call the cops tell the person to leave, of course that depends on your situation and who you are dealing with.
The point is not to boss with boundaries but to tell others you deem something either wrong or disrespectful before they do it or think of doing it. This means that if someone does disrespect you it is known to be intentional rather than naive, disrespect done naively without you telling a person is not quite as bad as someone who purposely and intentionally disrespects you.
Here are some examples of bounadaries:
- I don’t tolerate people smoking in my apartment.
- I don’t tolerate people in my life who lie about something serious, if they lie they have already broken my trust.
- I don’t tolerate a partner to cheat on me, if they do i would leave.
- I don’t tolerate bad/immature behavior/attitude in general, i ignore people like this.
Always tell someone or a group especially in your space that you don’t tolerate something, simply say i don’t tolerate this. The important thing is to create healthy boundaries and boundaries that are realistic, saying you don’t tolerate people speaking in front of you is pretty silly. It is all about the respect you have for yourself and others that comes into boundaries, when it comes to teaching others what is right and wrong your doing it for their good as well as yours.
So remember when setting boundaries only set them at the right times, if someone does something you don’t like tell them. Its assertive and tells the other person that what they did either hurt you or disrespected what you belief in and what value you hold close to you. I for one would not like any stranger in my house swearing or using foul language in front of my kids, would you? That is another example of a boundary to set. Don’t be scared to set them, get the respect you deserve as a person and teach others too.