Do not Seek Approval


approval

This is fairly useful for a lot of people, some people do it without even knowing they do it. I thought i would go through what this means and how to stop doing it.

When a person feels like others around them are better than them they usually seek approval from the other, in other words they will try to fit in and look for acceptance from other people in a social group or social setting when around new people.

People will feel inferior in groups and it is quite common, the only thing here is that someone going out to make friends and get people to like them will end up using approval methods to be noticed or liked when they could have just appeared, been them self and simply sit back and relax, they could have spoken when they felt like it without worrying what others thought of them.

Approval seeking can be done in specific ways such as asking “can i please do this” or “i will buy you a drink” or “im so sorry, can i please ask you something”. Other include people giving compliments or gifts.  This is not to say there are lots of people out there that do get on their knees and beg for friends but im just saying that if you are doing any of this please stop, take your self respect back and dont put anyone above yourself like this.

Instead of trying to fit in or get friends by giving them stuff or asking permission simply walk in and act like you know them or better yet sit with them and speak when you feel comfortable to speak. The best bit about approval seeking is that it can be very manipulative even if you don’t know it, it can be unconsciously manipulative for the better who do not know they are doing it. Bless them.

If you wish to have something such as a friend or partner stop walking in with the mindset they are better than you because they are not, no one is better than another. Your not better than them and they are not better than you. If you wish to be on a level playing field with others you must have that mindset from the beginning, if you walk in with a mindset of “they are better than me” you will always put them before you but also look for approval from them. Sometimes we as people do this for the most silly reasons such as winning someone over or getting something in return.

Approval seeking for getting something in return is almost like saying “can we trade?”, or in other cases “im not worthy of your presence so give me some approval”.

So remember know you are equal to others, no one is better than the other, simply accept them as just people. Next time you see that freaky, good looking or intimidating person dont put them higher or lower, accept them as a person and someone who does not control your decisions, you decide, seek your own approval by giving yourself permission, self-validate yourself this way. On that note do not let them see you are below them or afraid of them, if you wish to be lower than them you only encourage them to think they are much higher and better than you.

7 thoughts on “Do not Seek Approval

  1. Enjoyed your article jay – very timely for me as I was in a situation recently with meeting new people etc. I have to fight the urge to “please” in order to feel accepted.

  2. Hello Jay,
    I agree with the overall theme that it is best to not be dependent on the approval of others for our feeling of self worth.

    The only nuance I would suggest is the value of seeking social feedback, not approval. I work with children with Autism that have great difficulty understanding social thinking (see socialthinking.com) and have difficulty responding appropriately to social feedback. Since humans have evolved into social beings, how we are perceived by our community and co-workers is important to our ability to navigate the “hidden curriculum” of social convention. I agree that it is easy to cross the line and let the thoughts/feelings/opinions of other people define who we are.

    I absolutely agree with the notion that we need to view ourselves and other people as equals.

    Thank you for a great post.

    • Hey thanks for commenting. I know what you mean, feedback is a big part of growing too especially of our loved ones, some of us less aware look for approval to be accepted i.e when we were younger we wanted to know if we were right doing this or that or that we are okay as people. A type of validation i guess.

      Much respect to you btw for the job you do, i have a cousin with autism and he always ask if doing this is okay or that is okay, i know that is just him as a person and really he is just wanting to do the best for everyone, he just wants someone to give him a direction in which to behave etc.

      And definitely, i hope the whole world will be like that some day (equal and accepting). Thank you for posting :)

  3. Great article and I agree with you. I think here is the biggest potential in harmonising our relationships.

    I just nominated you for the versatile blogger award- no pressure to take part; but if you do wish to know what it entails, just click my link http://wp.me/p1Pe8N-8l.
    Congrats either way and have a wonderful week ahead! Love, Sandy

    • Thanks Sandy! That’s very kind of you :) Going to read up about the blog award thing now and find out more about it, I hope you have a fantastic week too. Jay.

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