From a personal development point of view one big part of living is learning from our mistakes or learning how to deal with problems we create ourselves in our life. One part of that is also allowing to others to mature in their own time.
This means that if a friend or partner has a problem they must face or overcome this person must learn to face it on their own at some point. Sometimes we feel we need to stand in and sort everybody elses problems out for them, sometimes we do this to make every thing perfect for the other person, we just want to be that savior of them. The funny thing here is that doing this actually takes a learning experience away from the very person you love, cherish and care about.
So how does it work? Well some people do create their own problems, they dig their own hole and jumping in it, they otherwise get them self in a messy situation. Perhaps this person didn’t do their homework or they put them self into a situation they don’t like such as lying to their friends. This person may cry out for help and i am all for helping people but would you really help this person if they kept doing the same thing over and over and not learning from it? If that is the case you shouldn’t help as there is only so much you can do. Sure the friend may ask for help and you will help them no doubt but if your friend carries on with the same mistakes isn’t this a sign that this person must become independent and correct their own mistakes?
When a friend/family member gets them self into problems all the time, its time to say ‘no’ and allow this person to go through a process of learning and maturing. This is the only they can learn. Learning the hard way is sometimes the best way especially if someone doesn’t learn from your help and advice. Even if we care about the person we should not want to steal a learning process from them as this build character for the very person who is dealing with it. Instead; after they have made the same mistake twice we should let them learn on their own so they can strengthen themselves as a person and build themselves a character to overcome life’s problems.
I have seen many people becomes too territorial over other peoples problems. I once saw a teacher giving a student criticism, good criticism, the teacher was trying to help a student by getting him to study harder and to stop misbehaving, i observed everything said and agreed in my mind that this teacher had been very civil with his student and told him the best thing to do. When it comes to homework the student obviously had not done his homework, even the effort would of been enough to show that he had tried at the very least. Of course the student did carry on with the same problems after the teacher told him. It actually caused trouble at school throughout the whole time he was there. A few weeks later his father was in threatening the teacher when really the father should have been directing his attitude toward his son.
The main point to take is that if someone does not want to change you cannot change them but at the same time if someone wants help you can try to help them change as they are asking for your help, in this instance the student didn’t ask for help nor did he try his best. However when this person comes to a point of not doing themselves any favors its time to let this person (even if it is your friend) grow up alone and see their own problems, they must deal with it and get past it. If they don’t get past it now they will only face it later.
So if you have a friend who needs help changing his/her ways and asked you nicely to help offer them help then they are trying to change and just need a boost, give them that boost. If this friend is immature and isn’t changing one trait you consider a bad deal breaker do not be afraid to tell them but allow them to change this in their own time without your help. A problem is created by the person who made it, it then becomes the original creators decision to get past that problem and rectify it whether that be a bad attitude or just a bad habit. Allow them to grow on their own.
Some valuable lessons:
1) always offer someone help if they look like they need it.
2) if someone asks for help do help them with it.
3) if a person keeps making the same mistake point out they keep making the same mistake.
4) if someone in your life needs to change something serious and isn’t changing it its their problem not yours. There is only so much you can do to help, the rest is up to them.
5) if someone has a bad problem such as bad behavior and this causes bad friendship between you and the other it is time to accept that you cannot be around this person until they change the necessary trait or habit about them self.
Point 4 is important because someone who has had several chances must overcome it on their own with effort. Point 5 is something i encountered in my teen years when i had a lot of friends. What happened is that i had a friend who was a bad influence and to be honest wasn’t a nice person, until i made that decision to move on and leave this person behind i felt much better, this friend never really had anything good to say about anyone and would not change their attitude. Sometimes we outgrow people, at the same time be forgiving of someone elses actions and give them a chance to change if they have a trait or habit you deem a bad influence.