Can you realistically get an ex back?


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How can you get your ex back?

Everyone goes through breakup at least once, some of you are upset, some of you are panicking that you have lost not only the relationship but also the person you love so dearly. This is where I stop, *shake you* and say “do not worry! don’t panic”. Breakups are actually more common than you think they are and there is one guaranteed way to get your ex coming back to you – you may have heard of this tactic before. The tactic is called ‘No Contact‘ (NC).

You may wonder what NC is about and what it means. No contact as a tactic is pretty straight forward and can be used by anyone straight after their breakup; however this tactic only applies to you if you were the one who was dumped or the one who had more feelings invested into the relationship. The only thing you have to do in NC is simply not contact your ex girlfriend/boyfriend. This means take a step back and realize your ex partner no longer wants to be in a relationship with you, this is hard to take and to understand especially if its your first time breakup. What you must do is be okay with the breakup and say your good byes and move forward with your life.

On that same note this means you will have to stop being friends with this your ex; I can tell you now 99% of cases after breakup will not get their exes back by sticking around as friends simply because it is like telling your ex they can treat and keep you as second best while they seek a replacement. That replacement person may possibly be someone your ex has had in reserve for a while waiting in the wings.

So what does ‘No Contact’ do as a tactic? NC is for you to stay away from the ex so you can heal and move past all the emotional baggage you have now due to the breakup, sticking around the ex and being friends will only land you with friend zone and a further more damaged heart and feelings. You will be in the life of someone who is no longer in love with you and can play games with you or simply give you false hope of getting back together then not. You do not want to be in the position of seeing your ex dating a new person within a month or two because you will be upset about it and the new person will definitely have an advantage over you, in that case it is best to simply back off and not be friends. You will wreck any chances of future reconciliation if you don’t get out of your exes life and move forward with your own. Simply cut contact with them, realistically this is the only way you can move past it all.

The only time you should talk to the ex again is when they come back with a real reach (something that shows they want the relationship). Any “I miss you” texts or ones to do with a sex hookup are not considered real reaches of getting back together so do not reply to them. Use your best judgement of whether they wish to come back but let me tell you now some exes are very smart at this kind of thing. Protect yourself in NC and heal.

NC will not only allow you to heal but to grow as a person and overcome the pain, breakup is inevitable for many simply because relationships are tough; In that sense I would simply avoid blaming each other, accept you werent compatible as a couple and simply take any responsibility for any mistakes you made and move on. Do not make your ex out to be someone perfect and feel sorry for yourself; simply allow your mindset to return to how it was before you met this person. In NC you must achieve the mindset of ‘I am over this person’ otherwise you will go back to an ex and simply make the same mistakes you did again and again like the first time. Really look at why the relationship ended during NC and figure out why it ended, once you know why that is what you have to work on along side your mindset of getting over it all. Before you can have a new relationship with any ex you must correct the mistakes of the previous relationship and trust me this is a two sided affair, there is no one person better than the other, it is simply up to each person in the past relationship to find out where they went wrong and work on it.

The answer to getting your ex back lies in where you value yourself and looking at the problems that caused the breakup in the first place, only when you find them can you realize what went wrong in the relationship. This is not so you can go back to your ex and fix it as this is almost like telling them you don’t mind being second best and then being disrespected in the process. You need to become more attractive and more compatible during the NC period and part of that is moving on, your mindset changes when you move on and thus you become more attractive, still don’t get it? I don’t expect you to. Care less about the relationship you had with the ex and perhaps you will find out what i mean. Staying in their life is just giving them the chance to disrespect you further by both stringing you along and by finding a nice replacement for you, how will you feel when that happens? It doesn’t matter if your ex is ‘nice’ or because you trust them more than a stranger because you have lost the relationship and impressing exes does not work, it just pushes them further away.

IT is not manipulation to do No Contact (NC) it is called ‘choosing to be happy rather than miserable’. Why be second best? The answer to getting your ex back is YES and NO but being a pushover and allowing the ex to both disrespect you and put you in the waiting queue is like sacrificing your happiness for your ex to be happy while you suffer.

Final Note:
Your breakup starts here but if you keep busy and set new goals in your life you will move on faster. You ask me “why move on when I am trying to get the ex back?”. Well this question is easily answered, do you lose anything from moving on? OR are you simply hanging/clinging to hope of someone that makes you feel good in a fake way? Once the ex is no longer in your life its time to see the reality: you now have to live alone and realize there is also a chance the ex may not come back, be prepared for it. Keep strong guys and girls. If you have any questions please feel free to drop me a comment and I will help you find the best direction for your situation. Thanks!

255 thoughts on “Can you realistically get an ex back?

  1. I have been with my ex gf for 5 years but in feb 2014 we broke up and reason was me as i cudnt give her enuf time and attention but she was very much into the realtion .so things went wrong and i controlled.my feelings that i may live without her but i couldnt and all of a sudden my emotions for her outbursted . But she is stubborn that she will neva come back to me and will neva be with me. Sje says that she has a new friend and she is into him. But i cant believe how she can forget about our times or this is just a rebound relationship. I also cant apply NC becz i was the reason for breakup and i have no time as well as she has now some guy with him …please help me out

  2. Me and my ex gf were together for 5 years but broke up on feb 2014. The reason was i was not giving her time and that much attention ..also i saod her once i cant hamdle this easily but i mever wanted her to go. But we broke off and after 6 months i am trying her to get her back but she says everything inside her is killed and she not loves me anymore and cant give me another chance. She also made up a new friend whom she says that she is into him and this is same guy who loved her when we both came into relationship. But sometimes she says that i am not in a relationship with that guy and i have no right to question her on this. And i should not be bothered about this
    I cant apply NC here as breakup was becz of me so what to do.help me out as i seriously want her back .

  3. Hi Jay,
    I split yesterday with my bf of over 2 years, so this is very fresh. Although I have thrown him out of my place on maybe 2 occasions it hasn’t been a break up it is purely to give us space. I guess I did it for him to change his ways. He is suffering from depression and although his behaviour has got better in the last few months, I have got to a stage that coping with his erratic behaviour of his insecurities, jealousy, paranoia and out bursts it has got too much and has made me feel drained. At the beginning of these issues I was very comforting and patient with him, I would just take his behaviour. I eventually went out of my way to sort him out with counselling sessions. He went to about 3 and came back saying he didn’t feel the need to go anymore because he said that he feels fine, but he has a lot of things from his childhood that he can’t possibly have covered in those sessions to feel suddenly fine.

    Anyway he made a conscious effort to change and control his feelings which I feel comes from anger and also his upbringing having been adopted. It breaks me seeing him as someone so special to me and seeing him not live fully because if his demons. He has a good heart but he fears rejection and feels an outcast. He puts all love into his music, his number one passion. It’s all he knows. He has done tv shows and got highs and lows from it. He fell into depression and has been trying to fight his demons in order to move on in life and be with me.

    Although he is getting better on my part I started feeling less patient as I hold the things he’s put me through against him – which is wrong but coping with someone’s mental health has been tough. So I have become the angry one now. Reflecting on this since the break up I feel regretful of how I had become. He was trying to make me happy only this time I was pushing him away because as the outbursts of his cane back not as bad or as frequently I would then reply with ‘here we go again!’ He then would feel frustrated. We both feel frustrated but love each other.

    This week something changed. He had performing for some entrepreneur types and met someone who offered him to move out to the states and to concentrate on his music. I had been a bit off with him recently because of just feeling like I was the only one putting the effort and thinking will this situation ever change. Will he change? I began to ignore him hoping he would ask me what was wrong but he seemed just leave me. I guess I wanted him to ask what was wrong but he never really did.

    So he came back after performing somewhere and told of this persons offer to go to the states, at no point did he mention myself or my child in his plans. It was heartbreaking. I have been there and he is leaving us! He had this confidence about him. He seemed different this time. When I questioned him about myself and my child he answered with well we haven’t been getting on. He says I look at him negatively but my anger towards him stems from the things I’ve had to cope with from him. I feel like he’s used me and was waiting for something better to come with music. I couldn’t take his answer I asked him to tell the truth, it seemed too easy for him. I asked you don’t want to be with me, you’ve met someone etc…he just kept saying I don’t know and we haven’t been getting on. I eventually feeling exhausted said to him that I felt he didn’t want to fight for this and was being selfish and was trying to give him many times to change his mind. Eventually I broke down and told him to needed to leave, he said he had no where to go. I said he needed to leave before my child woke up that due to his decision to leave us it was wrong for him to stay. I felt so much hurt & pain. I helped him, invested in this and now he’s just leaving us.

    He finally left as I pushed him to make a decision and also packed his stuff for him. I know he is staying at hotel not far from me but I remember him saying about finding a hostel after. I now worry what he us doing how he feels and who he could be speaking to? I know I shouldn’t but I’ve noticed he has been on fb & twitter adding girls. I fear he has just like that forgotten me already.

    When he left he saw an ugly me, in looks and personality. This is not me. When he left I wanted just call him back and let’s sort this but I stayed composed and felt he’s gone now, no going back.

    We were meant to going on holiday with the rest if my family this week. I felt that we needed it to get us back on track but now that is not the case. But I do feel I need this trip and it might do good for me and my child. But I only think if what he’s doing and how he is.

    I would appreciate if you could share some light on this. Thank you.

  4. Hi, Me and my Ex were dating for 3 months .. we met through mutual friends, the day we met a passion I have never felt before came over me, she felt the same and asked me to take her to the cash machine (for safety) I agreed and as we walked to the cash machine a few people stopped us and said … you two make a lovely couple, I just smiled, she said “we’re not a couple…. YET” then looked at me and smiled.
    after looking into her eyes and her looking into mine, we embraced in one of the most amazing kisses I have ever received.. we were a couple from then on.
    we stayed at a friends that night to get to know each other better before committing to a relationship.. we got on like a house on fire, and the relationship soon flourished, the first date was amazing .. neither of us could have been happier, I took her home and she invited me in for coffee, I had a coffee then left.. a couple of days later we were back in each others arms.
    for the first month we spent every day and all the time we could together, then things started to change.
    after month 2 she started to hit me and call me names, tell me I stink and she didn’t like my clothes, I changed my clothes to 2 sizes smaller (I like to wear baggy clothes she likes them to be tight), I showered more often (to no help, I sweat as soon as I get out the shower or bath, I use different deodorants but none of them work for long) I only wore the clothes she liked.
    on month 3 we were arguing quite a lot and decided we needed space .. we had arranged the previous month to go to Slovakia (her native country) for me to meet her parents, I stated I thought this could be a mistake, she reassured me things would be fine, so we went.
    the whole time in Slovakia she was with her family and friends … I don’t speak Slovakian so she had to translate for me as nobody else spoke English.
    on the 4th day of the holiday (and me feeling bored and like a spare part) we went out with her friends drinking .. the only person to talk to me, one of her Slovakian friends saw she was not talking to me so decided he needed to, he bought me a few drinks and I bought him a few back .. a lot later that night I remember nothing .. but apparently I got in a fight with somebody and argued with my girlfriend I stormed off angry and managed to find her house (god knows how) she turned up a few hours later and we argued but I remember nothing, she told me to pack my bags and leave .. I did.
    the train was due to take me to the airport at 10:41, she phoned me at 10:37 asking me to come back, I needed too as I left my plane ticket with her.
    we had a chat and I said it was a mistake me coming .. I apologized for my drunken state the night before.
    we made up and agreed not to drink unless it was a small amount.
    a week later we returned to England, and things were great … then we had a small row and she told me the only reason she asked me to return to the house in Slovakia, was because her parents told her to … they also told her if she wanted to break up with me do it in England.
    we lasted 3 days after that, then she told me I’m suffocating her and she needs time without me, I give her time but she doesn’t message me at all … I messaged her asking if she had a good day at work and she said yes but shes tired, I wished her a good nights sleep and continued doing my own thing, 2 hours later I noticed she was still online (while i was talking with another friend) I messaged her asking if she was okay as shes online 2 hours after saying shes tired, she logged off and went to sleep.
    the next morning she replied “so f***ing what if I’m online 2 hours later, it’s none of your business” I replied apologizing reassuring her I was just checking she was alright .. as I was.
    2 days later I was out with friends and she messaged me telling me we are over, she never wants to see me again.
    I went to her house in my tipsy state and asked her why .. she said she doesn’t feel the same anymore, I said can we try a week of no contact (we’ve never lasted more than 3 days before) she reluctantly agreed. we kissed and hugged passionately and I said my goodbyes, just as I was walking away, she replied, you haven’t lost me forever, you just need to sort a few things, I believe in Karma just the same as you, if we are meant to be together forever, we will be.
    I am very very rubbish and no contact .. shes amazing and I’m not afraid to say the spark I had when I met her is still there, I just genuinely believe she doesn’t love me back.
    I have been round friends and managed to not contact her even thought it’s killing me.

    can somebody advise me, is it worth the trouble or did she fall out of love with me as quick as she fell in it?

    p.s her brothers have spoken to me 1 in England and 1 in Slovakia, both have said just give her time she loves you, but she looked me in the eye and said to me without hesitation, she doesn’t, her parents and little sister love me, even if they couldn’t understand me, so do her friends, and all of my friends have told me shes amazing for me, we both work so well… I just don’t understand what happened.

    thanks

    Damien

    • Okay so, update on the situation.

      I managed to go 4 days no contact, then I went round to drop her presents off (it was her birthday 2 days later and I wouldn’t have time to see her)

      she refused to accept them to start with but I convinced her, we had a heartfelt chat and she said she is hurting but she didn’t know if she loved me and she didn’t miss me, after about an hour we hugged gave each other a soft kiss on the head and bid farewell both of us saying the other will be okay.

      I started the N/C rule and refused to contact her, deleted her from Facebook and her phone number so I couldn’t make any stupid drunk calls.

      I didn’t contact her on her Birthday and 4 days later went out with my friends, we were having a great night until I bumped into my ex on her birthday party.
      I asked her for quick chat (was going to say she looks happy and I hope we can be civil) but she flipped, started hitting me yelling at me calling me all the names under the sun, then passionately kisses the guy with his arm around her.

      I lost it and ended up fighting.. my friend told me she was doing it to make me jealous, but I don’t know why, I didn’t end it, I did everything I could to make her happy in the relationship and I was just trying to be civil … now I think I pushed her too far away.

      I’m starting N/C again .. I was fine until I saw her with another man, now I’m back at stage one .. in bits and angry at her but I would still do anything to get her back.

      I will keep you updated, please can you give me some advice if you can.

      Damien

  5. I was in a relationship for 2 years and 6 months and to make the long story short I cheated on her and she found out I had cheated on her with my ex gf. Her and my ex gf met up and my ex gf told her everything that went on. Now my current ex gf hates me and wants nothing to do with me. She says she will never be with me again and that I was a huge mistake in her life and that she is going to move on. All This happened Wednesday, what do I do? Is it really time to let go? Because my ex talked to my best friend and she told my best friend to tell me not to ever look for her that she wants nothing to do with me.

  6. Well, my ex broke with me 2 months ago. After that I saw her partying all over the place and I felt frustrated, that’s why I had a one night stand.
    She knew through some friends and came to point me out that I should told her that I was with a girl.(We were on NC, so I didn’t see the point of telling her).
    This week she came to my house to pick some things and she was almost crying.
    We hugged intensly goodbye and almost kissed…
    I still love her, but I don’t know if I should tell her that..or just wait..

  7. My boyfriend of almost 2 years, broke up with me but says he loves and cares about me. We’ve talked everyday since then and have seen each other 4 times. 2 weeks ago we got into an arguement and he said I blew and we were done. We still talked everyday after that until last night. He said we are no longer in a relationship, he loves me, but I need to stop texting and calling him. He said if I support him and his feelings, I’ll understand this and let him fix what he needs to fix in his life. Do you think after no contact for a while we can work this out?

  8. I was dating a guy for 6 months. Things were great and we were both really happy and in love. He had started to talk about moving in with each other and wanting to take care of me. His finances were not too great and I am more financially stable than he was but it did not bother me. Plus, I am 4 years older than him, he is 26 and I am 30. Well, he had been testing to try to get into the Fire Academy here since December and had passed all of the tests but found out on Friday that he did not make it and took it really hard. He was devastated because it was his dream job and he had been so confident that he would get it. I was there to support him but also gave him his space over the weekend and would just peek in to tell him I loved him and missed him and he did the same. Well, come Monday he was completely distant and I saw he had hid his relationship status. So I messaged him to ask if everything was okay with us and he told me that he was having a really hard time coping with not making the fire department and that he was trying to figure out what he needed to go to be better for the next one so that he stuck out over everyone else and we could talk about it. So I met with him and he told me “I do not think we should be together anymore. I need to focus on getting myself where I need to be for the fire academy and my daughter and my career and I do not think it would be fair to you that you were not a priority” and that was it. Most heartless break up I have ever had from one of the most caring, honest and loving men I have ever dated. I don’t understand it so I cannot heal

  9. my ex-boyfriend told me, ‘I want nothing to do with you anymore. That’s all you need to know. He told me ‘things have changed. I asked him if he seen anyone, he told me, “non of my business.’what should I do?

  10. my ex-boyfriend told me, ‘I want nothing to do with you anymore. That’s all you need to know. He told me ‘things have changed. I asked him if he seen anyone, he told me, “non of my business.’what should I do?

  11. hey my ex and I started dating 9 months ago and at the beggiging it was a relationship made in heaven i was sooo inlove i was like the happiest guy in the world i used to cheat on past relationships but on this one i never even felt like cheating wich made me to believe we were meant to be together we are both young and in our early 20s and both our parents knew each other we made sooo many plans for the future and at some point got engaged..point is this was the best relationship i had been to all my life until she left for another continent we vowed to never break up we talked everyday and after 2 months she came to visit me..everything was diferent we fought all the time and part of me felt like i will never let her go because i loved her but there was aproblem because our relationship had changed and i never knew why we even stated over again but still we never agreed on anything.so when she went back just yesterday 2 weeks after she went back she decided to break up with me she said something about she had to chose between me and her life so she chose her ..as much as i knew it wasnt working i still wanted to fix it because i never saw myself with someone else but her i was destroyed i even cried like all night i was never the relationship type but she changed all that and she gave up on us tho we had talked about it and agreed never to give up…i still feeel sad but much better than i did yesterday i will not contact her at all hope it works but being in another continent means we mightt never get back together..?????

  12. So confussed my ex says he needs space as he doesnt know weather he wants to be with me but he still get jealous. I dropped his stuff off the other day i was dressed up as i was going out for a few drinks after with friends he asked me who i was going out with where im going etc and he tryed to kiss me i kept saying no but he knew i wanted to and in the end we kissed and he kept cuddling me not wanting to let me go sayinf he wants me to stay with him and not got out with my friends and in the early hours of the morning he tryed calling me 3 times but i was asleep and had my fone on silent. Text him about 4 so left it newrly all day as i fort i had text him back i said i couldnt remember if id replyed and he said i hadnt i asked about if he had my key and he said he would drop it off the next day he text me the next day i said he would need to let me know when as i was seeing a friend he said ok ao next day he text saying he got up later theb expected and could i come and get then i said i would tues or weds and he said ok who u with? I sais what u mean no one why? He said u must be if not u would come and get them now i told him i cant as ive gor to pick my son up and i would come round at 2 on weds he said come at 12 so thats what i will do. I dont get it at all he says he loves me but isnt in love with me. Do i start the no contact after i pick up my keys? And how long for as ive been waiting for a answer for two weeks already.

  13. Hello basically my ex broke up with me five weeks ago he has just got into a relationship with a girl he has known three weeks and hes saying hes in love with her already is this a rebound or not

    • Hi Sarah. Yes this is most likely a rebound unless he has been sneaking around your back for a while with this person. 3 weeks seems like quite a quick amount of time to fall in love with someone.. so it might be like novelty effect for him right now. IT seems so uncaring from my perspective that he is already dating someone else, i would recommend to begin the process of moving on mentally and emotionally as soon as you can.. this will be best for you in the long term, now you have to protect and look after you. Good luck.

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  15. Hi please help me,

    Ok basically my girlfriend and I broke up at the end of October after being together for 2 years. I then later found out that she started seeing someone a week later. Pn hearing this I panicked and made all the mistakes. I pushed her to meet with me (as we broke up over the phone) and eventually she allowed me to meet her on her college town (about an hour away from where I live) at this meeting she told me that she was in love with her new boyfriend and wanted a future with him. (they had been together only 3 weeks at this point) and that she didn’t have any feelings for me anymore. They even went on a little holiday together after being together only 5 weeks. Before this meeting she was telling me to leave her alone, stay out of her life etc and only eventually agreed to meet me if it was in her college town. Basically I think she broke up with me due to a loss of attraction and her not being able to see a future with me. Things weren’t great the last but t shth of our relationship and we had broken up around the same time last year and was off and on since then. During that break I went on a kind of rebound with basically the first girl to show me some attention. Nothing really serious came out of it and it ended in a couple of months.
    Anyway I used to have a lot og anxiety and found it hard to try new things. I believe this was caused by the relationship between me and my dad as we had not spoken for 3 years. After I found outabout her new boyfriend though I decided I needed to make changes so I got back into contact with my dad (funnily enough I bumped into him for the first time in 3 years on the day I found out about her new boyfriend) and have repaired the relationship with him. I have also booked a skydive which is set for a month fron now.
    I went on a months No contact where I worked on myself, I moved house, worked out, started new hobbies etcand then after a month I text my ex saying that I think that the breakup was the right thing to do and hoped that we could be on good terms. She replied a couple of hours later asking what I meant by that, if it meant I’d moved on, or didn’t love me or was just trying to spite her. I replied saying I wasn’t trying to spite jer I just didn’t want us to resent each other. She then asked me what has suddenly made me glad that we broke up to which I said I wasn’t really glad, I had just accepted it. She then said she was glad I had and that she was fine with being on good terms and ended the conversation sounding pretty final and gave th impression that she wasn’t going to contact me again. The day after she came to talk to me in work (I work in a store) and stood talking to me for about 15 mins while I served customers. She said I look really well and was glad things are working out. I showed her the collection bucket for my skydive (which also had the name of a female friend of mine who I’m doing the jump with and she kind of forced a smile and didn’t say anything about it. We kept getting interrupted by me having to serve though so I apologized to her and suggested meeting up for a catch ip another time. She shook her head and said that wouldn’t be fair on her new boyfriend. I kept my cool and said I understood then went to serve another customer. When I looked up she was walking out the door without saying goodbye. Throughout this whole meeting she looked kind of confused and nervous. She also mentioned her bf a few times saying she’d basically been staying with him over Christmas and that hopefully he’d be moving in with her in her college town again an hour away drom where we live (he lives with his grandmother) and even took a phone call from him right in front of me arranging to meet ip with him. Anyway after she left the store I then text her saying sorry that we couldn’t really talk properly and wished her a happy new year. She replied saying that I looked really good and : “it’s a shame you didn’t have all this healthy energy a year ago, ahh well things happen for a reason and I’m sure we’re both much happier now.” Irreplied to this saying that getting back in touch with my dad really has helped me and changed me and that I really wished I did it sooner. She didn’t reply but a day later I saw her in his car and she waved at me but I pretended not to notice (I kinda regret I did this now) which makes me think she would’ve had to of told him something about why she waved at me.
    After this I left it a week then sent her a text. No reply. I left it another week and sent her a more interesting text that I’d hoped would catch her attention but still no reply. During these past few weeks aswell I saw on their Facebook (I don’t have either of them as friends but they have open profiles) and she asked him if he fancied emigrating to New Zealand (she is hoping to do her PhD over there) and he said yeah and that he’s going to look into it. This won’t be till September but still. Not sure if she put this on fb to tryand get a rreaction out of me. If so why is she not replying? Also of she didn’t want to talk to me why not just tell me to leave her alone like she did before. I wanted to try and build attraction amd show her how much I’d changed but she’s not giving me the opportunity. What do I do now? Someone said that she might not be replying because it hurts her to see me “moving on” and that she might be confused about her feelings for me and her new bf but she does seem happy but people online have said ot all could just be an act for herself and me. They also say she’s showing signstthat it’s just a rebound relationship. That she jumped straight into it, she escalated the relationship really fast etc, spending all their free time together. She also always wanted me to have more drive and ambition and always pushed me to get a better job saying that I could do better yet this new guy works in a bar (and not very often judging by the amount of time he stays with her in her college town) and also lives with his grandmother and has never been independent. He also can’t have any long term plans for himself if they’re talking of him moving in to her place and moving to nz. What is your opinion on it all? Why do you think she ignoring me? Do you still think she has feelings for me? Do you think she’s in a rebound relationship (even though they’ve been together 2.5 months now) and so you still think there’s a chance for me to win her back? If so what do I do next? The last text I sent was about 3 days ago now. I really want her back. I can feel a change in me now and know that we can make things work if she have it a chance. She said before that she didn’t think we wwre compatible but I feel that we are and always have been (ot was just the deep rooted anxiety that stopped me from living life that needed to be cured and that has been now)

  16. My gf hav broken up with me about a month ago giving me a reason that I m not giving her time as I m busy with my studies. We still remained in contact.
    After sometime she told me that she love someone else.
    then i asked her. she said I wasn’t giving her time n that’s why she moved on to that guy. she said he loves her a lot.
    What should I do now?
    Should I start following NC?
    will it help me improving my situation?
    I want her back anyhow.
    please help.

  17. Hey, split up with my gf a few days ago, we had previously split a few weeks prior, she said she wanted space, but we got back a few days later, but now its over again. We saw each other everyday for 8 months and i became clingy. I made her my number one priority, and expected the same in return. I know were it went wrong. When we broke up she told me in no uncertain terms she did not want me no more. I aint going to contact her no more and im going to try work out why i am so clingy. I am saying now i want her back, but i know theres a slim chance of this happeninf

  18. I have broken no contract 3 times, she says she still cares but has made a conscious decision to end it becausewe were not healthy together,w have been split a month, is there still hope after breaking it 3 times

  19. Hi Jay.

    Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago. We started NC 6 weeks ago (which she initiated after my many attempts to get her back. First attempt was pathetic, I looked needy and a poser. Second attempt I addressed what went wrong in the relationship and want to start something fresh with her (she cried and said no). Last attempt I did something sweet to surprise her in front of her best friend and she said no but it made her friend tear up. She then wants NC and I agreed maturely. She knows I’m dating someone and she’s seeing/dating someone. A month ago she posted a status on Facebook my friend posted about how she misses me and refuse to turn back. We broke up over the fact that I was immature at times and did not take her seriously. It was definitely my fault especially when she addressed it countless times. Now I feel better and changed. Even though the new girl I’m dating is great, I still miss my exgirlfriend.

  20. My gf of 7 years broke up with me, a week before the break up she meet a guy in turkey and kissed him
    Me and my ex have been dating for 7 years off and on the first two years were amazing as we were greatly in love after the 2nd year we broke up because of us not being ball to get married ( my family didn’t accept her because of her religion, and family means a lot to her)
    and I followed her for around 1.5-2 year as we got back together.. We fought about family and religion which we never agreed on. for the last 2 years of us “dating” we didn’t spend much time together because of work and college and she always had to beg me ( her words not mine). We have been off on and but we still always go back to each other last time we broke up after her b day Because we fought about me working third shift and not spending time with her..I went back and called her as we got back together. For the last month or so I have been a lot better loving her buying her flowers when she comes back from a trip spending time with her even making love( we lost our virginty to each other).. Before she went to turkey we had an amazing day we laughed, made love and all that. She went to Turkey and meet this guy kissed him as came back. we went on a trip to her old college we had a good time we only fought once because i was drunk and wanted to take a cab and not walk. but on the ride back i told her i had many girls come to me and want to date me but i told my ex that ” all these girls are missing something and that something is that every oter girl is not her”. she meet this guy in turkey her last day they talked and kissed she said he has something that i am missing she does not know what but before she told me about the other guy
    she texted me this
    “I have been thinking a lot… On these planes etc… I think we need stop pretending and hoping on something that doesn’t seem possible – I don’t know when and if we will ever be ready to get married. The religion topic seems to be something that continues to be a problem.. And your family doesn’t want me and my family doesn’t want you….I know this is terrible to say and I’m sorry to be the one who says this stuff out loud and hurt your feelings. I really think we should put the distance and see where life takes us.”
    i went over to her with flower since she just landed from turkey and she told me about this guy i told her i love her and would give up religion and family for her. she said she still loves me and i am a great guy but we are missing passion i short left after crying in front of her and then texted her this
    “Honey my orrdani werrdda…please just hear me out and I won’t bother you anymore please just read this… I know you have feelings for this other guy and we are over ( hopefully just for now) but I want to say this last thing… We love each other and know each other very well when we are happy we are both genuinely happy and everything works out..our family’s will eventually like us both and will learn to love us… We can work out the religion and all that out later I lost you and it put stuff in perspective I am willing to work anything out for us to to be together to compromise anything and everything for you….I am going to respect your space and give you time to really think about this… I can’t picture the rest of my life without you. There is too much between us to just be friends and I can’t see us being friends… Honey all I am saying I love you an want you to really think about this because I have been an ass before but all I want to do is see you smile, spend all my time with you, love you, marry you and be happy like we us to be so please just really consider the 7+ years that we had and really think of all the good times and love we shared for each other.. We lost that spark but I know we can get it back and I will make sure of it if you come back to me…I am going to give you your space and all the time you need to collect your thoughts but really think about us… Remember hat zaynep said ” if you really love him be with him” because I don’t think you will find a guy that is going to make you happy the way I do.
    Can you live your life without me? If you can then we will go out separate ways and be done. But if you can’t we fix this and make it right in due time . Because I can’t live my life without you. It’s not even a question. to me I’ve spent enough time away from you. I don’t want to spend another minute away from the one I love.. I hope you give me a chance to make you as happy as you make me. Talk to you in a few weeks. love Hatim ”
    i am missing her like crazy and i think its just a fling with this other guy and i talked to many others they all think she is just testing the field and she will get smart and come back..
    please help me do you think she will ever come back to me i am giving her space and time and waiting to see if she ever texts/calls me but idk what to do and since she likes this other guy right now and notme

    • She says she does it know what it is but he has something I don’t and she told me she’s not sure if it’s jut a fling or something real she lives in Ohio and he lives in turkey she travels there 1-2 times in a year or two…idk please advise me is NC going to work for me?? Should I contact her first or wait till she contacts me?? Will se ever contact me

      • Noone knows what she will do in the future. And or if the relationship with the guy in Turkey will work out (I don’t think it will – long distance and all).

        But the fact is she has given up and is being a dumbass. It’s what my ex did too. You can’t change their mind for them, they are just too convinced of their own theory – it’s ridiculous.

        Anyway what your families think shouldn’t even matter, it’s about what you (both) think.

        All I can say is I wish you the best, don’t chase her – it will push her away more. And try accept life without her.
        It’s really hard if you love someone a lot, but you have no other choice….

  21. My boyfriend of one year told me he cares about me a lot etc but has too many things going on to commit to a relationship atm. He asked to stay friends, which I agreed to at first. A week later I text him to say that we have had many good times and we are good in each other’s company but I cannot stay friends with him as I still have feelings for him. He ignored that message until I said that I deserved more than that from him. Anyway, his last message to me was ‘I’m not p***** off with you, just don’t know what there is to discuss’.

    We had great chemistry and got on from day one so naturally feel disappointed. I have now been in NC for 2 weeks which I plan to continue, but I miss him. Have i ruined any chance of him contacting me again?

    • hi there Jess,

      im in your same shoes but my ‘relationship’ if you called it, is a really short one. i started to fall for the guy just as he pulled off.

      A few weeks later, he txt me to end things and I would have liked to speak on phone at least. His reply was the same along the line of ‘nothing to discuss’.

      This was yesterday. I will NC now but like u, i miss him a lot.

      BUt no one can tell you wether your ex, or the guy i dated will call us or not. No one knows the future but just move on..

  22. Okay first off we have been apart for three years. I met her at the club I worked at and we dated a year and a half. I admit I should have treated her better. I worked at a club “did not cheat” However, I would pass out glow sticks and flirt with girls while she was there. I kicked her out of my place twice. I made her cry etc. We broke up together mutual and at that time I thought some space would do. Six months she went into another relationship and would always call me. I showed jealousy and wanted to pound that guy’s face in. I did things I shouldn’t have. Well he hit her they broke up after a year and I was single, so we talked, but she said I need time to forgive you and I want to go slow. I want to hang out with my friends and go on dates etc. Of course I was pleading for her and me to go back out. I messed up when I saw her at a club dancing with a guy and started with him in which he came at me it was broken up. I was upset and we didn’t talk for almost a year. Now she is the one who is contacting me. I was pretty much moved on and had a girlfriend which I broke up with, because she was crazy. So now we slowly started talking again and I helped her business back which is a franchise, so we kind of work for the same company. Okay I have changed and been real cool, but I am confused. She will call one day about business stuff and another with hey what are you doing or up to. I have not been able to go out with her and have tried but she was busy. I thought they may be another guy, but I saw her out with her friends last weekend. She will call and then like days will go by where I don’t hear from her. For instance, she called me last Thursday and I got her message called her back, but she was getting to work and would call me later, so nothing. I text her two days later and she was like its good. I text her the next day and ask her if she had free time this week nothing.

    Okay my question is why she is calling me, getting back into the same business I am in. Remember I never went tracking her down, but I want to be with her and I know I made mistakes and she still contacts me. We have been getting along good and working together sometimes on jobs, but I wouldn’t write this about any other ex, because I know where I stand with them. I am confused and I know she will call me again. Should I be a little standoffish, not answer, or continue to be nice? Has anyone gone through this and what was your outcome? I have gone out with other women, but she is always on my mind. I did not contact her until she made a move. Now if she wanted nothing to do with me then why would she contact me? I am thinking she is talking to someone else and I am a back up, but then again maybe she is testing me to see if I have changed and if I am going to call her up and start asking question. I have done any of that and I plan on showing that I have changed. Really need advice on this and if I left any details out I will reply
    Update: We worked together on Wednesday and we have been getting along. Now my theory is, is that I did some bad things to her, so she is taking it slow with me. Any suggestions?

  23. I was with my boyfriend for over 8 yrs and he broke up with me about 3 weeks ago telling me that hes not happy and needs to figure himself out. I’m heart broken and trying my hardest to keep myself together I try not to see him much but I have a really hard time with the no contact. I heard that he was talking to another girl but then stopped it killed me finding something like that out. When I do see him he acts like were together plus hasnt really told any of his friends and family about the break up but other times when talking to him on the phone he has said that he doesn’t ever want to make the mistake of getting back with me. So basically I feel very confused because he’s sending me mixed signals. He still kisses me on the lips everytime he sees me and calls me babe. Do you think there is any hope for our relationship if I cut all contact now with him? And do you have any advise that could help me?

  24. Hia . My name is delyth im28 and my ex was 23 . He dumped me three weeks ago . He said he loves me so much but he dnt feel right . He said he wud love to give me a relationdhip I deserve but hes so scared . We were tofether for over a year and half . Hes in his fibal year in uni . He lives at home with his parents . When he dumped me I did text a nasty text . But two weeks I sent him an applogy for the nasfy text and saying I respect his feelings for not wanting a relationship . I knew he wudnt repky . Its been a week since I sent the text . I know he loves me . Cos he ended it out of the blue . We were planning on going awsy next week eyc . I don’t know what to do . My dad said he was like that at 23 and ended it with mt mum time and time again .the best thing my mum did was no contact and moved on .he soon came back . But im scared that my ex wobt . I thaught he was happy . We did fo oyr own thing .

  25. I’m just wondering if the NC works even if he’s the one who broke contact?
    It’s been almost 9 months since the breakup and he’s been with a new girl for almost 6 months.. Two months ago he cut contact, I know for sure that I’ll never be in a new relationship that doesn’t include him, I guess I really don’t stand a chance but I can’t give up hope. After all, I never got to meet him for real, and his new girl lives in his town..

    So does NC still works even if the person who wants to get back together isn’t the one choosing NC? :/

    • Hey Liza. Your comment is quite confusing but i took a read to see if i can get a better jist.. let me clarify with you. You did NC and he contacted you after not talking to you since the breakup? While hes been with this new girl 6 months have you been keeping around him trying to be his friend? If so then you have not been doing NC. If you haven’t spoken since the breakup but he cut contact more recently it might because he wanted to see IF things changed between you. Why did he breakup with you? That is the more important question for you to answer. NC is not about hoping its about getting on with your life and leaving the old relationship behind, exes are not going to come back to an ex partner who has been ‘waiting’ for their return (that defeats the purpose of why you are doing NC). What have you been doing during NC? Have you been getting on with life and recognized the reasons why he/you might have left it in the first place? Relationships end for a good reason, its just about being able to be honest with yourself. Was he immature and too young to settle down? Were you needy? Argumentative? Give them all thought. Good luck

  26. I’ve read alot of your postings. I guess you could say that my official break up date was 8/4/13 when I caught my boyfriend with another woman kissing in the parking lot. We were together for 8 years and the last few were a little rough but we never really parted. In the end, we were starting to become the way we were before, flirty, fun, etc. Even had a trip being planned for Disneyland. But I didn’t know he was also talking to that other person in addition to me. I am 9 years older than he is and the woman he is dating now just turned 23. He is 34. Within a course of less than 2 months, he has given her a promise ring and also moved in with her. They worked together and now he no longer works there. He changed his phone number about a week after I confronted the other woman, not in a bad way, just showed her all the texts in my phone showing her that he WAS with someone else at the time. I guess it didn’t matter to her, my opinion, with her young age, she figures she “won”. I have tried to move on, but I love him, we had one point talked about moving in together, marriage, kids, etc, but none of it ever happened. Yet, he found it all possible to do this so quickly with this other person. Should I try to contact him? Do you think this will last with this other woman since it started so quickly in my opinion? Do you think there’s a chance, if not now, maybe somehow he will come back to me and we can start again?

  27. Hey Jay i was with my wife for 17years and the reason we broke up due to her family .They put them self in the middle of our relationship they lived with us for two years and my company that i work for said that they would have to go or i would be fired she left with her sister but lives down the st with our two girls i stil love her but now she doing her thing but there is still love she not dating know one i the same is there any hope for us been apart for 1HALF years now.

  28. hi…i lost my bf bcoz of my anger…i hav some family nd business issues nd he dumped me bcoz of my anger…i want him back plzzz help….

    • Hi Katsuri. I think some kind of therapy or counselling might be on the menu, if you have anger problems, really bad ones i would seek out help for it. Change your lifestyle as well, perhaps meditate more and make little changes in your life long term to become more of a calmer and less angry person. Until you get to the bottom of ‘that problem’ that is pushing him away he wont come back. Good luck

      • My ex boyfriend dumped me 9 weeks ago . Then 5 weeks ago he came as he cudnt let me go we spoke and cleared the air. Then he text me the next day that hes freaked out out again . The issue is he thinks I want marriage now as im 27 and hes 23 . Ive nit mentioned marriage etc. He says he loves me but hes scared. Ive not spoken to him for 5 weeks . But he text me a Christmas message but I didnt reply. Do you think theres hope. I was with him for a year and half. I was first girl he introduced to his parents .

  29. hey jay what if your girlfriend argues with you very badly like she is boiling in very much anger..and portraying a negative picture of her does not makes sense in times of breaking up ..she sends a message leave me alone …den after sometime on asking if any problem she wants to break up den after 4 days i continuosly messaged her asking reason den she replied disturb me i broke up with you otherwise i change my number den argument starts 3 hours 60 messages she sent n no solution in that she is like very very angry and pissed of me using bad languages …den no reply n last i messaged dnt chnge your number i will msssg gudmorning wishes …den she silent after that i go NC for 4 days
    she didnt contacted i no well she will not she is very stubborn now is there any chances ….

  30. I am shearing this testimony to the whole world especially anyone who needs help to get the love back.No matter your problem there’s only one temple to get this help there’s nothing too big or small that Dr Ijebu can’t handle whatever your problem is. I contacted Dr Ijebu’s temple to get help to bring back my love,this great temple have showed me power by reuniting me and my husband after a separation of two years my life was tuning apart before a friend introduce me to this great temple where i became a woman again. My marriage was over with many problems, i was unable to conceive, and my husband was having financial difficulty, and his family people said i was the course of all this problem they make my husband who love me so much divorce me i was confuse and i run to my friend who gave me this email that i should contact this temple which i did and today my life is a testimony with a baby to show for it and stable finance also. All thanks to Dr Ijebu who did all this to my life and

  31. Kyle moved do to family issues he wanted me to go I couldn’t then I said I would move to .I over think and got wishy washy which stressed him out he pulled away we r broke up I want him back what do I do? Please help I’m a mess

    • Hi Machelle. I think he just needs some time and space away from your right now for whatever reasons.. i would advise possibly seeking counselling or take up a new life style where you can clear your mind, maybe some thing like meditation and yoga can help? If you have officially broken up then you need to focus on the reason you broke up, not focus on him. If the reason was over thinking or being clingy for example then you need to aim to fix them up, he will only come back if things change and sometimes that might need a good few months apart of longer. Good luck

      • Well me and my ex gf broke up last week just looking for some advice,we broke up like 8months ago but got back together,I admit I was a bit of an as whole,never cheated or hit her though,anyways though I was working my problems out and really showing an effort,however it didn’t seem like she was this would cause little arguments but nothing to big, we’ll she left me told me she had too,she needs to correct things, so I left it that called her about 5 days later talked a little I just told her that I support her choice and feel that we both have things to work on and things to take care of wished her the best and said if it’s meant to be then it will be she agreed and said she still cared and loved in my opinion I think a she maybe telling the truth or is just unsure of what she wants. She also said we could not be friends for she is afraid of getting back with me what does this even mean?

  32. I don’t know if this will work or not and I’m not sure how to feel about this but I need advice. My exlover of some year recently left me sometime ago. We had issues with trust and arguing. I alwas thought we would make it through anything. I have been heart broken and depressed about trying to have them come back. I thought we would make it work but this person doesn’t want me or doesn’t seem interested in the relationship anymore. One min it seems like there is hope and the next there is none. This someone I want to be with and one day marry. I’ve tried everything in my powers and maybe I’m doing something wrong. I don’t want to let go because I feel we can start over and be better. Their trust issues were pretty bad and sometimes I didn’t make it as easy. I have looked at my wrongs and changed them. I just don’t know what I can do in order to get them to come back.

  33. Hello J my girlfriend of the last 14 years broke up with me about 4 days ago. I’m not going to lie a lot if the passion was dwindling in the relationship. I think it could be with the fact that cause of work I’m always gone working out of state. She told me that she was not happy and that I deserve better. I asked her if there was someone else but she said no. Anyway I am really hurting and despite what I said I am in love with her. My heart is broken and I don’t know what to do. I want her back. We have a little girl and even though she’s not biologically mine I’ve raised her since birth and I love her like my own. I love my family more that anything. Have I lost my woman? What can I do to get her back? Will no contact work? It’s hard cause my ex is exteamly beautiful. So I know guys are circling like sharks. Please help me I don’t know what to do.

  34. I was dating my ex for almost two years. We had so many plans and he talked about us getting married. Well at the end of July we got into a trouble fight. We broke up and I though Idk just let him be and he’ll come back. Well he asked to come get his things and I said of course. He showed up with his new gf and things got really bad. I was nice to her but I did what I shouldn’t have I flipped out when it was just him and I. He started to date her a few days after we broke up. After he left we never said a word to each other and I ended up leaving town. Turned out two weeks later he was engaged to her. I don’t know what to do. I love this man and I wanted to spend my life with him because he makes me a better person and we loved to do new things. I could see us spending our lives together. He always made me happy even when I was made or sad. Is there any hope. Please help me

  35. hi, I was just wondering if anyone could give me some advice.. I don’t know what to do! my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me yesterday because he said that we argue too much but he loves me with all of his heart and that he wouldn’t speak to me anymore because it would be easier that way. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend and I don’t know what to do, we didn’t end on good terms because I got really upset and said some things I shouldn’t have, I can’t stand the thought of not being with him anymore, I can’t eat or sleep, I’m miserable. any advice would be appreciated, thank you.

  36. Hi.. I m Mary. I just want to have some suggestions/advices for me for my current situation. I and my bf is in long distance relationship. When I proposed my Boy Friend, he told me to leave him alone for some days as he was busy. I told ok and I didnt contact him for few months and after that I sent an invitation for a function in my house to him, I got a reply from him that he cant attend the function since he was out of station. After some days, when i contacted him through online chat, he gave his cell no to send a message and then he said that he will contact me after sending the message. So I messaged him but he never contacted me. I got anger and scolded him badly. That time, he said that he was in anger and wanted to leave him alone and said that he s engaged with a girl and going to marry her soon and told me not to contact him,text him or mail him or call him. But I know that he is not engaged with a girl. Please suggest some ideas for this hopeless situation..

    • Actually this was happened one year ago.. Since 6 months I didnt contact him. I followed NC rule but it doesnt work for me.. Tell some advices for my situation.

  37. Hi there I’m in need of advice let me give you a full description about what’s going on.
    My ex and I have gone through alot talking about court and other stuff with alot of emotion in it. We fell in love within 2 weeks and continue to this day. We dated for 8 months Before it ended. The first half of the relationship it was great we had loads of fun experimenting and being drama less. I then began to be cocky. I treated my ex bad but loved her and spent everyday of my summer with her. She was always the clingy one and the one to get mad at small stuff while I wash showing that I didn’t care. As time went by all the bullshit was addin up or her. She then got a job and started hanging with her work friends she chose then over me but they are way older and it’s highly illegal for them to touch her. I caught her on the day if the break up texting a guy. Then as she continued going over there I was worried and freaked out harder then I should’ve. She said trust me were not doing anything but alcohol with gals and guys are not a good mix so I had all the right to be mad. But I was chasing cause I sincerely was apologetic for my behavior and a week went by when I finally snapped because she consistently would be shady but didn’t avoid the subject she just was shady Bout her hanging out so I mad a very irrational decision by contacting the guy and it started off as a fight but quickly I realized that he was not intending to do anything. From what I heard she was talking bad about me all the while she was continuing to tell me that she sees me As her future. School started and she made me walk her to all her classes and hold hands with her. So I thought everything was fine so I explained it to this guy who’s been through alot and knew what she was trying to do. I called her out and said the jigs up. She told me he wants me out her ducking life and she hates me but I know she said on impulse she truly loves me and always will and vice versa. I just need some advice I’m at the stage if the no contact rule

  38. Okay here’s my current situation. I’ve known this girl for 2 years and ever since we met, we pretty much fell for eachother within the 2nd month of knowing eachother. Long story short, last year I had got in a relationship with another girl and I guess she didn’t like that and so I was confused and I started catching feelings for her again and then I left the other girl and become really close with the first girl. I took her out, bought her things, showed her love and affection that no guy could ever show her and on march 24th, 2013 I asked her out and she said yes. We were doing fine for the first couple weeks then everything started going downhill. I started assuming alot, being very clingy, arguments occurred alot and I was just very insecure and it pushed her to break up with me. I regret being the way I was because I loved her so much and she was my everything and we were perfect and it’s been a month now since the break up and I want her back more than ever. I’m not sure what to do and where to go. She talks to other guys and does her own thing and I do my own thing and I’m just waiting for her to come back to me. Will she come back? What can i do to get her back? How long do I wait?

  39. Okay so my ex of 5 and half years cheated on me with some girl he met through an iPad game recently. She is 7 years younger than him and is married to a 40+ yr old. He drove to Chicago to meet her after we had a little argument. We have a place currently in Cali but for his work he is in MN staying with my brothers and sisters. He doesn’t think he needs to move and if I say he does that I am controlling him. I came out to MN for memorial day weekend and then for his birthday june 9-12 to see him. we had fun but didnt have sex. Him and I haven’t had sex in 4 months . Us not having sex of long periods of time is a common this and has causes him and i to break up once a year like clock work for 5 years but he has never had sex with another woman or us not getting back together and having steamy sex. I have lost my desire completely and he knows this as I went to the doctor to get help with it. S this new girl offers him all this sex and tells him he is desired and now he believes she is the one and only. His soul mate etc.

    I am not working and he at first said he would move me back home to MN then changed his mind. He expects me to stay out here and keep our leased place so he can come out here and work and make money and not be alone.( he actually said that). He continues to call or text me random meaningless things. He gave me control of his bank accounts in May before he left and then this past week so I transferred money out to my account and took the access away for like 3 hours but I was able to get him to give it back( why would he even give it back if he was so gun-**** over this girl). So in that way. Feel completely stuck because he has all the control with the money. He says that I tell him what to do and he hates hit

    He rubbed it in that he got her off in 24 hours 13 times. Whatever I don’t think so. He has only been with 4 girls now and that was always our problem because he didn’t know what the hell he was going. But I do love him

    Today he texted me mad because I canceled the American Express from him as I’m the primary account holder. I told him I didn’t. He said it was declined. I asked if he used it somewhere that they would think it was being stolen. He said at Nordstrom. Z(oh yeah he went on a shopping spree yesterday). He then proceeded to tell me he wants to book his trip to Miami on it. I asked using the free skymiles. He said no. I said why then. He said to earn miles. I said for me. He said yes. I said to just put it on his check card. He said figures, bye gotta work. I said I didn’t say you couldn’t. He says its just trying to help you out. It’s not really for us ( the word really means doubt, and wasn’t necessary in that statement.

    One more thing he is like a high school girl in how he thinks, reacts and is in a relationship. He is all about romance etc

    So I guess my question is does he not love me anymore. Is this girl just a lust thing for him as she is sucking his pe*** . How can I get him back? (Even if it is till I can get out of this lease and have my own money). What tricks to play his game will work best

  40. Men, opinions needed. And be honest. I need it!

    Heres the VERY short version of a very complicated situation:

    Me: 30
    Him: 35
    We have been together 2 years and were very happy and in love. He asked me to move in after 5 months. He proposed to me this past November. He was so excited and said he knew I was the one.

    We were going through a lot of stress. Both of us had new stressful jobs, a new puppy, the holidays (right after getting engaged), I had two herniated disks in my back and was in contstant pain, we were saving for a house, etc. EESH! We were arguing and getting on eachothers nerves a lot. Ill admit. it sucked. He started drinking at night to just fall asleep. it bothered me and we fought about it.

    BUT we had just gotten engaged in November. I knew things in our life were temporary and the stressful time would soon end. I thought we would get through it. Clearly, he couldnt deal with it. he broke things off in Feburary and I moved out the night he told me it was over.

    From the night I left and moved in with my folks, we talked every day. Mostly due to me calling/texting him. BUT, we were on good terms. Still kissed, cuddled, slept together, he still told me he loved me but knew it wasnt right. sigh. it was so hard.

    He was very up and down. one day telling me to leave him along and in not the nicest ways and the next telling me he loved me still and cuddling, sleeping together, etc.

    We got back together, sort of, in April. So only about 1.5 months ago now. We talked/texted, hung out, slept together (best sex EVER) for about 2 weeks straight. He even cried one night and said he was still in love with me and he said that he still wansnt sure if i was or was not the one. but that he knew we couldnt be together right now. then, he flipped on me again. He said I was getting the wrong idea. That he again needed space and that it was over. That I needed to move on and leave him alone. I was CRUSHED.

    Since then, I have been doing everything wrong – texting , calling, stopping over there and crying, letters, etc. He said he is pissed and has even threatned a restraining order. When I go over there he does still come to the door and talk, but you can tell he is irritated. The last time I went over there he said this: ‘Breaking up with you with the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I loved you so much it hurt. You are an amazing and beautiful girl. When i talk to my friends tell them how it sucks we cant be together because you look incredible and you are probably in such a better place now than you ever were when we were together, but we cant be together because so much got messed up between us in the past few months. I need you to move on. I need you to give me space. IF I ever get over this and I decide to contact you I will. Dont contact me. I may contact you one day or I may not. If I dont its because I never got over all of this crap that has happened recently or because I met someone else in the meantime.’

    That was it. I had to leave. Its over. He wants me out of his life. Its SO painful.

    My question: Can guys really just stop caring and stop loving someone that fast?
    Does he think about me and miss me even though he says he really doesnt? Did I push him so much the past few months by not leaving him alone that I messed up any chance of things ever getting back to something again? IF I really do give him space for the summer – is there any possiblility he will come back?

    Thanks!!!!!

  41. great article ive been doing NC for 3 weeks today (obviously im counting!) and I;m wondering if Ive made a mistake. Basically guy I was seeing was lovely in every way bit younger 31 to my 33 but over a month ago started becoming distant and not acting usual self i called him out on it and he admitted hes freaked out by the fact im older etc and thought id want marriage etc asap anyway in the end I ended it by text he msged a few days later saying he’d woken up crying in the night and was really upset had never planned things to happen like this. Anyway I later found out he hooked up with someone 3 days after i ended it (I went to pick up some stuff and girls bags were at his house) turns out he’d met her the wknd before we split but he swore he didnt cheat and nothing happened until after. anyway very grey area I stayed calm although upset and walked off he’s sent me messages saying he swears it was after it was over with me and him and that I meant a lot to him that he really cares about me etc etc anyway I havent replied to those messages and it’s been 3 weeks hes sent other ones saying he hopes ill talk to him one day and he really cares etc. After all if he really wanted to see me he’d pick up the phone or come to my house right? I know technically I ended it so does that mean by doing NC im doing the wrong thing?

  42. Well she broke up with me.. we had an argument 9 or 8 months ago that I thought was resolved but wasent. She basiclly lied to me whenever I asked how we were doing as a couple. Shed say we are fine an what not when really she was still upset about that fucking argument.. so simply it was a comunication issue on her part. But we still love each other. Soo I’m not quite sure where we are at ..

  43. Hey, my ex decided to move to another country without me. We used to live together in the same apartment. Then one day after a fight he told me he was unsure about me and if he wanted to be with me for the long haul. But we got over this and continued dating. Just before he left, he told me he wasn’t ready to settle down and moved away. He was also crying his eyes out and he told me he loved me very much, I have never seen him cry. Why would he cry and tell me he loves me if he is able to move away from him. Now that he is gone, he keeps contacting me first, what should I do?

  44. hii..i have been in NC from 15 days with my ex-girl friend…she is now dating some1 else…but when i see her fb profile there are comments and posts that have my words and sentences..today i commented to one of them and she replied very politely..but she is in relationship to other guy.and she makes me to feel jealous of that..what does it mean….???is she moved on???

    • utsav i would keep away from her new life.. and her new bf. You need focus on yourself and your life and dont become the eavesdropper of their new relationship.

      Its best to be in the dark regarding the ex and her new bf, its best to just stop seeing what they are up to because you will never get your head on straight while investing your time in her coming back, she wont come back if you wait around for her.

      As for why she did it.. the words. She probably still cares about you at some level but you need to let her go before she can come back.. if shes trying to make you jealous its working isnt it? Stay away from her profile.. and his.. do not comment to her.. do not be her friend unless you want to be friendzoned and left behind in the dust.

      You must move on with your life.. its likely the guy she is dating is a rebound.. if you stick around in her life she wont think much of you and she will never come back to you. Do not make her important while she make you an option.

      Moved on is a mental thing, it takes months or years to move on.. no she has not moved on but she WILL forget you completely and not come back if you stick around being her friend. Remember always respect yourself, you are better than being a 2nd boyfriend.. Good luck

  45. Hello,
    I have been datin my ex for almost 3 years. She always breaks up with me e cause we always argue about the little things. She recently broke up with me because I was pressuring her and we were movin to fast. She said she’s always wanted out because I was always getting mad and bringing up the past. The last break up which was 1week ago she said she doesn’t want me anymore an to not contact her at all. I really want her back and I’m changing myself but is it a great idea to just not contact her at all and not be friends and just see how things go.?

    • Hey there it sounds like you are in quit a similar situation as me. before when shed break up, how long would the break up last? i hope all works out for you. its been a week as well for me, i havent spoken to him since. Problem is we live in the same house, so its hard to avoid him and really tempting to try and see him and speak to him. I say give it more time, shes probably just fed up, maybe she will realise that life sucks without you afterall and will come back, or maybe this time she really did just have enough, and belives you two are better off without each other. Was this an angry break up? like did she say she had enough after an argument or do you think she more or less thought it through? i suggest for now just leave it and focus on yourself. i know this is not what you want to hear but pestering her is not going to do any good now and shell just reject you again, also saying you have changed or trying to change probably wont make a differnce because she most likly heard it all before and nothing got better. so time and space. If its ment to be it will happen, if not learn from your mistakes and try to let go.

    • Hi Crystal.

      It sounds like you’re in a same sex situation from reading your comment. So am I, so I would love to bounce my situation off of you and get your advice. I can also render my opinion on yours if you like. Let me know. PLease get back to me, thanks.

      LoveJunkie

  46. Hi Jay,
    Your article is great so insightful. Basically my ex recently broke it off again for the third time a few days ago. We have been dating for nearly two years, and we live in the same house. Luckly this time the contract finishes and ill be moving out in a few day. In the past 6 months i think something has changed in me, i became too clingy, too needy and just stopped being the girl he fell in love with. The first break up lasted for 4 days the second for 3 weeks. We got back together after the second break up because i decided to pick up my act and go to therapy and work on my attachment issues, but during the break up i kissed another guy and my ex found out and he said he was really hurt and should have never let me go so we got back together, even though we both knew i wasn’t ready and wouldn’t have changed after just such a short break. he said its ok i understand you wont change over night and ill be here supporting you. three weeks later he broke up with me again saying things will never change and that i promised him too many times that things would get better. he said this time he is for real and he doesn’t want a future with me. he said this in both the other break up as well. we were supposed to move in a flat together next month, but after the third break up i canceled it and i now ill move in with some friends instead. in a week ill be going back home for a month so i wont have to see him or talk to him and the ill come back for 3 days to move my things and then go to my second home for 3 months. i realise that i need to find that girl he fell in love with. im also worried because hes broken up with me so many times that i wont be able to trust him. i too want a different relationship because what we are doing is not healthy. so maybe getting over this relationship and then getting back together to start fresh is the way to go. We both love each other immensely, we just don’t seem to work lately most likely due to my issues. do you think with time and space he will find that we are worth another try, but this time actually do it differently?

    • Hi cbrebenar. Appreciate the compliment. What you said towards the end of your comment is pretty much what you need to do, this applies to everyone who is in NC. I will mark what you said:

      ‘I too want a different relationship because what we are doing is not healthy. so maybe getting over this relationship and then getting back together to start fresh is the way to go.’

      This is precisely how it works.. you do NC in a way to get over the relationship.. to start a fresh. To get your head sorted.. and to seek therapy if one believes they need it. The truth is not everyone gets back together but from my experience the longer you were together or the older/maturer you are (have kids together) the more chance of getting back together down the line.

      Not living together is good.. it means you can get your mind focused on you and your life.. the main culprits of relationships are usually neediness and controlling the other person. Also realize that your doing this not for him.. but for yourself, that way your not taking the mindset that everything is done for him.

      You are on the right path.. if you use this time as a way to get over the relationship and move forward with your life. People often say “i dont wanna move on” but that is an attachment right there, the attachment is actual the problem. Once you move on mentally you will be less emotional and more logical, both with your decisions and your thinking in general.

      As time goes on you will become more logical.. and because of this you will realize where you went wrong in regards to being needy.. dont forget as well it takes two to tango in a relationship so please do not blame yourself for the end of the relationship. There is no doubt your ex might have been very forgiving but he might also be too demanding, keep your mind open to all possibilities. I hope therapy helps you along this journey. Good luck

  47. Is there any hope for my situation. My ex and I were together for a year and a half. It was a very stressful time for him as his situation was bleak as far as his job, his finances, etc. Long story short I stood by him, helped him, loved him…maybe too much and did a LOT for him. We broke up over a year ago…he told me he “wanted to be alone” and he “didn’t love me anymore” this was after telling me he loved me and would never leave me, I was the best thing in his life etc. And suddenly it was over… I obviously did not react well and through out the following year we had some contact, he gave mixed signals, he was not seeing anyone and still said he didn’t want a relationship. All our interactions were PLATONIC and there was no intimacy. In the first few months he did hug me and even kiss me on the lips a few times… but then I did all the wrong things (begged, cried, told him I would change, told him I loved him and wanted us to work out) He withdrew more and more and then after not talking for a few months I wrote him an email. He responded positively and I thought things were looking up… but then I found out I have a medical condition that could be very serious… I told him about it and at first he seemed really concerned and told me he would be there for me, but then he put his dating profile up a few days later. That threw me into a downward spiral and I again asked him if we could start over. I told him things were so different now and they were (He had a new job, better situation, etc) It killed me that he would want to share his new life with someone else. There is so much to this story but I couldn’t possibly go into it all now. but the last thing that happened is after I asked him for anohter chance and told him in an email it was very hard for me to see him looking for someone else and that I just wanted to start over with him and I was sure it would be better, etc. He said no and then told me goodbye. He said I need to move on and I can’t let go, so he is saying goodbye. He even said he will not be there for me (with my medical stuff) and that he wishes me well, etc. He said he would remember me fondly. I am devastated. I feel like I never meant anything to him. This was 3 months ago and he started dating a new girl about a month ago. I feel awful because I disrespected his wishes and could not be cool about things.
    I just can’t believe this all happened the way it did. One day he was telling me he loved me and would never leave me and the next he was gone. I know it has been a long time but I still love him. I have gone to therapy and tried reading everything I can get my hands on or eyes on (internet) to get over this but nothing helps. People think I am crazy for wanting him back in my life but I really do. I love him. I want to restore some respect in his eyes from my foolish behavior, is that possible? I have not done anything since he said goodbye. Is there any hope that I can reconnect at some point. I know he is in a new relationship now…and that kills me but I want to be there to catch him if it should not work out. I know I am pathetic. Please help me. I have tried to get over him for over a year now, I have gone on other dates, I have read books, I have immersed myself in other things but I can’t stop loving him and wanting to talk to him again. I see sooooo much of my part in what went wrong. I am not saying he didn’t do anything wrong, oh there are all my friends saying he treated me like crap… but I see a side of him that loved me. I really believed we could have had something great if we had just wanted to work on it. I know that it takes two to want to work on it. Is there anything I can do to reestablish a connection that in time might bring us together again? Please help
    Sorry I know this is longer than I thought I would type. :( I am heartbroken for too long now…

    • Hi Jeannie.

      First, let me say that I’m sorry to hear about your medical condition and I hope that it gets batter. I’ll say a prayer for you. But also, this should be the foundation for you to strengthen yourself. I think that if you are struggling with a medical condition, then it could be counterproductive to your healing for you to focus so much on your ex and what he’s doing. He is acng out right now. And I can say that with absoliute certainty because my ex is doing the same thing. We dated for four yers, and have been broken up for asalmost one year. I think you should get your emotions in order, and I woukd send him an email or letter basically saying that you appreciated the time you were together woth him and that you took alot from the relationship. Right now, your focus os on healing from yoyr medocal condition, and you are truly happy for him in his new situation. Wish him well, and keep it moving. This may not be entirely how you feel at the moment, because it is absolutely normal to sytill want him back after he treated you like such a douche. But you want to give him the impression that you are fine with the situation he is in. Truthfully, you cannot do anything about his decision to be with someone else. That’s his decision, and I know it may hurt but you have to let him make it. If you try to fight it, he will only cleave to her more. I do believe that if you distance yourself from him and focus on getting well, he will eventually realize his wrongs. Assuming he’s in a rebound relatinship, he’s in it because itrs new and exciting. The reality of a relationship has not hit him yet. So this sitiation loooks better to him. But he has history with you, and he loved you very much. And believe me-ge still does. So you have an advantage whether you know it or not. I don’t want to babble on too loing, but hopefully I have given you enough to shed some light on your situation. I am doing this EXACT SAME THING with my ex riht now. So you and I are in the same boat. Good luck hun!!

  48. Hi… I have this relationship for 3 years in college. We were a perfect couple. We don’t fight a lot and we haven’t even think of break ups. We actually resolved every problem we encounter. But then I thought he was the one I’ve been waiting for. Last summer, when I started working he acts so strange like I don’t know him at all. He always keep on calling me while I’m at the office and always asking who’s with me and what am I doing. One day, when we were out together, I asked him why he acted like that. He just told me that he’s getting jealous and he doesn’t trust me anymore, and then open up the topic of breaking up with me. After the break up, I cried and cried and didn’t know what to do to forget him. Until now, I still want him back and I’m still hoping that he will want me back too.

    Any help will be much appreciated. Thank you very much!

  49. Hi everyone! I’m Stephen. Every time me and my girlfriend quarrel I always want to break up with her because the reason for the quarrel is always the same and I think we are not moving forward. It’s just like we are playing games and I don’t want that. Whenever we break up I’m the one who is going back to her. What should I do? I want to break up with my girlfriend completely but I can’t. I just can’t let her go. Please help! :( I love her but I don’t like her atitude :(

    • Hi Stephen, this quarreling is not healthy if its a cycle that never comes to an end. If you want to breakup with her do it.. if you take her back and she keeps quarreling then as you can see she is not doing enough to correct her attitude problems. Until she realizes she can lose you for good.. she will not change her behaviors. If you never took her back what do you think would happen? Why do you keep being the one to go back to her? Why settle for this stinky behavior?

      The only way she will change is if you tell her your tired of her behavior and take a ‘prolonged’ breakup, one where she feels she could lose you for GOOD. Your neediness of the relationship is what is holding you back, you take her back too easily.. and she feels no need to change because you always there to take her back. The only time she will change is when she has REALLY lost you. Breaking up just to take her back repeatedly will do nothing.. like i said, she thinks she can have you whenever she wants. And therefore she wont improve her attitude.. and she wont respect you either. Please consider becoming single and leaving this woman if she has issues, only then will she consider doing some work on herself.. and maybe come back in the far future when things have changed. Good luck

  50. Honestly, I’m not an expert with this so called love thing but based on my experienced me and my ex got separated for almost 8 months but believe it or not we got married after we decided to work it one more time. What did I do? I don’t communicate with her, she block me on facebook and I don’t even text or call her but after 8 months of it I was slap to reality that I really need her and I really love her so I decided to contact her and there you go.

    • so JR what kind of a break up was it did you fight for her make all the common mistakes a man makes when his lost the most valuable person or did you stick to the nc compound from the get go and what was the reason ?

  51. I have a serious situation that I really want my ex back. It is a lot to type and would there be a way to contact you by phone to explain it simpler and easier while summarizing what happened? What is currently going on is in Thursday, me ex told me to just stop calling her and texting her and leave her the f alone. We broke up on the 8th of this month. Before she said that, a few days before, she said she had been really happy with me when we were together, and we broke up because of an argument we had a while back that came back up, which I can explain easier if I could reach you by voice somehow. She said she still cared for me and that is why she told me she is already talking to a new guy and says they’re taking it slow. She says it’s a fling and nothing serious yet and that the guy is willing to wait. I know the guy. so I know she is indeed talking to someone new. The thing is, she started talking to him right after our breakup and before, she had said the the times we got back together, it was because feelings don’t go away just like that. so I’m thinking since they have been only talking about 10 days and we broke up on the 8th, maybe she still has feelings and I want to win her back. We were so great in our relationship, she said I was the best she ever had, multiple times throughout the relationship. After breaking up with me, she was ignoring my calls as texts and after finally getting to her in person, we talked a bit and got her to cooperate a little but she was still trying to avoid me. I got mad and upset her because after such a great relationship, she acts as if I meant nothing to her and like she could just forget everything like that. She deleted all of our pictures off her phone and tried to delete all my texts from her on my phone and the pictures of us on my phone. I know what I did wrong In the relationship and I really know how to make the relationship work and not make the same mistakes. She is just upset and annoyed at me right now and hasn’t contacted me in days and I Haven’t contacted her in days to because I read on articles to give her space and hopefully she will start to miss me even though she is talking to a new guy because it is fling and is probably just talking to him to try and forget all about me. The whole relationship, I treated her amazing and made her the happiest girl. Our arguments were mainly started by her. It’d be jealousy, being stubborn (her) and insecurity that would get her to start unnecessary arguments and eventually drove me to lose my temper after so many weeks of just giving in and trying to avoid an argument. I really love her and I want to win her back somehow. I would really like some guidance. Her birthday is also on may 19th, I was thinking of getting her a present and surprise her, I’m not contacting her unless she contacts me and since we go to the same college, I’d approach her in a friendly way and not bring up the past and just say happy birthday. I want to because another article suggested so. That after weeks of not talking to her she’d cool down and on her birthday, be a friend, and in time she may start to open up again. Also, college ends may 23rd and she isn’t going to summer semester, she will come back in the fall, I believe August or September. I want to try to give her the gift as a friendly gesture because if i don’t, it’d 6 months before school starts again and I don’t want her to be over me and forget about me. Either she ends up missing me somehow because we had an amazing relationship or since theres no contact, she’ll think ive lost interest and moved on and Just moves on herself. I’m 19 and she is 18. We also live in Stockton California and we both work at the same mall right in front of the college, so even if i don’t see her on her birthday, maybe I can see her at her work (McDonald’s) and surprise her. Currently, if I go near there, she turns her back or goes away from the register, I wasn’t going there to see her though, I was legitimately getting food because the other food places were more expensive. I haven’t said a word to her in days. I really need help. my name is Jose. Her name is may. She is filipino and I’m Hispanic. I point out she is filipino because there are habits and tendencies many Filipinos have such as hardheaded was and stubbornness which I have many filipino friends who indeed agree with it, I wasn’t trying to be racist, I’m just trying to get as many details out and hopefully get some help. I truly love her and treated her as best as I could throughout the relations even when she treated me like crap. I never judged her or abused her. She would even come to me sometimes after she cooled down that she was sorry for the things she would do. a lot of arguments were arguments because when she would be upset, she would get mad at me and not tell me what’s wrong and she wouldn’t want to talk about it or hear what I’d have to say. She would only want to get out the point that she is mad and upset and didn’t want to hear why I did whatever it was I did or an apology or anything. Please help?. I have also talked to many people and have realized mistakes I made and she has also told me things I needed to change (while we were getting along for a while). I know what I Need to do the keep the relationship going next time, if I’m able to win her back somehow. I’m currently giving her space and not getting in between her and the guy she is talking to. He also works in the same mall. You can ask me any questions and give you as many details as I can to give you the fullest feel of the situation and how everything happened.

    Jose

  52. I had been friends w/ this guy for 3 years. There had always been this struggle of whether we should be in a relationship. I was apprehensive, because of some red flags that were surfacing. So I would always blame me, & say I wasn’t good @ relationships, when truly I wanted to be in one. Just wasn’t sure w/ him. We just went w/ things, & he continued to be an everyday constant in my life. Things became different back in September, when he again asked for a commitment. I said no. I was exclusive to him, but didn’t want the title. He became verbally abusive, as he had in the past, and from that point on, seemed to come around w/ coldness & anger. He also started smoking pot, & hanging @ a dealers house frequently. I brought that up, only to have him become enraged. In February, he had gone away for a weeken, I didn’t know he was going. Found out through his son, that he was seeing someone. It began to make sense, the change in personality & his standoffish attitude to being intimant. I questioned him, mentioned that he could not just keep coming around whenever he felt the desire, because I had company. I didn’t, but was hurt & betrayed, so made it up. Ever since that day, he professed we were no longer friends, & the name calling began. I’ve reached out several times since, apologizing & asking to work on our friendship. His replays are cold & hateful. He tells me that he no longer wants me in his life & that I am of np benefit to him. This man is 40, lives w/his mom, has no job, no license, (suspended), can’t see his youngest child & the list goes on. I on the other hand work 2 jobs, go to school, raising my 3 boys, live & pay my own bills, but have nothing positive to offer him. I don’t get why I’m still hung up on this guy, and why I feel he’s even worthy of me. I’m sad I don’t have him on my life, but why? Help!

  53. Hi Jay and everyone else :)
    I’m having relationship troubles and have been looking everywhere for answers but after reading some of these comments, i really would like your help and think you can really help me! so here’s my story… I was with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years, we were perfect together, he was amazing, we never broke up or fights always got resolved the same day, i really thought he was the one for me … and still do. a few months ago he just started acting different we were arguing a lot, he wasn’t being the amazing boyfriend he used to be, so i told him i couldn’t do it anymore but we still were crazy in love with each other and still talked everyday. in the beginning he said we would get back together again one day, we just need time, that he was still in love with me, we started arguing more and more and then he told me he needed some space because he was so stressed out from life, Things got worst… i found out he was lying to me about things and i would call him everyday crying, he finally broke up with me but still we would talk every couple days, usually me crying and asking how he could betray me and break my heart. but throughout this whole process he told me he still loved me, that we just need some time but then he’ll be back….. this process was ongoing for months, so you can tell how stressed out i’ve become and i’ve literally been going crazy. 3 weeks ago he told me let’s try to be friends… and btw throughout this whole time he still calls me baby, even after he said lets be friends he said i love you still baby. i said i couldnt be friends it would be too hard, we argued again because i just cant believe he would just forget everything we went through and he used to be crazy in love with me how could he just stop? anyways we didnt talk for 3 weeks, i thought he’d come around, everyone kept saying he will, watch, and yesterday i had my friend call him, he told her he wants to move on, he’s happy being single, he said he’s happy with the decision he made so i wrote him a big angry e-mail explaining my feelings because he wont pick up my calls. i dont know what to do, one day he said he’ll come back, now he’s saying he’s really happy and doesnt want me! what do i do?? PLEASE help, i am going crazy and i want him back more than anything, i love him so much, and i just want a second chance with him, should i do no contact ? i’m afraid it’ll backfire on me and i will just never get to speak to my best friend again :(

    • and also i am afraid to do no contact because i don’t want to lose him :( i’m afraid if i give him too much time away he’ll never want to look back

      • Hi Sara. Hes lost attraction or at the very least wants to be single, you need to respect his wishes, if he wants to be single he wants to be single. Unfortunately you cannot convince him back or play any tricks or games here in making him come back, he must come back on his own (if he wants to). I reiterate he must come back on his own accord rather than you trying to win him back. The truth is he might not ever come back but that still doesn’t mean trying to convince him to come back will do any better, that is why you must live with the thought: that you have no idea if he will ever come back just that there is a chance of it happening.

        There may be a bigger reason for all the arguing.. But for whatever reason he wasn’t happy enough to be in this relationship, sometimes it can be due to a partner being needy, clingy, slightly controlling etc.. I will be honest and say some of your behavior is both needy and controlling, I suspect this could be part of the reason he left but sometimes it can go even further than that. He might simply have just wanted to be single to enjoy single life.

        The fact he said “we will get back together one day” is interesting though, this is probably the only main sign that can be classified as positive here. The truth is you also need to look at the reasons why he left, why do you think he left? I mean the worst thought is that he met someone else, but have you done anything that made him feel like leaving? There are some things I see in your posts that might have pushed him away i.e making him feel bad for leaving the relationship.

        You say he is/was lying about things, therefore this is not a healthy relationship with good communication. When you’re in a relationship there should be no lies or hiding things. When he has lied once you can only imagine how many other times he has lied too, he could be lying about much more and this is enough to lose trust in someone. Don’t these lies by him make you feel uncomfortable? I suggest seeking counseling if you are going through a lot of pain and turmoil, I would also recommend a good book like the ‘the passion trap’ if you can grab a copy.

        NC will not backfire on you, do you really think he can forget you after all that time you spent together? If you fear losing this man how will he ever fear to lose you if you’re the one always doing all the fearing? You cannot lose someone if you have already lost them. As far I know being ‘unavailable’ to someone is a powerful trigger in attracting someone to you. But also remember that NC is not about winning him back it’s about you rebuilding your life and your confidence. Good luck

  54. Hey Jay, hope you can help me. No idea what to do here. I’ll keep it short as possible.

    Me – 25 Her – 27

    LTR 6 1/2 years. Moved in after uni etc 8 months ago, got own place 3 months ago. No relationship problems really. Broke up for a few days over crimbo over stupid household chores etc. Sorted that out, all seemed well. Jan went well – no probs. Told that she loved me, still good sex life, passed some exams and she was so happy for me – in a couple kind of way. Mid Jan – decorating our house, buying some prints for the walls etc……

    Then a few days later, wakes up beside me, says “I can’t do this anymore”. Totally blindsided. The ‘reasons':
    • she’s too fatigued
    • I haven’t met her expectations
    • loves but is not in love (though still fancies… Wtf)
    • circumstances aren’t right for us now
    • Timing isn’t right

    Did all the begging, pleading, texting, letters etc doh! No avail. Both move out of the house. Within weeks she joins a dating site. Stupidly I confronted her.

    V down atm. Was her b’day this week. Sent a card (nothing mushy mind). Been in NC/LC. Had some limited conv via fb. I’ve had an op so she asked about my recovery, me about her new job, flat etc Had good chat, until she mentioned that I can use my crutches to pull women! V insensitive given she knows how I feel! Stupidly I said i wasn’t interested in anyone else. End of conv!

    Today, I messaged her about a final bill and had a fairly civil chat. Asked if she fancied grabbing a coffee for a quick catch up. She said no. That she wasn’t at a stage where she could be my friend! She dumped me!

    Is this a case of GIGS? How can she, who loved me that much not want contact with me? Its not like I’ve done anything wrong. I don’t honesty get what’s happened in the last 2 months at all and how someone can behave this way. Circumstances with jobs etc have been hard, but her reasons to seperate are wishy-washy. She’s basically ignoring me now and getting on with life as if nothing happened.

    Worst of all, she knows how I feel, I have no power here and she is just a cold ice-queen…. And yet id still want to be back together (sigh). But given her sudden distance from me, im struggling to see any chance.

    Any advice would be appreciated. Keep up the good work!

  55. hey Jay

    here is my story in a nut shell and if there is any advice you can give me it would be much appreciated, from what i have read from your advice above i really understand and can relate to it.

    I have been dating my girlfriend for the past 4 years we are both in our early 20’s i used to live in santa barbara as she used to live in LA, when she moved to SB thats when i meet her and started dating, during that time i moved to LA to persue my career as she stayed in SB to finish schooling, her parents are divorced so her mother lives in LA and her dad lives in SB so she goes back and forth to LA and Sb every once and a while. we tried long distance i would go to sb for a weekend and she would come to la for a weekend, it would be strenuse at times for both since i worked alot in the entertainment industry and she at school, but we both tried to make it work. during our 4 years of dating we have broken up, and gotten back together many times. this last january of 2013 her and i were arguing as i was in LA and she in sb and over the phone she broke up with me saying she needs space and no BS aside it means its over in a nice way. she gave me really breif reason saying she needs to focus on herself wants to do her own thing. as shocked as i was i told her she needed to come to LA and get her stuff or i was going to take it to her mothers because i needed to start moving on if she was not going to come get it. she blew me off the weekend she said she was going to come, so i took everything to her mothers not talking or saying anything about what happened just acted as if everything was amazing. the following weekend she said she had some time between her plans and said she wanted to meet and talk, i declined feeling disrepected because to take this lightly as i feel she did i didnt want to give her the satisfaction of working around her schedual. I told her there was no reason to meet i understand the situation and im fine with moving on and letting go.. although i was extreamly hurt because her lack of caring. I used your NC rule cut her out of facebook no communication with her friends, family or anything at all. Which is easier for me because everyone she knows is in SB and i live in LA now (out of sight out of mind) my friends arent mixed with her friends so there was no hearing about anything that she is doing, or doing it with. It has been about 3 months since i have seen her, but at random times i would get phone calls or texts out of the blue from her most i dont answer or respond to, but at times she pushes so hard messeging me on facebook asking why i am ignoring her texting me back to back. when i finally responded i stated that i am busy at work focusing on myself, and that it is over between her and i, which means there is nothing more to talk about, i have said everything needed to be said, i told her i wish her nothing but the best with everything in her life etc. she responded very argumentative and i didnt reply. now i get random texts from her lil sisters which i was close with only when i was with my ex and her family, and mind you these girls are a lil over 11-12 years old. they have never text me out of the blue for any reason before. i guess what i am asking for besides your opinon about the entierty of the situation is why she randomly contacts me and if she is pushing her lil sisters to contact me or am i looking to hard into it. i know its difficult to give me your opinon becuase you dont know me and i gave you a quick run down of my situation but i am really trying to use your NC method to move on and get healthy and i always run into bumps that set me back.
    if there is anything you can provide for me it would be greatly appreciated emotionally.

  56. Second part , I came back to my country with a sad very sad goodbye I even stayed bit longer so we can be together this was a week or so before she started her law studying
    Ok so got back to country full of hope one thing I didn’t point out is that girl has been borderline depression or bipola and has has some stuff happen to her as well she is on medication daily and I try be there for her when she wants to cut she gets angry very quickly and being I her mothers house I rarly shouted at her she use to write it her pain as well but always said I’m a burden you don’t need me I wanted her to always know she was never a burden In My eyes but I did Niglect myself and that is the Main reason for the break up
    Ok so I am back In my country new hope going to prove everyone wrong about me and prove to her I am a man she can see a future with
    I state working on trying to go d work she was backing me up then after me trying and trying for a week or so which was my birthday btw after few days she says I can t anymore Icant do this worry about you I got so much my head so we Brok up now here the thing we broke up and I did t tell to her for a day she started texting me telling me she understands why I’m not telking to her and his and that I took. The step of calling her day after and telli g her it’s silly to though away something so amazing and she cried and she got so upset with me when I did t answer her back when she texted me Saying sorry I put down I needed to carry somthing inside I don’t know why she stated saying I’m plying games this and that she has not yet stated studying yet this is before the week she did
    Ok so we talk dicied to get back together she now comes the part where you respect for me guys get ready she said to me that she is keeping us a secret right now she has nothing to brag s out me to her friends new friends st school and. Nothing to her mom I took it lightly and she saw that and said ” wow you taking this amazing ” we’ll few days after that I said are you too g to tell your friends about me if I call you while you studying with them ? She said don’t be silly I will tell them soon
    Next 2 days I asked Agsin keep in mind she is very sad I’m not there and situation is dalict she said no what am I going to tel them that we back they ask why is he doing anything with his life ? And she says no big fight ended up in Breslin up by text 3 days later call her tell her listen I know what I want I want you in simple words she says she can’t be with me right now she feels since the age of 14 she hasn’t been Alon she doesn’t know how it feels I can’t stand the thought of her with anyone else I asked her would you still went me to prove myself she said yes I would love it to work that me and you can be together she was very emotional
    Next day stet the period of “hope” stuff like I can’t stop thinking about you I miss you while I’m I class
    And when I asked what does she want with us she said if I can show that I can make a plan and some staying power to prove they I can make a living for us and our potentaul family what she would want with me is forever and stuff mor your amazing other then the last few months life with you was lighter we spoke s
    A lot now come the beginning of the end for those few days 2 weeks thigs looked life they can shape up then I Said something about sitting in the office and all I can think about is one day marrying you
    No reply she just said after few hours she was sleeping and not feeling well
    I lost it asked her where is she where is she said at dinner with my dad why you freaking out ! I call her to come to talk I before she said see this is one of the reasons I can’t be with you I love getting the romantic msg’s from you but I can’t alleys reply
    We spoke I the phone I was I a heavy trace admit her what guy friends she’s seeing she said see you not eve. My boyfriend and look how jealous you are said there is this friend but he has a girfirend I think I had a crush on him when I was 14 or somthing
    Anyway she said we not together and I started reminding her of sll those msg’s she sent a out hope it does work of with us etc etc we ended the convo with me saying it really came from missing her we tried to end it nice she was having a break down crying a plidding for me to stop telking about the MSGs ended the talk wit good night but high tentions I sent her some msg’s with screen shots of all the “hope” msg’s she sent me in the mor IMF she got very upset saying she bagged me to stop and I didn’t th opposite and said she had nothing more left In her I broke her. And I said listen don’t through away somthing good over a stupid implosive moment and she said I promised and failed to deliver Agsin just like the finding s direction she i said I will stop telking now and do t went to push her away 3 days no telking I broke the NC rule jay by mistake i called her she answers. Will be continuted …..

  57. Ok so here we go jay I’ve read every thread so please take they In to considareration from your help with mj Neil and the rest
    I find myself at the bottom
    So please help me cause I am in pretty steep
    Back round I met this girl in where I live she came here on holiday and I saw her st the beach we had nothing happen between us cause she still had a boyfriend in Germany. And then the next year she came back and I made sure to meet up with her at the time I was really at my top working showing a Manx worth. We had long distince relationship for 5 months until she came back to visit me Skype was our holy grail for those months she came back here we had an amazing time and made plans for me to come sometime to where she lives far in Africa
    Cape Town
    She then came back to visit me again after talking on Skype and making sure we fall asleep together for another 4 months until I said come Again and visit me she did and then we spent the next 5 months In My country I had become jealous frome the get to I this relationship cause I have see. Few of her guy friends try and kiss her and they was out Mai. Issue at the time I was so In deep that I started not to take commit to myself got easy jobs suddenly and wsnted to spend time with her so she noticed that and the warning signs were there I was just to in love to see it and from that holiday she came here went back after holding a job here to her family in her country
    And I went with her could be I made a vital mistake by going and not staying here to work out my stuff and the. Going to do d yourself I another country even if you have a citizenship is hard
    During my stay In her country we stayed at her mothers house with her sister and mother parents divorced and they all come for an academic back round do I tried to find a job was very hard and the big error was to wide to close I stayed in her house for 5 months now this means we in each others face 9 months and even though I love spending every second with her it’s not healthy i had plans to move out st the end of the 5 months but it sad impossible she wanted to Steg I. Her moms house while she state her first year of studying law
    A other thing no way to get around I was uncomfortable In the house and the family took that and thought I might be a bit stupid I am a smart boy and I know that I’m out going and fun and have lots of confidence all the things she fall invoke with but I was not showing it
    She was keeping a hostess job and I was trying all kind of stuff as well the mode was bad and she came to me one day and said we need to end it she doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore and I said you sure ? She said yes
    Got my stuff ready lots of crying lots of it till I got my ticket she said she’s falling in love with me Agsin. And I am sure her mom and her boyfriend that don’t do anything gave her bad advice the plan was after we pitched things up they I would come back to my country sort my life out and come back prove myself to her

  58. This is long because I was in a long relationship. Where to start? 1997 we met at work and we were co-workers. Both had very young kids who were the exact same ages, we knew the same people, we had interests in common. Over the years, we chatted about our unhappy marriages. Misery loves company and yes it happened, we fell in love. Didn’t mean for it to happen. That was 2001. The divorces came, mine first, his years later. Note that we live in two different towns. A few years later, he got another job, so we no longer saw each other daily.
    As the new love phase evolved, we became settled in our relationship. His son was on a travel team and he was always gone. His son JUST graduated from high school in 2012. Yes, 11 years of this, no joke. His time with me was basically what was left over after he did what he needed to do with his kids. Yet later in the relationship, I was accused of ignoring him, which was his biggest complaint about me. I feel that I put up with a lot of neglect, but he has double standards.
    We talked about marriage and where to live over the years, but in the mean time I was raising my two kids on my own. I have a very difficult son and I needed to work with him, especially last year or so. I was very distraught and he KNEW I was having a hard time with my son. I couldn’t imagine the two of them living in the same house especially since he has little patience. I told him I just can’t think about all of us living together right now. Though he denies it, I don’t believe he wanted to live with my difficult son. Basically we both had separate focuses.
    So over a year ago, my boyfriend just started doing things without me. He started drifting from me. He didn’t make great efforts to see me and when we would try to connect, something would always get in the way. He started talking mean to me and said he was just angry with me all the time, and the ignoring issue seemed to rise to the top of my faults. I started asking him if our relationship was falling apart and if he wanted me in his life anymore. He said he didn’t know. During this time, my issue with my son let up and I was feeling better. Our eldest child each went away to college. I said finally we should be able to relax and have time for each other, though at this point our relationship was already strained. He finally starting warming up and agreed to meet up with me and take it slowly and see where we go from there. But my luck, a freakin’ hurricane (Sandy) hit. The last I heard from him was Nov 2012, he said he would call, and he never did. I think he was mad at me for something I said. Needless to say, I never heard back.
    I didn’t understand. I left angry voice mails and texts at first. Then I stopped for two weeks, thinking he’s mad at me, we’re just fighting, hoping to hear back. Then my texts/emails/calls were hey what is going on? Why are you ignoring me? Then I stopped at New Years, for three weeks trying to stick by my resolution. Still nothing. Then I started texts/emails/calls some angry, some begging, some asking why are you ignoring me, still no acknowledgement whatsoever. I kept asking do you just need time, or do you want me out of your life forever, or do you have someone new? I even texted him hey since you’re ignoring me and refuse to talk to me, why haven’t you blocked me? Doesn’t make sense why the one sided communication.
    This past weekend I discovered he was on an online dating site. I went there for myself thinking I need to see other fish in the sea because I have NO idea what is going on. (I really have no interest in dating, I’m not there yet, I’m just devasted.) Yep, terrorism texting, email, voice mail, full assault. I wanted to know how long he was on there and why did he set up his profile, and of course did he meet someone. Keep in mind he NEVER broke up with me and he NEVER asked me to leave him alone, even after months of texting and emails and calls. I kept asking if you want me out of your life, why don’t you just block me? I think what finally pushed him more than my assault is I said you cheated on your wife and went behind my back to date too, what kind of a record is that. Or it might be a coincidence since I’m not sure if he actually reads his emails or text, but I am now blocked since yesterday. So I emailed him and said thanks for blocking me (I partially wanted him to block me to keep me from constantly texting him, a forced NC) but will you please just give me closure and tell me why you dumped me and what did I do wrong? Well, not that I expected a reply, I didn’t get one.
    So here I am still wondering how he feels, if he’ll ever come back. The last email I wrote I asked if there is still a chance for us in spite of all of this. Over the past few months I kept reminding him we rearranged our lives and marriages just to be together, and now this. Can you honestly say you gave it your best shot and tried to work out our kinks? I’m trying to remind him we’re not kids, and to literally just walk away without a word, which is exactly what he did, is NOT trying to work this out! Who does that and what does that mean? I am willing to lay all of this out on the table, but hard to do when he doesn’t even acknowledge that I’m still alive. I don’t want to give up. I want him to at least start talking to me. We went through too much and too many years just to stop cold turkey. I reminded him we’re not perfect people and there has to be compromise. I want him back, but I don’t know what to do now. Thanks for reading. Hope you can help!

  59. Hi I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago. He told me that he would love to stay as friend mostly due to us working together and going to the same business events. I didn’t realize til before the breakup of how bad I would treat him because of how low my self-esteem was. I have since the beginning of this year that I have became really confident and am able value myself for who I am. Somehow he kept on showing me his unconditional love when I would yell at him tell him that I hated it him. This kept on going on for about 4-5 months during a time I fell into a major depression (and suicidal stage) of my life. Before that everybody would say we were the perfect couple. He really did love me. It was to late for me to realize what I had done and who I had became. I also wasn’t paying attention that he left everything just to protect me from killing myself and to show me unconditional lov he gave up his time, his job, his family, his friends. Last weekend we stayed in the same hotel cuz we had traveled out of the city for business and we went into having fun and enjoying the time together watching a movie and joking around again and the thing that I was hoping to not happen happened and we ended up having sex. He told me that he loves me but not as a couple anymore that he is too confused with what he went through with me in the suicidal stage. He sometimes shows me affection and when he catches himself he stops and pulls away. I know he has resentment and anger towards me. If there was anything I can do to go back in time and be strong so I wouldn’t have fallen in that stage of my life I would but now I just learned to become stronger. My question is how can I win his heart again? Even the day we broke up he told me he loved me in the morning and right after we broke up and I was leaving I went back to give him a hug he picked me up and kissed me then he apologized for doing so. I really love him and I’m not sure what to do at this point.

  60. I tried to contact my ex of 11 years after one month of being broken up and she wa so cold …told me to never txt her again does this mean it’s really over? What should I do we broke up because I was busy at work and couldn’t call I don’t understand how she can ignore my calls and txt then finally reply with”I’m.trying to be nice now don’t txt me no more” I’m so crushed I don’t understand how she can just treat me so bad like I was nothing.

    • K bro now don’t panic you did it all well right now I idies you you kept way for 11 months be proud of that takes a lot of will power to do that I think most guys well say when she angry means there are still lots of feelings and yes there is a 2 way optionsel plan facing you if you really want her back you tell her listen now we all human I called to try see if there is anything and tell her she better think about her answer 4 ways through ! Cause this is the last time you calling. It just leave it and move on 11 months is to long you need together moving this is time your not getting back I am get to write my story here under the name of nat Hope I helped a bit

  61. I broke up with my boyfriend about 1 month ago, since the breakup, I tried to contact him 2 times by email, and he never responded.
    Our relationship was so beautiful, we were so in love, we never faught or argued about any thing, I only have beautiful memories about us.
    but I felt a week before the breakup, he was under so much pressure from every thing,and so many harsh circumistances, but our love was always perfect.
    I know I didn`t handle his pressure right, and I make a mistake by contacting him, but I still love him so much, and I know he loves me so much,
    I need advise, I don`t know what to do?
    will he come back to me or try to contact me again?
    Have I lost my chances to get him back when I contacted him?
    and if I started the no contact now, will it work or it is too late? and for how long I should wait?
    I need real advise, I don`t have any reason to hate him, or to forget about him, but his sudden decision about ending every thing..

  62. Jay,
    Thank you very much for your advice. There’re many times I kept asking myself how long I can be in the relationship with him. He tries to control me and asks me to do certain things that I don’t like..He asked me to go out. But then he either overslept or made many excuses for cancelling our plans for the last minutes. There’re many other problems in our relationship. Everytime, I brought them up, he got mad at me. I felt I tried so hard for the relationship. Meanwhile, he didn’t appreciate it. I know I was wrong for breaking up. I’m kinda a person who cannot control my temper. If I don’t like certain things he does, I speak up immediately..I’m probably so childish.
    To me, companionship is very important. Of course, if I work so hard for the relationship, at specific amount of time I’ll run out of my energy. I broke up with him because I thought if I applied the NC, he’d recognize what he did wrong and would realize how much time and effort he has done to keep the relationship strong. My feelings hurt a lot when thinking about the past. 3-4 weeks ago, he said he loved me so much. Now, he acts like a stranger. I’m not sure I can trust and believe in true love anymore…

    • Hi Skyline, after reading your last comment my last current advice has changed quite a bit. Often breakups are the cause of a misunderstanding or lack of communication (i have seen this so many times), if he is controlling you did the best thing, to him he might not even think what he is doing is controlling, or perhaps you think of it is as controlling but its not?.. I dont doubt you however.. His anger in response to you telling him about his controlling behavior is just a sign he has an issue though that he is not willing to admit. No one will (or should) feel happy in a relationship where they feel controlled..

      Your in the right spot as of now, you broke up but tried to talk to him and he did not respond (therefore doing NC now is fine). Do NC for you. Find something to keep you busy, keep your mind off him.. if he contacts you arrogantly later hes not worth your time. If he contacts nicely willing to work things out then good. I am sorry to hear about the breakup though, your story stood out a bit to me that why i commented.. if you feel better keeping me up to date feel free to do so. Good luck

  63. I’m sorry for the length but I’m hoping I can get some advice. I was really good friends with my ex for about eight years. She was living in another state when I finally told her how I felt. She was as elated as I was and convinced me I was everything she wanted in a guy. Our outlooks on life, interests(sexual too), we had so much in common. The distance was hard to deal with but we Skyped and texted a lot, we made the best of it. I was so madly in love with this woman, being friends with her for so long really made it worse. She broke up with me in Sept last year and took me back in November. She told me she was just stressed out and couldn’t deal with a relationship at this point in her life but realized I deserved a chance. She sacrificed a lot for her past boyfriends and was having trouble putting everything into a relationship. Flash forward to December and she dumps me again. Saying she just needs to be single, there isn’t anybody else, she wants to focus on her life and get her life back on track. I told her how much I cared about her, and that when I was done with school(RN student) I would like to give it another go because I will be financially stable and can get a job pretty much wherever I choose. I left it that. We didn’t talk hardly at all except a FB comment here or there.

    Flash forward to late January, she moved from NY to CA because she got a good paying job. I told her I was happy for her and whatnot. I started flirting with her in FB chat, even to the point where I hinted I wanted some dirty pics. She said “You gotta ask the right way”. And then after that it stalled and I asked her if there was someone else because she has never had problems with sending me them before. She said she would just feel dirty. Why flirt and respond to me then? Ugh. We don’t talk much after this and a week ago I see photos on her instagram account of another guy. I ask her if they are a couple and she tells me yes. She gets instantly defensive and tells me I should just be happy for her that her life is going in good direction and if it were me she would be happy for me etc, I hadn’t criticized her at all.

    This hurt me so unbelievably bad. This women at one point was convinced she wanted to marry me and I was the love of her life. We weren’t just a couple, we were best friends too. I believed everything she said and she had me convinced she truly loved me, I was/am crushed and just blind sided. I’m pretty sure I know where I initially went wrong. I enjoyed skyping and texting a lot and I think eventually it wore her out and she felt I was needy and suffocating. That was really my only problem and if she had told me before it was too late I would have backed off.

    After learning of the boyfriend we had a chat on FB and I told her I couldn’t be friends with her anymore. She told me I was being selfish and “Some friend you are”. I told her I really do wish her the best and hope she lives a happy and fulfilling life, and I stressed the point of actually meaning it. I told her I wasn’t trying to be vindictive but I just can’t be friends with her if I want more than she does. I told her I I was still in love with her and I can’t be part of her life sitting on the sidelines watching her be with someone else. I also said asking you to break it off with him would be selfish on my part but if you give me a real chance some day you won’t regret it. I explained to her I know she brought felt I was needy and suffocating because of the texting and skyping, I did text a lot. I’m not needy it just made me feel connected, the distance was so hard.

    So, I think I made a mistake telling her I love her and want her but I initiated no contact afterward. Overall the LDR lasted about a 8 months. I lost my best friend in the entire world, she was the person in my life I was closer to than anyone before we even dated. I am crushed. I don’t think I can ever be friends with her again, I think after I heal I will feel resentful. I feel like I wasn’t given the real opportunity I deserved. She will always be the one that got away and any interaction I have with her my feelings will rush back and I will be in a shitty place all over again. I almost wish I had never told her how I felt about her because then I would still have my best. Any advice would be incredibly helpful, I am in a terrible place. Deep down I hope this relationship of hers is a rebound relationship and fails, but it happened 3 months after we officially broke up, but why flirt with me two weeks ago? Maybe thats why she felt dirty, but why lead me on like that? Ugh. This mindset is terrible and my logic tells me not to think like this because it isn’t healthy but my emotions tell me otherwise. How could she care about someone else already. No matter what I must stick to No Contact, and it hurts. Will I ever have another chance? Did I do the right thing?

  64. 3 weeks ago, I broke up with my boyfriend. Somehow I feel so tired in the relationship with him. But deep down inside my mind, I still love him. We haven’t talked at all after I broke up with him via email. To me, it is hard to talk to him in person. He usually gets mad and frustrated over small little things- Things that I didn’t do exactly what he told me to do..
    A week after we broke up. He didn’t respond to my email. There’s no closure for the breakup. I texted him to ask him to meet up and talk. I knew that I was wrong for breaking up like that. I really want him to fix the problems with me. But right when I contacted him, he turned off his phone immediately. Until then, I promised to myself I would apply the NC. However, 3 weeks passed by. He totally ignored me even we saw each other at work. That hurts my feelings so much and it’s difficult for me to move on. I love him a lots. I used to think about our future plan. He mentioned about proposal. We met our parents on special occassion. Now things change. We almost become strangers when we meet at workplace. I don’t know what I should do and how I can overcome such this hard time. Could you please gimme advices? Thanks!

    • I’ve got a few min to answer you if you read on top the NC tactic will only apply to the dumped not the dumper your the one who cut the chord not him be feels confused just as much as you are “why is she contacting me if she broke up with me ” it’s not fair to him even though you have no intention of playing mind games with him it comes across that way if you feel obligated In getting your msg across to him call him no text no nothing if he says no the only thing you can do as the dumper that is similer to the dumped I. NC is move on and let the course of nature do it natural habit and that is to heal don’t blame yourself for any implosive actions you took you’ve come foreword and made it clear you made a mistake if he loves you people intened to hint the Parson will come back and about the l

      • About loving you in my opinion he does if not be could easly just handle any I encounter between you 2 I hope I have help as much as I CBS. Stay Round to hear my very sad and confused story

      • I agree with the answerer above, he said it well. You broke up with him Skyline so therefore he is confused and doesn’t trust you.. i mean think about it.. if he dumped ‘you’ then suddenly said he wanted to get back together wouldn’t it make you feel a little weird?.. like he was up to something? If for any reason you acted like this relationship meant nothing to you he will be even less trusting of you, if he wanted to fix things and you said “no im leaving” he will also be less trusting of you..

        When a partner gets dumped by the dumper the dumpee believes there is all kinds of reasons she/he did it. Were his values realistic or unrealistic? When he said he wanted you to do things were these things normal? Or were you not doing these things hurting him and his feelings? Or was what he was telling you controlling? Was he trying to control you? Its all about compromise and being civil.

        If the issue involved ‘another guy’ then you could be in deep water.. if the problem was more at home between you then you will have better chance to fix this, it takes two to tango so even though in this post i might seem like I’m blaming you I’m not.. but it’s important to know why you two wont compromise on certain things i.e does doing the things he tells you to do make you both happy? What effect does not doing what he asks have on him? What effect does it have on you when you do the things he tells you to do?

        If you have done something to hurt his feelings (or doing things to make him mistrust your commitment) i would send him one final message such as “I am sorry if i hurt your feelings, i did not want this breakup to happen and i realized i jumped too soon, i understand you do not want to speak as i noticed your phone is off and i respect that.. i do want to be with you and i will do my best to do my part in the relationship, but for now i wont contact again until i hear from you. Please be clear on what i have done that is making you not want you to respond, i want to understand your feelings and i hope we can work things out.. maybe even take it to relationship counseling as i believe this will help the relationship, if you do not wish to try again i wish you all the best in your life and in happiness”.

        The above is a good message.. *edit* where you see fit. If you know you did something bad then pop that in the message and apologize, if you feel you did nothing wrong then don’t.. He needs to know you mean business and take it seriously, i would believe that if hes still worth your time he will get back to you eventually and take the ‘relationship counsel’ part seriously, he will take it as you not messing around and being completely serious about making things work.. if he doesn’t get back to you within 2 weeks to 1 month start moving on. If he doesn’t get over this one you will meet someone better..

        As for NC you do full NC after you send that final message, i think sending that will also make you feel better about it too. Relationship counsel will be able to determine who of the two of you has more problems than the others i.e hes controlling or your not doing enough. If this RS means a lot to the both of you then you will both seek counsel imo. I would look closely at your own actions in the mean time, are any of your actions during the relationship showing a lack of commitment to him and the RS? If not dont worry. For all we know he could being childish and overreacting but have a good think about anything you ‘might’ have done to hurt his feelings.. I hope you guys get back together :) Good luck

  65. Hey so me and this girl started dating after seeing each other/ hooking up for a couple months. We dated about a month. she had always expressed fears about being in a ratio ship with me because she said I was the best person she ever met. And that all her exs cheated on her and were abusive/ drug dealers. At one point she said I was being too clingy so I backed off and she texted me the next day. She confessed she cheated on me with a high schooler during that one night where she was with her friends. She’s 23. She said it was because with her exs there was always a way out but with me she could see no end. Begged for me back etc. 4 days later I took her back n she said we could work on it together.

    A week later we have a huge fight n she said we need space. I no contact for 4 days she texts me constantly that she missed me. We started hanging out again. But she was being more distant and cold rather. I did my best then I finally confronted her. We got in a fight again she started calling me self conscious then I brought up the cheating and told her to put her self in my shoes and that she had to make me feel like he wanted this RS. I told her it was my job to trust her again though. She agreed n said she had forgotten about the cheating aince it dodnt mean anything to her but she understanded from my point of view I offered to break up if she wanted she said no over and over again. In the morning we woke up next to one another and she said this can’t work. I said the offer still remains. N she said ok I just don’t feel the same towards you anymore and I’m not in love. We had a long hug and she left.

    She left and stupid me had second thoughts I texted her like furiously trying to convince her things could still work. She told me to stop and that it was over. I did I told her she wouldn’t be hearing from me n that I was going to focus on my self but that I still loved her but it is what it is.

    2 days later I was drunk txted her I missed her but ten said to ignore it and that it was a mistake. I haven’t heard anything since. I have had some time to realize some of the mistakes I made. She is going through a tough time not being able to find a job with her degree and being really tight on money. She’s always come back before and I really want this to work because I really do love her. But it hasn’t even been a week and I really made her mad with my like 2 hours of txting after she left. She kept telling me it was for the best and that jumping right back in Kant the answer because it wouldn’t work. Do you think NC is goin to possibly bring her back? She hasn’t taken any of my valentines day posts off her fb wall nor pics of me. And we had planned a big trip to Vegas for her birthday n which I was her ride there. But that’s a few months off. I’m dieing not contacting her. It killed me when she kept telling me there was no chance and that she didn’t feel the same. Could she be just confused and not sure what she wants? Could those feelings come back?

  66. I’m or I was in Distance relationship after she claps she went 400km from my town .One nyt I called her she said she was bussy I shud call her a mnt later(9am) I called she she rejected the call,the next morning she called 2 say sorry 4 wat had happened,sfter 2 days same thing happened I asked her ;ve u found a new guy?meb this is wat. Making u 2 behave lyk that u ve been that b4,she got upset the 4ollong day she. Sent a text sayn its over bt we can just be friends.I tod her we can’t be friends nor enemies she added something lyk neither lovers I tod am am nt okey with it I tod her I rly love u n I stil love her bt , as tym went by stopd calling her. I had no way n it was no use of calling her .she calls atleast 2 tymes a day 2 she can’t leave wwthout me bt bt nt as lovers bt as friends bside she is stil jealous n corcened wen I tel her that I want 2 move on. What does this suppose to mean with my ex ?

  67. Idated a guy for 5.5 years. We were so immensely happy the first few years, then I don’t know what happened…4 years into the relationship he was really into mountain biking and was training for a race…He went to practice for it, got hurt and was never the same. His personality changed — He started to obsess about the world ending, hoarding food, then he became obsessive about organic gardening, then he got a new neighbor that moved in whom he decided he hated and started obsessing about ways to get revenge on this new neighbor. About six months ago he became obsessed with flipping crack houses and making money. He is consumed by it literally. Constantly looks at houses online….etc. I got upset because he wanted to move farther away (1 hour) and I also expressed my concern that trying to flip houses with no experience was risky. I expressed my concern and told him he was making a mistake. He hung up on me and wouldnt speak to me for a week. Then when he finally texted me he said that we should move on because I ridicule his ideas, I wanted to get married and he didn’t (not true), and that he didnt love me the way I loved him but he said he still cared for me and always would.
    It has been 2 weeks since we broke up and we have talked on the phone and texted. But he has been just COLD and very distant. I told him last night I missed him and I got SILENCE. I am thinking about going NC for awhile with him and see what happens. I am just stunned that someone who told me they loved me for 5 years is now so cold and cut off emotionally even though he said he still cares. I cannot believe we broke up because I disagreed about his decision. Was thinking about going NC for a couple of months and see how it goes?????

  68. Hi im
    After some advice on my split . My ex fiancé has left me and would like to get some help as he’s moved out and I’m struggling and tried to convince him to come back nope , tried to say ” let’s try” he’s agreed but then says not sure if we can be together as we fought too much ( that’s what broke us ) a fight we had over family from his mother not talking to both of us during planning a wedding that’s suppose to be end of this month .. Yes it’s cancelled . I’ve suffered from a break down . We own a House together he’s moved out . Been 5 years together. We hug and cry that we both have deep feelings for . He’s made amends with his mother finally ( which I’ve tried to ask him to due to the wedding coming up) well I am the bad one as we fight they knew we had a few big fights as he runs to them hysterical crying that we did so they judged we not good together . We have had alot of stress in the last couple years and some is traumatic from it . That we took it on each other both had high stress jobs . He calls me hysterical from his mum and his job but I don’t judge and say leave your job or mum like the family gave advice on us ” easier to break up” than to communicate and reconcile hey!
    Anyway he’s saying he can’t Be with he and not sure if will ever come back as not trusting me . Yes it’s raw and both hurt . He cares and loves me but not to be with me.. Asked to give space and let him go..,as he said hes been lying to himself and needs tO sort his head out… hes depressed to
    I have cried and done the stupid beg .. I love him soooo much its killing me and want us to work on each other .. I am
    Seeking therapy and he is seeing same lady and I understand to start self help and work on me only , but its hard to switch off his thoughts and hard Nc which now will try this week to do NC.. NC is a struggle when we own a house and he comes to garden and go the shed . We argued the other day that I forced to get his clothes all out its hard as I cried said I didn’t mean to but deep down its best to move out clothing . Not all furniture of his gone however . I’m very lonely and not sure how to switch his negative of us to positive and reconcile
    Yes he says let’s try and go out soon fun dates he’s agreed but then says space and then next sentence can’t promise if he can be with me as that’s how he feels at the moment he says and who knows what future holds… I am broken when he tells me. I say stop living the past both take responsibility of that but he likes to dwell on it
    I hope therapy helps him but not to tear is more apart ???
    Hellllpp

  69. This is long, i left my ex on last summer because i was tire of him, he is very tied with the money, i feel he was taking advantage of me and i feel didn’t feel free. He said that i humillado him, for me the problem is about the money, he doesn’t like to spent money, i broke up , he did something that i didn’t like and is money , but on the other side i love him and he Is a very nice guy , smart , help me to do good things, in my finances, he likes to work, he came on November to look for me for reconciliación but i was still mad of him, and by January he past in front of my house, atthat time i went out with another guy and after that i realize i dont want to be with anybody else, i still love him and on February i went to look for him but he told me that he loves me but he was already living with another lady and she has move to his house, i didnt believe this because i thoughhe wants to make me feel bad, but it was true, i still love him i know he got in this because of me living him and he was painful for him, he beg me a lot to live with him but another thing is that he isvery selfish, he told me that this lady does not have younger kids. And i do. I have sent him messages telling him that i want to be with him, he told me he needs time. Some time he doesn’t answer the phone, but i have told him i wont text him anymore like two weeks ago. But i have call him twice the second time two days ago he answered and we talked about some problems that i have and he listened to me and advise me what to do, but no more about us, i am giving him time but i feel too bad. Please tell me do you see any future on this. Thank you

  70. My ex and i broke up last year December. Never heard from him again till this year february. It started by him asking how i was doing and all through bbm. He mostly tells me he misses me. We’ve become good friends now and i’ll say i almost here from him everyday. Just last week he wanted soo much to talk about why we broke up. When i didnt want to ,he went like”we have to” and i didnt understand why. Through our convo, he asked if i still love him and told me he still loves me. But one thing is, when we dated he kept this distance which made me feel he didnt want me. I love him soo much but scared if i give in he might treat me the same way. Soo confused

    • Hi Mary, It sounds like he wants you back, he wants to know why you guys ended, perhaps this is your chance to talk it through together when he contacts you next. When you get into this convo tell him how you felt about him keeping his distance, you need to ask yourself if its due to your clinginess (dependency) or whether he was simply too scared to give you attention or closeness.. and then distanced himself to protect himself due to bad past experience.

      This is something you need to work out yourself because i have been one of these distancers before with a clingy girlfriend, but it seems the main issue here is ‘communication’.. you both need to tell each other how you feel more often, happiness comes first, telling each other how you feel more often gives eachother a chance to learn each others needs in a relationship. IF your problem is being needy or clingy you need to a get a hold on that, if its more to do with his distancing then he must ask why he distances so much, remember don’t play any blame games at this stage, just go with the flow and be civil. If you agree that both of your needs are important and normal then that is great.

      Some ‘relationship counseling’ might be the way to go if you do get back together, this will help get to the bottom of these issues, obviously the problem does come down to insecurities, one must learn to live without their partner just as one must keep a healthy distance, its about getting the balance right, sometimes people distance when they are feeling suffocated, some keep distance as a way to protect themselves from a bad experience. I hope you two get back together and sort out the issues holding it back; but yes misunderstandings and miscommunication seems the problem here going by him demanding relaitonship talks otherwise he would not have asked.. being the one who distanced seems odd if hes asking you where it went wrong, as i said this points to him thinking he has not done anything, this is where you tell him how you feel and address the ‘distance issue’ to him. Good luck

  71. So I was with my ex-boyfriend for 3 1/2 months. When we met, he was very clingy and really wanted to be with me. I was still trying to get over my previous ex-boyfriend of 10 years and didn’t want to get into another relationship. But once I started seeing this new guy, I’ll admit that I fell for him. We talked about getting married and even though it was fast, I could see a new life with him. Then, a few weeks before we broke up, he started acting distant and didn’t want to hang out with me much. I was so unhappy and thinking about ending the relationship but I didn’t want another failed relationship so I held on. One night, my boyfriend and I got into a fight, and the next day my previous ex asked me to dinner to try and “get me back”. I met up with him ONLY to tell him that I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore but my boyfriend had called during that dinner and when he asked where I was, I lied and he found out and broke up with me. Over the next couple of months, I was devastated, knowing everything was my fault. I did everything-from crying over him to acting suicidal…anything to try to get him back. Nothing worked :( So finally about a month and a half ago, I asked him on Facebook if I had any chance with him and he said that he can’t get over the lie thing (being that it had now been 6 months since we had broken up), and he didn’t feel the same way for me and didn’t want to be with me right now. So, I told him that I wish him the best and that I love him and goodbye. About a week after that, he messaged me on Facebook asking, “You all good?”…I didn’t reply and on Valentine’s day he Facebook messaged me AGAIN saying, “Happy Valentines Day”…still I kept the NO CONTACT with him and didn’t reply. About a month passed of us not talking (well, me ignoring his messages) and he called me one day at work out of the blue. Apparently, there had been a shooting near my house and he called to see if I was OK. I was so caught off guard that he called and kind of frustrated because I was trying to not talk to him and by ignoring his messages, I felt STRONGER…but when he called me at work, I was FORCED to talk to him and that sucked…especially when he said at the end of the conversation, “Have a good day kiddo” :( So now, it has been 2 weeks since that last phone call…no Facebook messages or calls from him since. His birthday is this Sunday…what do I do? Should I message him “Happy Birthday”? And he is moving in a month to another state… :( I LOVE him so much but I still keep remembering when he said he doesn’t feel the same for me and that stops me in my tracks of wanting to contact him. Do you think I should just move on? Or do I have any chance of getting him back? I thought that if I didn’t contact him that he would miss me but yet NO CONTACT from him in the last 2 weeks. What do I do??? :(

  72. My ex girlfriend nd I have been broken up for almost 3 years, during that time we both had other relationships. For the last 2 and a half years she has been trying to get me back by asking and telling our mutual friends. Once we met up at one of our mutual friend’s father’s funeral and she wanted to give me a letter and broke down crying, the letter basically saids the love she still has for me and the reason why she left in the first place (mainly because she was too young, she was 24 and I was 30). At that time I didn’t react on it and said I’m sorry as I was in a relationship.
    Just recently after about a year we contacted each other and decided to give things another go, she even arranged a counseling session. During the session she said she wants to be with me and Im the person she wants to start a family with so I decided to give her a second chance, 4 weeks later she told me it wasn’t working out as she can see a future together but the passion wasnt there and also she is very confused with headaches and anxiety when we are together like million things going through her head.
    So I basically told her if that was the case then there’s no point continuing.
    What I’m most upset about is what she said at the counseling session about seeing a future between us then doing a complete 180 four weeks later.
    Not sure what to make of it as I am confused also.

  73. We broke up 7 months ago, he only contacted me once, that’s 5 months after we broke up but he didn’t speak when I answered the phone and I just left it as it is, didn’t bother to call him back. I didn’t contact him at all since we broke up and deleted him from FB and Skype. We haven’t speak since we broke up. Does that mean this is really the end of it?

    • It’s never the end feeling can arise from just the actual fact they you had had chemistry in the beginning believing in an end is only a fiction of the imagination and I believe the dr. Will disagree with me but you really have to try exhaust the NC to your cause in the most adaptable way possible remember we are not part of the relationship but just a part of a few details that you have shared with us in this blog NC no NC it’s a tactic but your sanity as more important so use the tactic in a way will still leave you with peace of mind meaning if you have any worries try and talk to yourself look at the situation for a different angle and and see if its worth breaking the NC chain judge it by the way you know this human as well not only but the story’s you have seen heard and good luck I’m yet to write my story here as well

  74. Wonder what will happen in the future.

    Met, dated a person for a year – we have the same sets of behavioral issues, and express them the same ways – and as a result, we understood each other, and ourselves, better than before – and we had a strong bond that broke this past fall.

    Turns out that she may be a codependent relationship addict, and has avoided real therapy and talking about real depression related issues – replacing it with a relationship. Of the two – the one she is in now, vs mine, ours was ridiculously strong and symmetrical, we also bettered ourselves in many, many ways from our understanding of each other.

    Wonder if she’ll hit a point where she either sees she has to get that stuff sorted out, or is essentially forced to get treatment/counseling – and after that if she’ll try to come back.

  75. Is there a way to correct my mistakes? After a year and a half relationship my ex broke up with me. After we beoke up I tried contacting her a lot. Did not understand the break up. I stoppee contacting her for a while. On v day I sent a letter to her apoligizing for mistakes and sent her strawberries to her job. If I used the nc rule could it still work? My ex was crazy about me at one time. Super jealous etc. Since our breakup I changed in a lot of way. Just want to know if there is any hope or if I should move on. Thanks

    • Hi Jorel. Yes even if you have made many mistakes you can still put NC into place, in fact sometimes NC is just as powerful if you put it into place after any mistakes. From what i read here your trying to win her back by winning her approval but she wants something ‘different’ from you.

      Unfortunately females rarely tell you the reason for why they broke up with you, this is something you need to work out because she doesn’t quite know herself. But from what i have read i would suggest a book like ‘no more mr nice guy’ by Robert Glover, it might give you a better idea of what to do.

      Its obvious to me she lost attraction at some point, the longer you were together the better you chances are of getting her back. How you get her back? By doing NC and getting yourself back together. Moving on is your only option but you don’t need her permission to do so. So if you want to realize where you went wrong (i.e you said you changed).. get a copy of that book i suggested above and it should be an eye opener, i know it has been for many guys i suggested it to before. Good luck

  76. Is it possible for the NC rule to work when your ex was the one who said it was best if there was no contact? broke up 2 weeks ago yesterday. He texted me on vday and left flowers at my door. However, I do think there was another girl waiting in the wing:(

    • Hi Melanie. I don’t usually answer questions often since i get many of them; as to the question you ask here it depends on:

      1) Who dumped who?
      2) Who was more into getting the relationship to work?
      3) If he did leave you flowers it sounds to me like that he still wants you.
      4) if there is another girl involved.. and you know this 100% then you need to set a boundary down that he is not allowed back till the other woman is history. This is only applicable if your 100% positive he has sexual history or some sort of intimate friendship with her. That’s not fair on your trust if so..

      A a lot of breakups happen for the wrong reasons i,e accusations and assumptions, do your best to stay away from these right now. To me it sounds like he wants to come back to you, he said he did not want contact likely because he was hurt or wanted space especially if you dumped him. If he dumped you for another girl then i would not take him back so quickly if at all..

      But the fact he spoke those words of ‘dont contact me’ then acts against those words is strange behavior. Remember that NC is not something you should go in and out of.. so i would advise finding out why he sending flowers to you while saying he doesn’t want you to contact him first. If he starts playing games and wont be honest then feel free to do NC.

      To me it sounds like you have a great chance to turn this around. Both be civil and im sure you will work things out. Good luck

  77. You have sound advice. I failed at NC. My ex of three months dumped me in front of a Buffalo Wild Wings two days before Valentine’s Day. It had started when I dropped by his place because I had remembered him mentioning wanting to hit up BWW and I wanted to catch him before happy hour ended. His phone was dead and he wasn’t at home but his roommate told me he was a BWW with his friend already. I rush over there and just miss him because he had forgotten something at his place. I wait with his friends and he comes back only to meet me with hostility and calls me a “stalker.”

    We both argue vehemently and he dumps me right there saying all sorts of awful things to me. Then he drives away to where I “can’t follow him.” I text and beg for him to take me back but am only met with silence. The next day he comes by to pick up his stuff, teary eyed and remorseful for hurting me and telling me he needs a couple days to think before even considering starting over. Two days pass. I cave and contact him and we agree to meet at the library. I show up with balloons and a sign with lyrics of “our” song written on it because I just wanted to show him how much I cared. And he just stands there and shakes his head, telling me we’re just too different and that he doesn’t feel that deeply about me. I can’t help but cry.

    The next day we talk because I had something else to say and I cry again. We hang up and I remember something else I wanted to say and he actually sounds annoyed when he picks up. He goes from “You’ll find someone new. Don’t cry” from our previous phonecall to “We’re broken up. I’m going now” in our last one. And I just felt so insignificant and dismissed. He was the one that asked me out first, so it boggles my mind that he left me. I failed at NC and he’s truly gone for good and just so ready to move on. Just like that. And it hurts much more than anything I’ve ever known. All I want is for him to take me back. And I can’t stop blaming myself. If I hadn’t tried to catch him before happy hour or if I had been less quick to anger when he showed up…I don’t know. What would you advise at this point?

  78. Hello Jay,

    So I have some questions regarding a situation I have been going through. I was dating a guy for nearly 2 years but we didn’t officially had a title. He told me we were exclusive and I was completely faithful to him the entire time. He was apprehensive about becoming involved with someone after his ex cheated on him and needed some time to heal, which I understood because I had been through a similar situation. We were friends 3 years before we started getting involved romantically and he claimed to be broken up with his ex 7 months before we started dating. He was always somewhat flirtatious with other girls but it never bothered me because I was confident and never got jealous. However there were rumors and things that he was trying to get back together with his ex although none of it was ever confirmed nor did I never find any direct evidence. So I felt insecure about the situation and began watching his profile on social networking sites and found some other situations where he was flirting with girls, liking their pictures of facebook and instagram, keeping in touch with his ex, etc. I admit that I shouldn’t have been doing that and I understand my part in the situation and what I did wrong but he wouldn’t take any responsibility on his part for his actions. I would try to give him the benefit of the doubt but eventually things built up and I would explode with anger out of nowhere because I started to get frustrated with not addressing the issues I had with him. I would ask him repeatedly during courtship if he thinks we should just be friends and he would always say no that everything would work itself out. Then about 10 days ago I basically gave him an ultimatum saying I have invested too much time into the situation and if its not going anywhere we should just be friends. He said that he would have to think about it and he would get back to me. I gave him some space but I was about to go out of town and wanted to leave knowing what was going on between us before I left so I could have peace with the situation. I asked him what he decided and he didnt respond until the next day. He said that he thinks we should just be friends right now because he has a lot on his plate (he is a public figure) , his dad just died, is severely depressed, and that he couldn’t deal with my emotional outbursts with everything going on. I still had feelings for him so I couldn’t agree to be his friend. I tried to explain my behavior and he kept blaming me and basically making it seem like he did no wrong. He said ” Well I guess we both have a lot to think about”. I said some things out of anger and I could tell he was hurt by what I was saying. During the convo he would go back and fourth between empathy and caring to apathy. One minute he didnt seem to care that I was upset then the next he was trying to work it out. He opened up a bit and we talked and he said “maybe everything will work itself out in the future or maybe you will hate me and it won”t. I said well why are you leaving it up to me when you are the one who wants a break from the situation and he said “it was between me and God and to call him when I figure my issues out”. I don’t get it. He broke it off with me, but he is putting it all on me for us to be back together? Is he using reverse psychology to keep from feeling guilty, saying this to give false hopes about the future, or does he really mean it? I know what I need to work on within myself but I don’t want to hope for reconciliation if he is just trying to spare my feelings. How can someone break it off with you and then expect you to reconcile with them? I’m the person being dumped (rejected) so I think it should be up to him if he wants to try it again. This was 10 days ago and I haven’t spoken to him since. During the convo I tried to explain myself/convince him to stay but I got so emotional and angry that I just hung up the phone and blocked his number. I have deactivated all social media, we don’t have any close mutual friends, so he has no way of knowing what I’ve been up to. How do I fix this situation?? Is there a chance or any hope?

  79. It’s been six weeks of no contact…. It seems to be most difficult time… I haven’t heard from her… What step should I take

  80. Hello, ive been having a tough time finding some good advise on this. i keep hearing lots of different point of views about no contact rules, and getting ur ex back advise but so far what ive read hear has made more sense to me so i was hoping u could give me a little bit of advice on this.

    My 1 year and half gf broke up with me about a month ago. She said she needed her space, that she wanted her friends back and that she didnt want to depend on anyone anymore and that she wanted nothing to do with me. At first i tried to talk to her about fixing the relationship but she didnt want to at all. I was real depressed, and she kept on talking to me asking me if i was doing fine, telling me that she was worried about me, so she offered me her friendship.

    We hung out a couple of times just as friends but i had my hopes up trying to get her back everytime i saw her. so one day i found out that she was dating my best friend. i Went to her place to pick up some things i had and i saw them both together and she told me ” u had to find out someday”. I couldnt believe it, so i told her not to talk to me ever again that what she did was wrong, si i grabbed my things and left.

    I deleted her from my phone, twitter, everything and stared doing the no contact rule. and i started to feel just fine. I coped better with the pain, met new people etc. Things were better until last week where i got a message from here saying. How are you? are you still in town? cause i came to this city just because of her. So at first i didnt know what to do, so i didnt answer. 4 days went by and i couldnt hold it anymore. i needed to know what she wanted and because i missed her so much. so i replied saying. Im good thank u, how bout u?? and yes im still in town… a couple hrs later she replied. thats good, me too. And that was it.. so i started feelin like shit becasue i told myelf i shouldnt have answered in the first place, and started to think maybe i can reply something else to star a conversaition but i ended up not replying. and she knows i read her message already.

    The thing here is that i miss herm and i fell like i lost the chance to get her back. im just real confused and i want to know what the best thing for me to do is if i want to get her back and for her to look for me again. I would really apreciate your help

    Thanks!

  81. Hi Jay,

    My boyfriend broke up with me almost 4 weeks back after a relationship of 2.5 yrs. Since then I have been reading a lot about reverse psychology n no contact period. I of course reacted in the same way as most of the girls would do initially but then I stopped calling him and started doing things I like. Also as per the suggestions given I avoid taking his calls but used to call back taking my time only to listen his yelling saying that I m disrespecting him. It is only yesterday that he called n above all he started putting allegations on me saying that I never had strong feelings for him and that’s a reason I have moved on so quickly..

    I just don’t know what to do.. I love him so much that I want him back anyhow. N somewhere deep inside I know even he has feelings for me. Probably he has started dating another girl but he does not want me to know about it.. I miss him like hell n want him to be back. Somehow I managed to get him into the zone of insecurity by making him see my happy picks having holidays at some exotic location but the irony is he knows me too well to know that my smile in those picks is not for real.

    I’ll be highly obliged if you could help me save my relationship and suggest what best can I do to make things back to normal.

    Awaiting your revert…

    Thnx
    Nic

  82. Jay,

    I am trying to also understand this NC thing as my ex and I are currently… well… ex’s. I want to get her back and while she broke up with me back on 7 January, I started no contact this past Sunday. Two days ago, she texted me to see how I was doing. I didnt respond and ignored her. She again sent me a “funny picture” last night. Should I keep ignoring her or should I keep it super short and sweet. I didnt tell her that I was initiating No Contact either. Any help would be great and wonderful.

  83. Well jay im becoming a fan of your site, all your advices are damn right, the no contact is something i knew (you have to be strong) make em miss you… I felt this in the oposite way, y was trying to make a relationship with a girl and i wasnt sure i liked her but at the exact same moment i felt rejected by her i felt i loved her and i felt i needed that person in my life why? We humans want what we cant have is simple logic no contact ur ex and she will start thinking if they did right by dumping you, then theyll check if they still have you when they contact you if you dont see any intention to develop a relationship is your turn to reject her/him got my point????

    This article is soo useful.

    • Thanks Dante, great to see you popping in and advising others too :) What you said is pretty much spot on, the only thing you missed is that even though NC makes them miss you NC is also a good time for self reflection, NC is for improving yourself and making the necessary changes to things that lost her in the first place, some examples can range from arguments to plain clinginess. Or the main one being neediness. And yes part of your ex (or former lover)’s mind will be on the fact they felt wrong for dumping you if YOU are appearing more happy without them. they will doubt themselves.

      But as i said too, a big part of this is not just going away to make them come back but also to sort ourselves out, the ‘reasons’ we lost them in the first place are the things that need changing, and that takes two tango in most cases. It could even be the ex was a horrible person but when people are emotional they seem to look straight past it and avoid using logic of whether the person is right or wrong for them. Anyway i leave it there haha. And yes it feels good to turn the situation around and be the one deciding if you reject them rather than them rejecting you continuously. Talk soon mate

      • Hi jay and Dante, I’ve been followiing this blog for the past 4 weeks and has given me some insight of what to do as I’m also in a situation where I have recently broken up with my girlfriend a few months ago. To make my story very short is that I met this girl back at University and when it came to graduating I decided that I move to her home town and get a job there. It wasn’t easy at first as companies weren’t hiring but after 8 long months of job seeking and many interviews I managed to land a job and moved to her home town in March 2011. Things were going great as we were both working and enjoying each other’s company and spending time with her and getting to know her family even more. Unfortunately things took a worse turn when I was made redundant of February 2012 and we had just moved in together to nice flat. I went back on applying for jobs and going to many interviews and was hit that I didn’t have enough experiene and then the relationship started to take some major strain because I my money had run out 3 months from being made redundant and my girlfriend had to for the rent and etc till I was able to land another job which i didn’t waste time with. I won’t lie that in those months I did fall into a depression as I had lost my job and did fall onto my girlfriend for support. From March to November 2012 I was looking for jobs and didn’t mange to land one. We both decided that we would break up, move back to our parents houses and try to get our lives back on track. Within moving back to my parents house I landed a job within 5 days and started working within a week. We were still talking as normal as if nothing happened and then come December, I found out that she slept with someone, it broke my heart that someone I had been in a relationship for 4 years could do this and lately has been partying none stop every weekend and having casual sex. I understand she feels that she has missed out on life as she was supporting me through my hard time. I did the begging phase over the phone and realised that it wasn’t working and that i need to recover emotionally as mentioned in your article (which i read evert day!) I did go into NC a 3 weeks ago and slipped up over the weekend by sending a text and got back a text stating that she’s still angry with me about the previous year. I’m slowly rebuilding my life and my mental state to what i was before I met her as I had been with the person for over 4 years and even talked many times about marriage and kids with this person! I suppose what I’m looking for is have I completely lost all hope in getting her back and do you or anyone have any advice?

  84. I’m wondering what you think my chances are of realistically getting her back. We were in a seven year relationship, that took a drastic turn when my girlfriends brother died from a heart attack. After that day I got pushed to the side like a bad movie, but we continued to live together for another year growing farther apart until finally she moved out, but had contact with me for a couple more months, until I found out she was talking to another guy and blew up on her badly. Even after that she still showed concern for me and has alot of my things at her family’s house’s and has not terminated my line off her verizon account yet. It’s been about 10 days since we last talked, but she made a big effort to contact me for 4 days straight, then like an ass I sent some pics of her that are my favorite and she knows that, plus a text apologizing for being the way I’ve been for the last couple of years. I also sent a text saying she’s know what I; want, and if she don’t know that by now than she is a puts, I said my heart is with her and will be for a while, ever since that text we have had no contact at all. Its been about 10 days now, do you think there is still a chance considering she hasn’t totally pushed me out of her life yet???

    • Paul i don’t usually comment on this blog page since going through every one’s situation can take some time but i would look at how much you value yourself here more than anything, she has been behind your back with another man, i think the more important issue is not to get her back but to realize right now she is not doing the right things, the things you should expect from a partner are not going behind your back with other guys regardless. this makes you both incompatible for the time being.

      It sounds to me like your ex went through a hard time with her brother’s death and you may not have not taken into mind her feelings since you seem to have put a lot on her giving your less attention which around that time is pretty normal, when someone is going through a hard time they don’t need any nagging or anyone telling them they need attention. this is just my guess of where your insecurities maybe faded in a little.

      The truth is right now you need this relationship more than her BUT what happens when it is you who needs it least? I want you to spend your time away from this ex of yours, use NC wisely, use it to get your head straight, right now you are still emotional about the whole thing, i can sympathize with you but i want you to remember how confident a guy you were when you first met her, what is the difference between then and now? The simple truth is you were not as attached to her back then. Right now you are needing her back to live your life, but if you live your life you will find you don’t really need her and that is when she will give it another shot further down the line.

      Please make some time for yourself, change your focus from her to you. Will a woman want to come back to a man who always needs her to be happy in general? You have to learn to be happy without her and move forward so she can find reason to come back. I wish you the best of luck

  85. Hi, I have just broke up over 7 months. At that time i tried calling her, but no use. she chanegd her no:, mail ids everything i approached her through my parents and my parents talked to her parents too..they abused us not only her parents she also abused me..i tried to NC with her for long and afer that i cant and would have been trying to call her home and getting the same(abusements). reason for her broke was am not finacially sound.But io need her back..and i tried by contacting her relativeut that =couldnt make sense..i donno know wat to do..she dumped me but i need her back..pls advise

    • Dude you dont need her, the best you can do is accept she may not come back and none is perfect i know when u love someone that person is perfect to your eyes but thats just an illusion… You can view another girl the same way you just need to acept it and move on… Do not expect anything from her and find another girl to share your time with eventually that new person will fill your life… This comes from someone dumped short time ago i understand you pretty well its hard but we have to accept it is all we can control now.

  86. I overheard my ex as i walked past the bathroom, “what time do you finish tommorow , wanna meet for a coffee”?
    I immmediately questioned her about it and ahe lied n lied , until admiting but actually still lying lolz.. Next day she was late home and kept saying im coming , i’m coming, i had a feeling she was with ‘coffee guy’ so suprised her at work ‘bar/ restuarant’ where ofcourse i find her having cocktails with a guy looking quite cosy.. I walked in was polite asked her to come have a fag with me, and then my desperation just showed, for almost three weeks i was just a mouse begging and pleading until she finally told me she likes this guy and wants out… I failed at first but now have implemented the NC rule and its only been four days, it seems like forever. I do however feel more confident and calm, and am probably getting over her… The problem is, i did not do her right.. For six months i just stayed in my room drugs n alcohol and brought her down with me.. She was so amitten by me and i took her for granted, really i just wanted sex n out but she seemed so afraid i was going to do that, that in the end i couldnr and i fell for her…
    I want her back cos she has an amazi g character and so sweet, i did her wrong and i dnt say tht as a victim or someone insecure.. Its true… Valentines day is in two weeks, do i let the NC Pass over and leave her with her new love or do i mke a move???

    • nc is still the go man , if she doesn’t want you back ..there is nothing you can do about it ..the best way is too leave her alone ..if she still thinks of you in anyway she might eventually contact you ..the no contact idea is to get her too miss you , while at the same time it lets you get over her if in case she does not every want to be with you again .

  87. Hi Jay,
    I was wondering if you could provide some advice please? I split up with my ex over a month ago and been in NC for a month after wishing her all the best etc. I recently got a communication from her about money she’d paid me but she dropped in some stuff about her work, she remembered the good times and wishing me the best in life etc. I didn’t respond and it’s been a week.

    The big problem I have is I don’t know who split with who. I moved to her country for her and found she became over-critical, insecure and at times jealous etc, without good reason. I threatened to leave if behaviour didn’t improve and well, it didn’t. I know I shouldn’t have threatened but I wanted to let her see how it affected me in the hope that she would start to work on her behaviour. It didn’t work. I even had one of her friends lecture me (at her behest) on the way to treat women properly; ‘give them everything they want and say yes’! I found it humiliating so it was the nail in the coffin. I even gave her a chance to talk me out of leaving prior to booking flights, but i’d already started packing my bags, literally, when she said ‘just leave’ .She chose to storm out the house (she has a hell of a temper). By the time she returned, i’d booked the flights as I’d told her I had to do it by a certain time for availability, which was true.

    In short, I left. I really didn;t want to but felt I had no choice and had to out of self-respect. We slept together the night before I left despite my mis-givings and weirdly we had a normal day round town, the day before I left.I said I loved her still and it wasn’t why I was leaving, we hugged, kissed on the cheek then I left.

    When we were in touch when I got home, on Facebook, she accused me of dumping her, not wanting the relationship, while refusing to take any responsibility for what happened. I told her I’d prefer to talk on the phone but she pressed on. We ended up with her talking about our life together (future plans) before she admitted she shouldn’t have said it as she didn’t mean it, then she asked me if I thought she was a psycho. I said no but she had some issues with insecurity etc (I’m too honest, can’t help it!). That was it….she typed ‘you can live life on your own then’. Nothing since apart from the money email. She de-activated her FB on and off about four times afterwards but she re-appeared and is still on my friends list. She’s even appeared online when i’m there but i don’t attempt contact and neither does she but she doesn’t delete me either. Is this for stalking reasons (both ways)? Should I delete her? She doesn’t post much so nothing jealousy invoking….YET.

    Now i’ve thought about it long and hard and I would try again ONLY if she’s willing to admit her problems (if she’s even remotely interested in me) but I really don’t know what to do about the NC now. Who dumped who?

    Would appreciate any advice Jay.

    • I should have also pointed out that she’s never been dumped before and she does have a bit of an ego at times, so unlikely she would contact me,especially if she feels i dumped her. I really was good to her (hell i moved countries) but she had unrealistic expectations (something which I now know has been present in some of her previous RS’). Thanks.

  88. My ex and I broke up two months ago! We were together for two years, on and off again relationship during that whole whole years. We’ve broken up a t

    • Total of 3 times. The second time we got back we both told each other that if we broke up again it will be for good. The last fine we broke up was because I couldn’t forgive him for dating someone else while we were apart. He told me the relationship was unbearable and we aren’t compatible. We use to argue and have differences. We are both in college and have very busy lives. I have a feeling he’s dating that same girl now. It’s frustrating because we both really loved each other a lot. He told me several times he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me! The last time we spoke he said he’s afraid he’ll never love anyone like he loved me. I just started the NC for about a week now. I do think we need some time to spend away from each other but I’m afraid we’ll never come back. He was my first bf/first love. It kills me knowing he’s dating other people and having fun while I’m depressed and super sad. I want to hope we can come back to each other after a couple months but I don’t want to give myself false hope. He may never come back! I still
      want to spend my life with him. How do I get him back?!!

  89. Hey my boyfriend broke up with me 2 and a half months ago we were on and off for 3 years cause he was at Uni across water then when he got back for good we got together have two kids in the space of 3 and a half years but I’ve done just the contact for the kids nothing about each other but I’ve gotten nothing not even a I miss you and he ended it saying he just wasn’t happy and couldn’t commit to me which means he obv doesn’t love me enough but I know we are meant to be together so hard! What do you think I should do thanks

    • Jaime, he told you that he does not want a commitment and his actions imply he doesn’t want a relationship. Therefore, you must move on and maintain your self-respect by allowing him to see his children and not use them to manipulate the situation. I applaud you!

      Try a different route and take time to focus on yourself, love yourself and children, and move on. Think about it. He is one man, and now think about the world before you. Every opportunity that is in front of you.

      I suggest reading, “”It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken” by Greg Behrendt. It’s a funny book but brings all men and women back to reality.

      If his actions showed he wanted you, that is different. But they don’t right now.

      Time to enjoy this gift before you!

  90. My ex fiance kept threatening to leave i became frustrated as i was also supporting him and told him to leave. he was never affectionate and tended to push me away idk why i want him back but i do he ledt with an im sorry for leaving u in debt and stating he still loved me. we were only living a together four months dated for two more like talked we met over the phone. i feel so confused and heartbroken but havent contacted since the second day we parted ways since he left some stuff at our apartment which i had to move out immediatley to avoid being so depressed. its been five days barely

  91. My ex and I have been broken up 6 months and during that time I tried everything to prove to him it was a mistake. We have a baby girl together and I was desperate to hold my family together. He never really let me go he would push me away and pull me back in and so I thought if I kept working hard he might see things differently. I didn’t work and I think I just made things worse, I Want to try the nc but it’s difficult with a child and we see each other regularly and we fall easy back into laughing and joking which then leads to more and then he leaves and I feel like crap for being such a push over. He tells me that im perfect and he loves me but he doesn’t want a relationship right now but he prob chase me in the future. I’m so confused and I think he is too. I’m starting to not love him anymore but I still cant cut him out and I’m too nice. Any advice would be great!

    • Dont let him know you still have feelings for him,whenhe drops in for your child leave him alone with the child,just make it casual hi hello meet btwn you both,show him how happy you are(dont act),do things diff from what u did when u were together,look bold,strong diff a new you he had fall in love with

  92. what if an ex is the one who dumped you for another girl what makes him fall you up with alot of haterate yet he is dating several ladies but it still makes him to see you happy and how can i avoid it b’se we are workments but he is showing me alot of hatarate yet he is the one who dumped me.what should i do i still need him and when i talk about it he raughs and aftre he tells me that he can’t answer that question am confused and when i spend some days avoiding him he becames rude on me what does this mean he tells his freinds that he can’t get me back and when i ask him m he keeps the answer.

  93. Hi!
    i dont know where do i start from..my bf and i have been in a relation for 3 months..i proposed him like 1 and half year ago n he comes back n proposes me after that 1 n half year..3months..no!i had actually say 2 months 29 days everything went perfectly well,but on the 3rd month anniversary(we celebrate monthly anniversaries) his sister came to know about our relation,i dont know what did she tell him,he simply said its not gonna work and walked out.we belong to different castes,we were aware of it since the start but we were ready to stand by eachother and were determined to convince our parents.I mean what else do the parents want except their children being happily married??But that day he gav me this tragic news that its over..it felt like someone stabbed me!!it’s 4 months now that the break up happened.and we are still talking,like once in awhile,he thinks he should know how am i?am i fine,because he thinks he is responsible for me,
    i send him any forward,he replies back as an ex bouyfriend,and when i tell him getover it..i did’nt mean it,he asks ME to getover him!!
    i mean i send a causual forward with a gm or a gn and he is the one asking.
    yes iam still not over him,but iam not showing it.
    iam so confused,last night we spoke and he says he wants to see me happy and all,and on the day of our break up he said he would never even look at another girl for a relation..what do i do?
    please help me..i know it is complicated and too long,but please read the entire thingand advice me..please sir

  94. On Thanksgiving, me & girlfriend had a big fight and we said some hurtful things to each other. She said to stay away from her which hurt me deeply, so we haven’t spoken since. I miss her & daughter soooo much everyday, I’ve given it to God to let him work it all out for us. It was a lot of negativity surrounded around us also which didn’t help but she’s the one for sure.

  95. Hi, me and my boyfriend of 3 years just recently broke up. We usually break up and have gotten back together but this time was different. This time he didnt come back. I been through serious ups and downs with him some life changing. He said he still loves me and cares but doesn’t want to be with me. I then asked him if he could see his life w/o me in it and he said sometimes yes and sometimes no. Like huh? I love him and want to work things out with him, but every time I pour my heart out to him, he’s response is always no, and it doesn’t matter what I say because it doesn’t change he’s response or how he feels. I don’t know what else to do I’m crushed.

  96. Hi
    I broke up with my girlfriend 2 months ago her constant games for attention and reactions for jealousy all drove me crazy. we have dated on and off for 6 years, together for 10 months at first, she was 18 and i 24. we broke up for 3 years and she came back strong with a letter. we got back together for 8 months, and broke up with issues from the first relationship, jealousy and insecurity on her behalf. she would bring it up when we were getting along fine and upset everything. We broke up for 5 months and i got back in contact and got her back. she didnt seem to respect my feelings and played games with me again, destroying my confidence and made me insecure from her actions. last straw was she bad mouthed my family and a few days later gave me the option to get back together or she was moving on with a guy who was a friend of a friend on face book which pushed me away. It ended in an arguement and i told her to move on out of anger and i needed a break.

    After a month to the day we had broke up she called out of the blue explaining how she came across my DVDs and what should we do?
    I too had her things which she knew, after a pleasant chat on the phone and she said that nothing came of the guy from face book, so she initiated a meet and a takeaway to catch up, she turns up and says sorry i forgot your stuff as I left straight away as I am with no make up on.? a lot of talking and laughter and some holding hands and hugging along with flirting and kissing on the cheeks and two kisses on the lips she confessed to having a guy on the scene, I was shocked to find it was the guy from face book,with 3 kids from 2 women of very different ages. She said hes nice and likes him and do i wish to see a photo of him? weird! she asked for photos of us? i said id deleted them. she then broke down in tears over their problems with their new relationship, how it hurts her to see him with these kids and his ex is is a nightmare. I got jealous how shed tricked me to meet her and moving on so quick. She explained how shes had to put up with his kids. and she feels bad about them being treated badly by the mother. She seemed an emotional roller coaster, I asked if there was any feelings for us and she smiled and said we are never getting back together, she said we would make great friends and we could go out once in a blue moon. to that i said no as it would hurt me too much. i helped her with her emotions and problems.

    She left with a desicion to make whether she wants to continue the new relationship.
    The next day I called her and said I didn’t like the position she put me in last night and she needs to make a desicion on her own thoughts and I got upset, she said she needed to go to work and shed call later, I got a text mid day saying she had found happyness and that I should move on and said sorry for the troubles and for me seeing them. She wished me to move on.
    I replied ok take care.
    She then sent me another long message
    Saying she cared a lot about me and wantede to be happy, she said I didn’t need her in my life bringing problems and I should find someone decent. She explained she didn’t mean to be cruel and hopes I can forgive her.
    She also said there will always be a place in her heart and always be there for me if I need her. It’s been a week now and heard nothing.

    This is a long and very detailed message as id like to get an accurate answer.

    Question is,
    Do I keep chasing her?
    And what where the intentions of her ?
    Is there anything I’m missing from this mess? Like, is she playing A game, or just a mess, a rebound with this guy?

    I’m lost. I still have feelings for this girl and miss her, I have forgiven her.
    I have the option to go to work abroad for a year in a months time should I go?

    Many thanks

  97. Hi. My (lesbian) partner of six years and I broke up nearly a month ago. Two weeks before that was when we first started talking about it. We live together in a city we moved to three years ago where we didn’t know anyone, and we have successfully built our lives there. The first three years of our relationship involved two-hour train rides to see each other. in these six years, no problems – we have never really fought, we have taken a lot of risks together and we have naturally and organically developed as a strong and loving couple. We are very different people, but it never really caused us problems.

    A few months ago I was feeling depressed and reclusive. I wasn’t sure what I wanted in life, I was not being proactive or even active, and I was too dependent on her – even though I was daydreaming about being somewhere else, even with other people occasionally. I was rejecting her sexually and physically, but demanding her time constantly. Eventually she started being attracted to a friend of hers. That shocked her, and she told me that she wanted to break up, because things obviously were not working between us. She told me she wanted to pursue something with this person.

    I suggested she see this person, and I wouldn’t ask questions, and we could see what would happen – I was desperate to keep her, and I thought it would make her see who she really wanted to be with (me). It worked for a week or so, in fact she was spending as much time as possible with me again, our passion was rekindled, I realised that we had a wonderful thing, and she told me I was the most important person to her. However, whenever she wasn’t home, I went crazy. I finally went crazy at her after holding it all in, and we decided to have a real break from each other. She left for her home city for Christmas. Now I am in my home city, and then will work/travel and we will be ‘reunited’ in two months time. We are now in NC stage. She is back where we live right now. Probably seeing this other person.

    During these tough weeks until NC, we have had some good and honest conversations. She told me that this other person is not the reason for our break up – it is a symptom, a consequence, of how bad things have been between us in the last few months. She told me that she wanted us to discover each other again, that she loves me, that I am amazing, etc etc. She did not promise anything for the future, however, she just said we both need this time apart to figure out what we wanted. When we first broke up properly, I told her I would leave the country to go back to my home city, which devastated her, as she always wants me in her life. I then decided I would stay, and we decided she would move out and I would get a roommate in so I could keep my apartment. I have been helping her find a place. I have work and other reasons (financial, artistic) to stay for at least 6 more months. Of course, part of the reason I want to stay is to also see what will happen with her, if I’m honest. Me staying in the same city changes everything for her, in her words. We have now called this separation, rather than divorce (not that we were married, but the terminology helped us to see what this is). Again, no promises have been made, and we are not together.

    I had sex with other people during the initial break period, while she did not have sex with her crush (though I’m guessing she has now. I don’t know). This made her angry and very hurt. She told me me bringing people home could have jeopardised our future relationship, which is something I don’t understand – isn’t her leaving me, her partner of 6 years, and pursuing someone else within 5 minutes more jeopardising than random sex?

    Since NC has started I have been feeling terrible, especially because of the distance. I often feel like I just want this to end, to be equivocally finished – a real break up, divorce, if you will. I have 7 more weeks of limbo before we speak to each other again. I don’t know if I am strong enough to do this. I sometimes think I would rather know what exactly is happening between her and this person (she told me she did not want us to talk about our feelings, our relationship, our other relationships if any, during this time). It would help me gain clarity, to know where I stand. Other times I want to fight for her with silence, showing love and giving her space, because I love her. But I can’t take another rejection again. In the last few weeks my hopes have been crashed on the rocks more than enough.

    Should I be still trying for this? Is NC just a way for her to be with this other person guilt free, and then maybe see if she wants me back after, like I am a back-up plan or something? I don’t know if NC is helping me, especially when I need to know where I stand in all this and I also am not good with losing control. Thanks for any thoughts you can give.

  98. Hi, I broke up with my ex 6 weeks ago, we were only together for a few months, but were friends for a while before that. We grew close in the time that we knew each other and were together.
    Basically he moved away for a couple of years, broke up with his ex in june and moved back down. That’s when we met, started hanging out and got on like a house on fire straight away. Everything was going really well, and I couldn’t have been happier. Then 6 weeks ago he tells me he’s not ready for a relationship and that he needs time to find himself before he can make anyone else happy,(which i do understand).
    We did the whole we’ll be friends thing, and the problem we have is that we have the same group of friends so we see each other regularly. We generally both do want to be friends with each other, but how do we go about this when he seems completely fine and i’m not completely over it?

    • Hi Josie, ask yourself are you happy being in this position? If not then cut the time you hang with him and focus on your own life and happiness.. hes not ready for a Relationship because he came out of another one, it may take him a year or so to even take relationships seriously again.

      If your not happy in this position then spend less time with him, reason is that you want something he is not willing to give you therefore you must get over it since getting over it is your only choice. Good luck

  99. Hello Jay,

    After reading what you wrote, I realized that I’ve been wrong in my approach. My ex-fiance and I were together over a year. Before that, we talked off and on for over four years. I had to make the first move to show interest because he was shy, and didn’t think I saw him like that. He was afraid that if he made a move, I’d shoot him down. Everything was fine until I got a feeling about something. I logged into one of his e-mail accounts, and found messages between him and another woman. I don’t want to get into what was said, except that the things were inappropriate on both sides (nothing MAJOR). He and I were still together, but I was a little over two hours away helping my mother nurse her sick cat (the cat passed away shortly after I left). The conversation took place a few days before I went back home. I confronted him about this, and instead of agreeing that it wasn’t right to tell her those things and apologize to me, he blew up over it, saying I violated his trust and privacy. We worked things out. Recently, I discovered that he had reactivated a Facebook account that he deactivated when we started our relationship. When I asked him about it, he said it was because he was getting e-mails stating that his old friends (most were into drugs, partying, and promiscuous sex, which he outgrew) were looking for him. To them, he had disappeared from the planet. I became upset about it, but we talked and he asked me not to try to access it, because the login is an e-mail address that nobody knows about, and that he prefers to have his privacy. I was hurt, but I agreed. His cousin contacted him from Michigan. She said her roommate had broken the lease and left, and she couldn’t make rent on her own. She asked my fiance to come up there and help her. She has leads on jobs and such. He has agreed, and is working hard to come up with the money for the first month (The lease is up March 1st). He is looking to get an apartment. At first, he was gung-ho about me moving up there in a few months, but said that I had to go to my mother’s until then, as he was sticking his neck out for her, and didn’t want me to do the same in case the whole situation fell apart. This past Saturday, he went with me to the train station, and I started to cry. He held me close and tight, telling me over and over that he loved me, he missed me already, he’d keep in frequent contact, and he would bring me to Michigan as soon as he possibly could. I thought things were fine. I got to my mothers and texted him to let him know I made it safely. His response was dull. I asked him what was wrong, he said he’d been thinking since I’d left, and that he needed time and space to find himself. He’s got stress and pressure from his current roommate and her male companion (roomie isn’t paying rent or bills, and is facing an eviction on January 1st). He also originally said that he didn’t want me involved in the landlord mess as I wasn’t on the lease to begin with. During the texting session, he also said that he didn’t think a relationship with me or anyone else would do more than make the current situation worse RIGHT NOW, but in the future, once he gets away from the stress so he can fix himself, we could talk and work things out to be together. I was in shock, and started having panic attacks. I suggested that instead of completely breaking up, we take a hiatus from the relationship, not see other people, and just hide our relationship statuses so we wouldn’t get slammed with questions. He agreed to this, but went a tiny bit farther on a site we both use. He started removing things from his profile that had to do with me. A few things still remain. He then proceeded to view pictures of other women, becoming friends with them and such. I tried to do NC, but I had to ask him a few things, as he still has some of my belongings that I couldn’t take on the train. He agreed to take them with him to Michigan so they would be there. He has been trying NC with me, but we exchanged private messages this morning for about an hour. He said the whole split has nothing to do with me or what I’ve done, but he feels pressured, stressed, and angry about his own situation, and said he felt that this would be the best thing for us RIGHT NOW. He keeps using those two exact words. I have decided to initiate my own NC on him. I will start with a week. If he tries to contact me, I will not respond except if it’s something important. He agreed to keep me updated on his end of things with the move, job hunt, etc. I am not sure if he will see the NC from me as a sign that I’ve changed my mind about wanting to be with him, but I’ve already told him I would love a chance to work things out, but only when he is ready. Another issue within the household is his roommate’s male companion. He and my fiance (I refuse to refer to him as my ex) are friends, and the other guy is domineering, controlling, and very persuasive. I think he pushed my fiance into this whole thing…he only tolerated me, really. I don’t know why. I was nice to him, but he blocked me everywhere we were connected. I’m not worried about that, but what worries me is that my gut instinct is telling me that this guy is pushing my fiance to do these things to me. But I don’t know if the flirting thing is to see how I react, if at all (I didn’t mention it to him this morning). The women he’s paying attention to are not his type, and not women he would actually develop a relationship with. I thought about dolling myself up and taking new pictures of myself to remind him of how attracted to me he says he is, and maybe that coupled with the NC would cause him to start talking to me on his own. Is there anything else I can to that might catch his attention without having to outright flirt with other guys? I’m looking for things that are subtle, things that would push the buttons necessary to establish communication and us working things out. There are signs that he does still love me and that we’re still together, and that gives me hope. Past relationships he’s had that I’ve seen, upon breakup, he would immediately delete and block the ex-girlfriend. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

  100. Hi Jay- I have been dating the same guy since August. A mutual friend introduced us to one another, and we instantly hit it off. Unfortunately, he lives in London and I live in Chicago. From the day we met, we communicated via email, phone, text, chat, or Skype at least once each day, and we saw each other every 3 weeks. During this time, my boyfriend got a new job, and he will be moving to Philadelphia in the summer. I was really excited about this since we would be closer to one another, and we both have tons of friends in Philly, so it wouldn’t be out of the question for me to end up there someday if we continued to date.

    Unfortunately, he called it quits last week just before he was supposed to come visit me for the holidays and NYE. He said that he felt that I was a wonderful person, that we were emotionally compatible, that he finds me attractive, and that he enjoys the time we spend together, but that he still isn’t sure he sees a longterm future for us and that he did not think it would be fair of him to continue to date me while he travels for work over the next 6 months and then moves to a new city.

    He tells me that he wishes we could maintain our relationship but that it wouldn’t be fair to me since he is having doubts, and he says that he cares for me, wants to be my friend, still has feelings for me and misses me. He just doesn’t think that he can commit to me at the same level I can commit to him at the moment.

    We agreed to take some space, and we mailed each other our Christmas gifts rather than meeting up, but I am still very heartbroken and don’t know what to do. I know that you say to use NC during a break up, but what should I be doing in this long-distance situation. He is in the US now visiting his family and then going back to London briefly before he travels throughout Asia for work. I know that he will be back in Chicago in the spring or summer to work on a musical project with a friend of his.

    How long should I give him his space? What type of contact should I have with him? I miss him terribly, and I love him dearly. I truly believe we make a great team, and I would love to continue getting to know him. He speaks in terms of “a break” but he also hints at more finality than that, so I don’t want to push him away.

    Any advice or help you might have would be greatly appreciated!

  101. My girl just broke up with me. We were planning on getting engaged she won’t answer my texts a calls. It’s like I’m talking to know one . I didn’t even get closure she said she needs space and then we can be friends I asked her if she missed me and she didn’t answer I want her back bad. What should I do. It hurts

    • Shawn when something doesn’t work do the opposite.. as you can see contacting her is not working therefore what will happen if you stop contacting and chasing after her?

      Give it a try. You DID get closure, as soon as she dumps you that is closure. You do not really need a reason. The reason she dumped you is because you become unattractive to her, it is up to you to work out why she fell out of love with you, she wont tell you that.

      My suggestion is probably that you either became too needy or you argued alot, these are just two suggestions off the top of my head. Will gladly go through with it if you give some more details, till then do NC, read the article again, it is important you understand why you need to do NC. If you want her back get stuck in with NC immediately, you must demand space if she tries to friendzone you during this time. In the man time take it easy and get out with the guys. Good luck

  102. Hello! So after a year long relationship my ex decided that we were not moving forward and I couldn’t open up and commit to her although we were in an exclusive relationship and didn’t have any real issues other than differences of opinion and a few to be expected arguments that I said some stupid things during. She is 25 I’m 32 and we did have issues communicating. Most of our “talking” took place in text messages unless we were together which during the first 9 months was 6 out of 7 nights a week until she started school again. Neither of us were very good at bringing up issues and working through them. So after she broke up with me (in a text message) I made the mistake of having her stuff ready to go at the agreed upon time we had arranged. I realized when she came over that she really wanted to talk it out but at that point I had went into shock mode. I just stood there as she poured her heart out to me and although I did tell her I loved her and didn’t want to end it I really didn’t say much else. So after she left I fell apart. I was a mess and immediately begged for her back but was told that I needed time to figure myself out. I took that time and really thought about what I wanted and when I sent her a text (she wouldn’t answer my calls) she said it was too late and I had made no contact and had no issue when she got her stuff. Also that I didn’t ask her not to end it and that I broke her heart. So another two weeks went buy and I was miserable and tried to call her but she wouldn’t answer so I started to text her and she just continually said that she couldn’t take me back and that it was too late. This went on another two weeks and at a month after the break I sent flowers to her with a hand written note which I poured my heart out in. She sent me a text thanking me but said it was done and i needed to figure that out. So I fell into a deep depression and ended up starting therapy on the advice of my friends and family. The therapist has helped some but I’m still basically a mess. So per the therapists and friends advice I made no response to her last text and started to make positive changes in my life and as many distractions as I could to move on. Several friends and the therapist all said that there was a possibility that she may make contact but I had convinced myself that the entire break up was my fault and told them all that there was no chance because I had hurt her too bad emotionally. So at 5 weeks to the day at 11 at night she sends me a text. She said that she didn’t know if we are still friends but she saw something at a store she thought I would like and wanted to tell me about it. The store at this point would have been closed for hours and although I wanted to I did not respond that night. I waited the until the following late afternoon to respond and told her thanks for telling me I would have to check the item out and that I did want to be friends and if she wanted to talk on the phone or have lunch we could figure that out and if that interested her to let me know. So after about an hour she sent me back a text that she was interested in that and she had just started a new full time job so it might be a bit before we could do that. I sent her a message back and said congrats on the job and to let me know when it worked and we could figure something out. She currently (as of the next day) has not responded to my last text but I anticipate hearing from her in the next week or so. I guess if anyone has any thoughts on what her possible motives could be I would appreciate in hearing those. I am still in love with her and I really would like to work it out. I don’t think she is just contacting me to find out what I’m up to or to make me feel bad but I am not ruling that out either. I don’t know if she is in or pursued another relationship but I know she seemed to get over us way faster and easier than I did. Although that could be attributed to her having been through a marriage and this being my first true love. I guess my question is to anyone who can give their opinion: would she contact me after only 5 weeks of no contact just to be friends? or is there a possibility that she may want to try and re-start the relationship? She didn’t mention a new boyfriend or indicate that there was any other reason than work that she couldn’t meet or talk soon but I just don’t know. I have so many thoughts that I cannot focus on anything. I really do want to get back together but realistically I don’t know if I could be just friends past the sending a happy birthday text or the occasional “what’s up” type message. At this point her being with someone else would crush me so there is no way she could ever talk to me about that. I know its tough without knowing us and our history but if anyone could give me any insight into what her motives could be I would really appreciate it. Thanks for reading my sob story and have a great holiday season.

    Plains

  103. What if it’s the father of your child? I can’t maintain NC but I let him initiate and only talk about the baby. He has a new gf and they have been together 4 months. We have been broken up 5. We broke up when I was 6 months pregnant. We had been together 3.5 years off an on prior to the pregnancy. I would like to atleast try being a family but I don’t know how to act in a way that would make him want to be with me and our daughter. He is a good dad, I just want to be a family.

    • You maintain NC when you can, but there is obv some limited contact if you have a kid together etc. That means you talk to them about the children (when having custody or seeing them etc). But breaking NC is not a case of doing it because you want your ex back but because your doing the best for the child.

      So do NC when you can but when it involves your son or daughter you are entitled as the parent to see your child (of course). But like i said NC is more about getting your head straight (same applies to the ex).

      IF your trying to make him want to be with your with you and your daughter your approaching it all wrong. He must come back to you, you can never make him do anything but if he is a good dad he will be there for the kid. Of course you could see someone about this or talk to someone close.

      If he keeps in contact let him see his child. Just keep sincere and civil with your ex throughout it all, from here its all about doing whats right for the child. If you do that then you will be on the right path to giving the child the two sides he or she needs. Good luck

  104. Hi,

    I was wondering if you could help me on this situation please? i understand your article but I am confused on this one.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years, this past year has been a real struggle for our relationship. He has family issues going on with a mentally ill brother and problems with his parents and I also had a health issue which has now cleared up. We started to find it really hard to find time to spend together so decided to take a week holiday in August where we had the best time and felt like we were back in our honeymoon period, the minute we got back things got worse where the stresses were put back on top of him and we couldnt find time for just the two of us again. As time went on when he was due to meet up with he would cancel almost every time at last minute “saying that he was too tired” or ‘Im just going to stay at home babe’ or “its just the mood I am in at the moment” this started to make me think there was a problem with me as this became so often.

    I met up with him a couple of weeks ago after he had cancelled on me again to see what was going on and he said he was unhappy with everything life, job, us just everything in general. He stated ‘I love you and want us to be together but I need space’ I have never experienced this “space” thing and done alot of research on it, I trust him 100% and know he isnt cheating on me. I agreed to let him have space but after that week the texts and calls ended up stopping I know his been busy but we went 3 days without talking and he didnt respond to me. At the start of that week I left him to initaite contact with me first which he did but then that just stopped. We have always spoken everyday and as time has gone we spent less time together due to give each other freedom however, looking back now I know texting him and calling him everyday wasnt freedom still. I met up with him sunday just gone to ask him whether he wants to be with me or if we should just call it a day with the relationship (of course I was dreading the answer) he instead insisted he wants a “break” for a week which means we are not together (I think this is to stop me pesturing him). I told him I will not contact him and I will just start getting on with my own life so he knows I wont wait around or be made a fool out of. Saying this made me hope he would possibly chase me and at least have a chance to miss me he said “I will text you in the week” but I said “dont say your do it, if you feel like texting me then do but if you dont then that is fine” but I am worried he wont miss me this week because he is working long hours this week which means he will constantly be busy and distract himself to not think about me or our relationship.

    please could you advise what I should do as we are meant to be meeting at the end of this week to see where it all stands but I dont know if he will get in touch which means I will have to text him to arrange it.

    I honestly dont want to lose him and can see where the flaws were in the relationship that can easily be corrected and since his had all this presure put on him I am wondering if he is eliminating me out of all the situation so he can focus on everything else. I understand if that is the case but we have never had a major argument only small bickers and there is nothing that I have done to make him so much as hate me. He said “if we do break up I would love to still be friends” he is such a great guy, kind hearted and honest.

    I have always done so much for him like bail him out when he was short on money, been there always when he asked me to be, tried to give him time to go out with his mates and let his hair down but, I honestly cant see where this has gone wrong. His best friend and brother keep contacting me to see what is going on between us but I can only say so much as I dont want my partner to know I have been giving out information (although there is the chance they have now told him)

    Please could you advise what I can do or say to make him realise we are good together and that just because situations have come up he doesnt need to push me away? I know his brother and friend have told him that I am good for him as his whole family like me and think his stupid for even doubting our relationship but its him that needs to realise this. I have questioned myself and done alot of research as to whether I want all this for the right reasons or is it because I have the ‘rejected’ feeling but I honestly DO want him. I use to make him open up to me just becuase we were close and comfortable but especially recently he has not opened up but closed down and he is giving mixed emotions to me which I know he wont be doing on purpose please please could you help with my situation on what is best to do? I have outlined my questions below as I know this maybe confusing. Much appreciated.

    • please could you advise what I should do?
    • Please could you advise what I can do or say to make him realise we are good together and that just because situations have come up he doesn’t need to push me away?
    • please please could you help with my situation on what is best to do?

  105. Okay I feel so silly. I love him and I need one more chance what should I do?

    I was once with a guy a was mad about Craig I was so in love we were engaged for a while but he badly hurt me and I moved on. But he never had.
    I met this new amazing guy Willis. He was just out of the world treated me like a real princess.
    Well I went to work abroad for a few months. In my first week I received texts from Willis ex girlfriend asking to meet up for sexual things that he had sent to her. I was disgusted what I seen. He did everything to get me back. I ended up coming home the second week and he asked to act normal. So I still stayed with him every night and sat with him.
    But it didn’t feel right. He started leaving me love notes and being amazing.
    But I was so angry it was an on off thing but only for a few hours at a time.
    My ex Craig found out I had moved on and panicked he made up lies I was seeing him and he phoned crying turning up at my house. I went down to see him as he was upset but didn’t tell Willis. He found out and I denied it.
    When we had an argument I told him to leave. He never came back. I was distraught.
    I did the whole begging and pleading. I admitted everything. Then I left him alone for a few weeks. We then met up and tried again. The first week he would throw digs and put me down. I ended up snapping back quite often. I was rushing to things straight back and he wanted to go slow ( I can see that I went wrong here ). The second week he just would not see me or contact me. Was not interested.
    He then broke up with me telling me he can’t trust me he thinks I am still seeing Craig. But I changed my number and everything for him.
    Do I still have a chance to win him back? I agreed with him, he says you need a guy that will treat you right and don’t mess up. He cuddled me I stormed off he sat outside my house for five minutes then drove away.
    He text asking to be friends I said no.
    I am so gutted.
    How do I win him back?

  106. Hi,

    My ex gf broke up with me through an email. I met up with her for face to face talk the next day. I was such a whack. I was crying, screaming, pleading with her. She says we are not suitable. She says she is keeping the friends options open. But I told her I can’t do that.

    We went our separate ways, I was down and drinking to sleep for the 1st of our break up. I cleaned up myself that weekend and told myself to buck up. I begun exercising till now. That week, I clear my head and agreed that we are both in denial. I became another person. Needy, sloppy and egoistic.

    So I called her after 2 weeks of our breakup and met up with her and told her I knew and could see where the problem is. She kept quiet. I could sense that she was glad I finally woke up to my senses, she told me that period when I plead and asked for 2nd chance, she can’t even recognize tt person.

    We end the night nicely. She still text me to check if I am home. I did not reply. I went down to our mutual friend and her birthday party the next evening. We were quiet, seated at both ends talking to friends. And when the night ends, she came over and pinch me playfully and told me that I looked cute today.

    And when everyone had boarded their cabs home, she was concerned about me, asking how am I going home. I told her, I’m fine. I put her in a cab and next thing I got from my text, she thank me for going down to the party and asked me to text her when I’m home. I ignore her till today. It has only been 3 days. And I’m feeling all the mixed signals from her.

    Our mutual friend told me that she has told our friend that I look cute that night and my friend advise her NOT to mention this to me and yet she did.

    I am confused. Can help?

    I texted her happy hatchday. Stay happy and be happy. She texted back : thanks lots for this birthday wish. You too ok, stay happy and be healthy always.

    :(

    • Ninja, it sounds like right now your being her best friend and this is where i have to tell you that NC is time apart, if your focus is on getting her back you wont, your focus has to be entirely on you and getting yourself back which requires being hard faced and stopping all communication with her.

      Personally back then i would of let her know you got home okay with a simple text such as “home”, but from here on you need SPACE to get over this relationship so you can create a new one some months down the line. In other words you NEED to be that guy she met on the first date you ever had, what is the difference between then and now? The difference is that back then you were not attached to her and confident in yourself as a person.

      Dont worry we all fear losing our exes to some degree but if you are to replace that fear with assurance that you are good enough she can only come back later down the line and give you another chance, but till then improve yourself as a person, hit the gym, see friends more and work on the issues you have such as what you typed above, neediness etc. If you aim to learn from reading and aim to get over this RS you answers will be revealed, you might think its weird or counter intuitive to get over an ex but that is exactly what gets women interested.. being counter intuitive.

      Therefore if she tries to play all this “lets be friends” you can simply say “no, id rather we went our separate ways, besides it would be weird to be friends, you know that but i wish you the best”.. then from there on she has to respect your decision.. dont tell her your doing NC just do it! Then when you feel less attatched to her over her that is the time you have regained your confidence because it will FEEL like the first date all over again, by this i mean you need any new RS with an ex to feel like the first date you had. Compare that first date to now and you will see how attatched to her you are now, that attatchment is what holds you back from getting her back.. that is what is deemed as real neediness.

      What happens if you need the RS less than she does? Try to work out that in your head. What happens if she comes back later.. and your the different guy without the ego problems etc and less neediness? You will be better prepared and wont lose her again.. by the end of all this i want you to look at this like SHE is the one trying to win you back rather than you winning her back ;) Now how does that grab you?

      Good luck

  107. my ex said she wanted to go separate ways but I still wanted to work things out and knew she was being brainwashed by her bad influence friends but I texted her ill be here I know u need space so I did no contact and 4 days laters she text me u can call or text me…now I text her and I said u know the door still open if you want to work on the relationship all she text was kayy ..is that good? and I said I miss her she said I miss u too but I try to do things to keep my mind off it..btw she having family problems so I’m guessing that’s y she doesn’t want a relationship right now but do u think we could still get together if I be there for her while she has these problems we went out for 5 months and she lives 45 mins away she barley text me

    • Hi Godislove,
      if your ex wants to go her separate ways let her go, accept she wants to go.. it does not matter if you want to work on things because she doesn’t. Remember a RS takes two people to keep it alive and if she aint interested in fixing the RS nor should you.

      Like i said your too keen on this.. she doesn’t want to work on the RS, she wants to friend zone you whilst she dates someone else. Therefore put NC into action.. NC means no contact. You gotta do it.

      I would recommend reading the article thoroughly.. all the answers are in the article. If you take this seriously you will get her back.. its not about HER, its about YOU.. you have lost attractiveness to her and that is why she left you, you keep giving and giving but you are not receiving what you want so try doing the opposite. You may also find some other advices in other peoples comments below, see if your situation relates to other people below.

      BUT no do not be there for her, she barely texts you, she does not want to get back together.. the only time she will want to get back together is if you do not care about the relationship anymore than she does. She sees no reason to be in a relationship with you because your still giving her everything now, what happens if you take all that away plus the boyfriend benefits she still gets from you? If she contacts you during NC message me and i will go through it with you. Good luck

  108. Maybe I just pitch a tent and camp out here, lol

    Soo, remember that “ex” I had awhile back that lead me here in the first place? Ya know, I had a feeling she’d be back and lo and behold…she’s back. I got a message from her last Friday and she basically apologized for everything, said that she didn’t mean any of what she said/did but there was no excuse for saying/doing it. (her words, not mine). She said that I was a good person and didn’t deserve to get dragged into her ****, and that she didn’t know what else to say other than she was genuinely sorry. I replied and said that it was okay, and to just leave it in the past and that I was above holding grudges. I kept it short and sweet. Well she asked me to unblock her on facebook and ever since I did, she’s been messaging me. But, the messages seem to get shorter and shorter every day. Finally, I caved and told her that she pretty much destroyed me, that she criticized me and belittled me and that I didn’t know what she wanted from me. (enter string of swear words here). I told her that I was afraid of getting close to her again because I didn’t want to set myself up for disappointment and get hurt like last time. But, I told her that I still felt something towards her despite everything that happened.

    I was expecting her to reply with something snide and spiteful, but she surprised me. She said that she didn’t know what she expected, that she knew she hurt me in the past and that she was sorry and never wanted to hurt me again. I told her I felt like an idiot for even mentioning that I had feelings for her, but she told me not to because she still had lingering feelings for me too. She said that getting back with her ex and breaking things off again really messed her up and she didn’t want me to be a rebound and said “being a rebound sucks and you are much more than a rebound.” and “we left a LOT of things unsaid when we broke off our friendship..we left at one of the most crucial times because we just started to let our walls down and let each other in. I don’t know what I expect, want or where we’re going. All I know is it’d be cool to have you in my life again because we were good friends. Day by day right?” I don’t even know what to think of that. I’m a little pissed off to be honest. She wants to apologize and talk, but lately she barely says two words to me. It’s like “hey, what are you up to?” “nothing really” “cool” and that’s it. I wish she had never even come back because now my stupid feelings are coming back. I don’t wanna let her go and cut ties AGAIN because it was bad enough the first time and I feel like if I do, I’ll always be asking myself “what if?” I don’t know what to do or even what to make of her at this point. I’ve been pretty scarce in my replies too and I”m thinking of just ignoring her for a few days and see what happens.

    • You weren’t ready MJ and should have stayed in NC longer, you screwed up when you went all emotional on her.

      The fact the messages got shorter and shorter is because your either too interested in her or she was never that interested in the first place. I can tell this because you were never able to emotionally detach yourself from it. Your still looking for hope that theres something there. What was most important was actually moving on from this. Moving on is not just an action but a mindset change. In NC you move on, you dont wait for her to contact and then hope it works.

      You also ended up giving into your fear when her messages became shorter which is one prime example you weren’t ready, you needed her contact to make you feel reassured. The part where you caved in and started professing how much she destroyed you etc was not needed and ruined it from there, your emotional attachments to this relationship needed to be cleared.. that is part of what moving on is in NC. And of course being emotional still about the past only lets her know she has power over you, she controls your emotions.. she pulled back you got scared and then went haywire with your emotions.

      Before you can get back with an ex the relationship must be new, it must be fresh, it cant bring up the previous mistakes, if the previous mistakes come up then its not a new relationship with a clean slate. Her criticizing and belittling of you is something you need to see as something unacceptable even if you have forgiven her. The problem is now is that even if she has changed those things she still doesn’t find you attractive enough (at a challenging level).. You can tell by her current actions of not being invested in you.

      Also telling your intentions to her was also a mistake, telling an ex you want to date them again is pretty much like giving them a reason to both fend you off with a stick and giving them keys to your heart. The deal is not to hand social power over to another but to display power by being the one who cares least. Right now she is the one who cares least. She doesnt care about this relationship because you care too much about it (im harsh i know but im just being honest).

      If lately she has barely said two words to you then look at her actions NOT her words, actions speak louder than her words. It also sounds like you need to work on your push pull theory here a bit too, she knows your always there for her because you are pushing for this RS more than she is, how do you get her to push for it? Simply by pulling back, or going back into NC which i advise you to do since you need to MOVE ON. Moving on is more important than seeing what effect NC has on her.

      AND what will you get by keeping her around? She will jsut manipulate you and your emotions further. NC is so you can heal and move on so choosing to stay in her vicinity is just a false hope situation where your focus will continuously be her and how what your doing will win her back, she doesn’t deserve it and you should be trying to see this RS as past. As for your pain and fear of losing her you cant lose something that was never yours to begin with, how can you further lose her when she is pushing you away to begin with? Get back in NC. Get over her.

      You cannot be in a relationship with an ex when the previous problems were never fixed. It seems she has fixed her issues a little but your still being a bit wussy about it. She wont want to be with a wuss (this applies to both men and women aswell).

      Remember if you cannot risk a loss you cant risk a win, that is basically what NC is. Being around her wont help you become a different or a more attractive person to her. Use NC to move on completely. And if she hasn’t cut her ex out of her life yet then why be one of her options? If she texts you randomly demand space and stick to it, if she asks why just say because you need it. Keep strong. Good luck

      • I made a post about a month ago regarding my x. Since then we haven’t spoken but what I don’t understand is we weren’t facebook friends and then innseptember she blocked me. I let her know my gma is very ill with cancer and she ignored it. In October she texted me I don’t wanna see u. I’m done talking to u and I need to focus on myself. But to me weren’t u focusing on urself from feb to September when we broke up!!? Now I’m blocked. Is it really over!? Is that why she blocked me to make it easier!?

        • Hi Nicole, firstly sorry to hear about your gma. My advice here is to stick to your NC, breaking gma to tell your ex about your gma (in a sense is none of her business). I hate to sound harsh but being honest the ex won’t fall for it, even if your intention is not look for sympathy this is probably how it looks to her. You cannot convince an ex to come back even if your not trying to do that here. Stay in NC.

          Take her text as final, shes not interested in talking right now.. i don’t quite understand the final part of your message, was that something she sent you or something you sent her? You need to focus on yourself while letting her focus on herself, don’t talk about it just do it. And don’t talk about anything to the ex, NC is no contact. If she contacts you then you reply only if the text message has substance and she wants to get back together, a “i miss you” for example is not a text message she wants together. You want something more than that.

          More importantly you must use this time to start living again, part of your hope to get back together is also part of what stops you from getting back together. Why? Because until your detached from the outcome and the emotional part of your last relationship this relationship will never work out again. NC is also a time for self reflection, its not about waiting for her to come back, use this time to see the reason why you split up.. the reasons will become clearer the longer you stuck in NC. During the breakups our emotions over power our logic, your in NC to get back your logical way of thinking to see the errors and the incompatible issues you both had in the last relationship. then fix whatever issues you had in the RS.

          Then when she makes a serious reach later and you have gotten over it (emotionally) then you can a fresh relationship. Your relationship must feel like a brand new one and not one based on the errors of the last RS i.e arguments etc.

          As for her blocking you, its her way of trying to get over you but i know female psychology well. She is trying to get over you but will struggle to do so if you avoid putting pressure on her to come back. A woman may tell you shes moving on but really she isn’t in most cases, guys are usually straight up with their words. Her words here are based in the moment. So look at the blocking as a good thing rather than bad, it means she still cares, even if it looks like she hates you or is trying to get rid of you.

          The less pressure you put on her to come back the more she will come back. Stick to NC and work on yourself during this time. hope this helps. The KEY to NC is to work on yourself, not to try get the ex back. If she blocked you recently it could be because you either contacted her and it annoyed her (which you should not have broken NC). OR if she blocked you without you contacting her its a good sign, like i said it shows she still cares. Someone who is determined to get over you will come back when they realize your not pressuring them. So make sure you do not break NC if you have. Good luck :)

      • Hi Jay,

        I met my partner 7 years ago on the internet, it was instant attraction, she was gorgeous & sexy.
        We eventually moved to my home town because her & her children were being evicted from there home, we had been together for 6 months by this point.
        I got us a 4 bedroom house to start a new life in, the first 4 years was good, love & sex as usual.
        I then started smoking cannabis after a serious back injury which improved my pain threshold dramatically, this made me a little lazy & laid back but i did not see this as a problem as it killed the pain.
        We moved to another home to save money as she never had a decent job, I continued to smoke, 6 months after we moved in I noticed something was wrong.
        I was sat at our table when she gave me a big pronounced kiss on the cheek, she sat texting for a bit then out of the blue told me she did not respect or love me anymore, I was dumbstruck & in shock.
        When she was telling me it was text after text, I never once checked her phone as I trusted her with my life, she said there was nobody else & I believed her.
        She went away for a week as we had a blazing row & I found out she had been seeing a guy for 3 weeks & also got his name.
        She was in a great mood when she returned & wanted me out of the house, I had to go because she would do her self up & take sexy stuff I got her out with her, it was too much & I had to go.
        The cannabis had turned me into a weaker man thats for sure but the kiss on the cheek was a get lost kiss & her facebook status was S…. Rose has done the business, this did hurt as I have tried to be the best I can.
        The way she delivered the ending of our relationship was ruthless & calculated.

        Her previous relationship was one of violence, marital rape & mental abuse, he cheated on her numerous times.

        After 3 months we got back together but in separate homes, I took into account her past & forgave her as she said she had made a mistake.
        We lived in separate homes for 2.5 years & were saving to get married.
        I gave up cannabis & became the man again doing a lot for her, mainly the jobs a man usually does plus lots more.

        In the 2.5 years we had sex no more than 12 times as she always made an excuse, I did not ant to pressure her as I knew she had a stomach problem.
        I put a huge effort into chapter 2 of our relationship & got nothing out of it, I was starting to realize there was a problem.

        We had a 2 week break with NC & then i went to see her, she then said it was over which I agreed.
        We had a massive drunken row over the telephone & had NC for 2 weeks.

        She then came to my house a few times to get her son & came into her works on her day off for a few hours whilst I was there working, I picked this day because she was not supposed to be there, we had a chat as she wanted to clear up some details, she said that she had loved me till recently, I still do not believe her.

        She said also that she had lost her respect for me as I spoke to my ex wife behind her back saying I deleted certain messages off my phone & that I helped her too easily, I never deleted a thing & only had contact with her when it was to do with our son.

        Her kids have no contact with the father & nor does she, I even went to confront the father because I saw what it was doing to her kids, I got no thanks for anything I ever did.

        We have had NC for 3 weeks now & I will not break that.

        Everyone reading this probably want to strangle me but for some reason I miss her, she is beautiful & I have never loved anyone like it before.

        I put my soul & not to mention loads of money into us & came out with nothing, no answers to what really went wrong.

        To be honest I know i should never go back but a part of me would as I cannot look at another woman & like her at the moment?????

        Thanks

  109. Hi jay, i wrote u about a month ago, im still pretty much in the same situation i was in. I still see her most of the week still been no intimate contact and she’s holding all the cards. I kno i shud back off ive read yer stuf, it was her birthday wednesday and im stil at hers now(sat’day). She’s made plans 4 xmas wiv me dinner at her parents etc…ive got no family an ive had 2 many xmas days alone, my dog died last november he was 15, im torn,my last family xmas was 20yrs ago, shud i wait til after then?

    • Jona, did you do as i advised? Did you back off? Have you started seeing her LESS per week? Who is the one who keeps asking to meet the other?

      Are you together or has she broken up with you? IF you do not answer the questions then i cannot help you bud. You sound like you are just waiting for something bad to happen. If shes holding all the cards you need to stop doing what your doing (which isn’t working) and try something different, if something doesn’t work why do you keep doing it?

      I have advised people in getting their relationships back on track and getting their exes back before. Answer the questions above so i can tell you what course of action to take; the faster the better, the long you leave this the worse off you will be. Wait to do NC till after xmas? My answer is a big no! By that time you will not be able to get your gf back because you will have spent all this time mucking around losing her further. Good luck

  110. hi jay, me and my gf have had been going out for 4 1/2 years now we were highschooll sweethearts we went to each others proms and graduations and had a lot of firsts together. We started going out very young as i just turned 23 a few days ago and she just turned 20 the other day. About a month and a week ago we had a fight and i guese we werent together after that. Then i got laid off from my full time job and now just work the weekend at a part time job where she works. For like the first two weeks she still showed me love then it stopped and i manned up to moving out with her which one of the things she was upset with me about because i didnt want to start a life with her. she said she felt more like friends and like my mother and she wanted more then that like starting a life together. I know the fighting got to her and she said i never held her hand or wanted to do anyhting with her but i was overwhelmed working two jobs. I kept trying to convince her i asked so many questions and cried a lot to her went by her house a few times and she always got mad at me being rude and cold. We had a talk and she told me that she doesnt want a relationship right now she just wants to do her start her own life and let her have space which she always wanted to spend every minute with me.she said she now realizes that i actually do love her She says she still loves and cares about me but in love not so much, she said its been different the past couple of months and she wants her space. but this isnt like her she such a loveable person i did in some case emotional abuse. she never wants to lose someone thats apart of her life so i dont know why she is willing to lose me and my family helped her out so much more then her own family has. I have some anger problems and i realised that and im willing to show her all the love that she needs and I just dont understand why she is just pushing me out of her life. she said she wants to do something with her life but all she is doing is hanging with friends and always helping one of her friends with taking care of her baby and still not saving money. Im always thinking of her and cant take it anymore. On my birthday we faught and i let my anger out and said things i shouldnt of said I even asked her to marry me but with no ring, she said after a few seconds to stop then i asked her why she said why would you ask that we arent together we arent doing good and aint talking. She said she did my bday for me as trying to be a good friend. Then a couple of days went by with nc then i texted her happy bday on hers then i called her asked to see her to give her girfts she said idk and dont want nothing she talked for a little and said she dont want to argue or talk about anything, and she told me to leave her sister out of this to not ask questions about her, but i saved what i had to talk about for when i seen her she said she would call me later she never did so i called her after to see if she wanted go bowling but she didnt have the decentsey to even anser she left me hanging and i was excited to give her a good day. IM very hurt that she didnt even want to see me on her bday.and now its been two more days of nc and i dont feel missed at all. I dont know if i ruined my chances with her because every time i seen her i tried somehow to win her back, but her now even to want talk to me is out of the ordinary and i dont want to lose her and feel like i already did and she is my first gf but i can see past her flaws now but before i got on her for evey little thing and now i realised it when its to late. I hope she comes back to me but i ruined all my chances of having a good day with her because i dwell when i was with her. I need all the help i need because im just going to get depressed even more now because im giving up now on trying with her, her bday was my last try to have a nice memory. please help asap :(, chris

  111. Hello,
    My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years ended our relationship about 3 weeks ago and moved back to California last week. A little background on us; we met while living in the UK, both of us being stationed there. About 7 months into the relationship we moved in together. She got out of the military about a year ago and stayed in London while I went to Africa for 6 months. In July, we moved to DC. Our relationship was solid, on point, in all aspects. We have, or had, a beautiful, raw, intense sexual passion, communicated with each other on EVERYTHING even if it upset the other one. We have similar goals, interests, values and ways of thinking about the world and of life. We’ve supported each other when times got hard, when the other was down, supported each others hopes, dreams, goals, etc. We agreed that when we got to DC, I would support us financially when she went to school and then in 3 years when I’m done with the military and she’s done with school, she would support us financially while I finished my Masters. I want to point out that money is not, has never been an issue with the two of us. So, we get to DC in July and she starts school the end of August. Things are a little stressful because she is adjusting to being out of the military and starting school, me starting a new job and DC is NOT the place we want to be. Two weeks into school, she starts balling telling me it’s too hard, her instructors are worthless and she needs to go back to California. I said “go, be with your family and I’ll try to get out to Cali.” She drops the bomb of “I can’t be in a relationship right now. It’s not that I don’t love you, I need to find me again. I feel like a failure. I want to go to school there and get a job.” She says she doesn’t want another relationship and that she’s not leaving me because she’s unhappy in the relationship, she’s unhappy with herself. This came out of nowhere! We have always talked, we have always worked through things and I’m trying so hard to not think that this is just a selfish, immature way of telling me she’s not ready for a relationship. She’s flip flopped on what she wants to do with her life, where she wants to live. We talked about kids together, having a nice home blah blah. Now she wants to “be free” and live in a “community environment” with loads of people in the same house. It’s back and forth and back and forth and it’s driving me crazy. The last 3 days before I took her to the airport, she asks me to still wear the ring she bought me….if I want to. She tells me she loves me and that she was the happiest her entire life when she was with me. All of this makes me rewind to when we were back at like age 17! She’s 31 and I’m 35! I’m doing the NC….I haven’t broke down and responded apart from her asking if I was okay after this hurricane. Telling me how stressed she is about getting a job, starting school, the move. I adore this woman, am so completely in love with her but should I keep thinking that this was a rash decision on her part and that she’s acting like a selfish, immature child and that she’ll come around? Or should I just completely move on. I know that I CANNOT just be friends with her, that would absolutely kill me. Maybe in a few years but not now.

  112. Hi mate, i think ive been shifted into the friendzone, me and my girl hav been seeing each other for over a year, recently, last 2 months or so, she’s cooled, i still spend 4-5 days a week with her, do and go everywhere and hav great times-but the sex has stopped, the passionate snogs r gone and im left thinkin wots gone wrong? I’m head over heels in love with her, now i dont know wot she thinks or wot i shud do. If she wanted 2 finish it, why am i still around her, shall i wait 4 her, shud i not? Advice?

    • Hey Jona, sounds like you need to back away for the time being. If her behavior and attitude towards things has changed in the last 2 months (including less interest in sex) it is one of two things: she has lost some attraction OR there is someone else. I tend to say keep an eye on her actions or her body language (not what she tells you), as they will be more telling of her real motives.

      First tip: cut the amount of days you have per week with her (i say this because for me 4-5 days is a lot). Even if she is against it or whines you need to stick to this plan, why? Because if you do take this route then you will be able to decipher whether spending less time with her makes her chase or pursuit you more. So gradually spend less time with each other, you may fear doing this because you believe giving her more attention or hanging with her more will keep her around but women do not work like this. 2-3 days per week should be sufficient enough.

      Please also be more clearer on ‘should I wait for her?’ Are you together, on a break or broken up? All require different approaches.

      This is very likely fixable but get back to me on the last questions so i know where your at. If your still together you have a chance still to turn this around. If there is anything else to this situation let me know, be glad to help. Talk soon. Good luck

  113. Dear Jay, kindly read my post below before reading this one, I’ve just added some extra things in this one that I forgot to add below:

    One thing that always makes me go mad is the way he says that only I am the reason for the breakup (if you call it so). He says I would keep pointing out his mistakes, say very hurtful things, call him selfish/angry, etc. and in his words “now he is FAR happier meeting new ppl that don’t do this” and he feels much better. He said all of this to me when I asked for NC, because he was trying to justify why he can’t be in a RS with me or be attracted to me. I do accept I may have been at fault too, but I explained to him that it hurts me immensely that he thinks this way of me and doesn’t realize that he had his flaws too. He apologized for that and said we should still just be friends. When I refused, he threatened me that he would NEVER talk to me again if I do this because I can’t enter/exit his life at his convenience. He said that I was the one to ask him to get out of my life during the fight by asking him not to care for me if he can’t respect me (I really hadn’t meant it, it was just my anger and I told him that). But it seems like he is firm on his belief. He thinks it will never work. During our last convo, I hinted at him about how he should consider giving it one more try by telling him how we had sorted ourselves after the fight and were great again with each other during the “lets-just-be-good-friends” phase because of which I was getting hope again.

    So what do you think? Can he ever come back to me? One thing I can’t forget here is how within 3 days of me not contacting him during my first NC effort (that failed), he texted me (surprising coz he asked me to f* off from his life) that I should cool down. When I didn’t reply, he texted me not to ignore him and that he would keep texting me till I replied. That means he just can’t stay without me!!! But I’m afraid if he has given up now.

    • Hi Jay, those were very moving words thank you. My ex broke it off after 2 and a half years. We lived together. We had always talked and agreed about being together in the future, marriage kids etc. I was a little too clingy and never really gave him his space. I always accused him of cheating when he never was. It was only until he broke it off with me and went with another girl less than a week later. We had NC for about a week or so and then he came to visit me. We discussed some things and it was apparent it was over. But then as he was leaving he started to cry and texted me he loved me. A day later he texted me saying he never wanted it to end this way and if I had just trusted that he was never doing anything it would have worked out. He asked me if there was a chance of getting back together. I told him I wanted to speak to him in person. It was only a week later he came to see me. He was distant, wanted nothing to do with me, said he was moving on and that it was over. I broke the NC almost every other day expecting his decision to change. It never did. He was finalized. He told me he loves me but isn’t in love with me and that he wasn’t happy for a while with my behavior. I apologized over and over bargaining to show him that I really had changed in a small matter of time and that I would take him back. He told me he has no feelings for me anymore. Its only been less than a month. He keeps telling me hes moving on and that its really over. Is there a possibility he will one day return?

  114. Hi Jay, wonderful article. I need your advice:

    I met him online a year ago (my first date). We were great friends and we decided to experiment because we liked each other. Things started going downhill from there because we would fight over the pettiest of issues. Last month, we had a big fight after which he stopped talking to me, but I wanted to still remain friends to which he agreed. When we got back to being just friends, things started being fine again and the fights stopped. However, my heart tore apart when I realized that he’s started seeing an old friend (someone he had dated while we were just friends before being together) and I told him that we can’t be friends anymore because I still have feelings for him and feel very jealous to see him with someone else. He begged, pleaded to me to remain his friend because we’re great as friends and he needed me and would miss me a lot and couldn’t stay without me, etc. and called me selfish for not thinking about him, but I just couldn’t help it. I gave it a try by meeting him but all the while, I was thinking about the past. Maybe, I am in love with him? Sometimes, I think that maybe he would give it a second try too if he hadn’t started dating the old friend, but he seems to have moved on really fast and not too upset about everything. He told me “I can never be in love with you, etc. because of so and so reasons but we are great friends!”

    He stormed away after our (possibly last) meeting last night because I asked him to let me go away. I felt really good after that thinking about how much he is going to miss me and that I had turned the tables now (I was miserable all this while) but right now I am feeling very low again. I don’t know what to do. I am scared he might never contact me again (because he is slightly egoistic). I know that’s not the purpose of NC, but this is how it is. Do I love him? What should I do if he contacts me say 3-4-5 weeks down the line asking me if I am better now and want to continue being friends? Fact is I want him completely or not at all.

    • Hey LostinLove took a while to reply as i get a bit delayed on posts, thanks for your support too on the article.

      For now i am just reading your first message (will read the other part tomorrow). The fighting is one of the main reasons you two aren’t compatible and until you really understand who is starting them and why they are happening you will not be able to get back together until you find out why.

      A big part of this is who dumped who? This is very important to know.

      Realize also that once you are single he may do anything he wants, of course that hurts but on the other side of things i feel it was heartless a little for him simply to go for someone else so soon. If he had that much invested in your relationship i believe he would not have wandered off like that regardless of whether his excuse is “i am single” or not.

      His idea that you are selfish and not thinking about him does not make sense since he did not think about you when going with the other girl, what does he expect you to do? Bit hypocritical if you ask me. You owe him nothing, so he should not be mad if you do not want to be friends, he is just trying to make you feel guilty and control you. You should not have to live in pain while he is dossing around with other women.

      Any time he claims your not thinking of him TELL him he never thought of you when he went off with someone else.. to add to this: tell he never thought of you when THIS (NC) is what ‘you’ want. If what you want is to not be friends (to get him back) then he should be fine with it and not controlling you with “well that unfair” and getting angry.. you are no longer his GF therefore he should not expect anything from you, the cheek of him saying “your selfish for not thinking about me” pftt! Sounds like someone who does not know the meaning of love since all that matters is himself.

      I think you begin moving on from here you will be better off, moving on is about detaching emotionally from him and the RS, this will allow you to clearly see that the RS was not working but could work in the future. However my verdict on this is that he wasn’t willing to work on your RS and therefore has lost you, take the attitude that he has lost you and you will feel much better.

      NC comes with many risks, but being friends with him is not going to help you emotionally and just make you more love sick. You need to detatch somewhat before talking to him again. I also think you should not take this guy back until he drops the ego and grows up. just remind yourself he is the one who went off with some other girl.

      You guys cant be friends, nor can you get back together whilst you are both in this state, you are too emotional and he is too egotistic about it all. Your are obv very attached to him, this is one thing working against you. For now i would not ask me if you can win him back but rather ask yourself if you want to rush back with someone who is clearly incompatible with you. We can talk more later. Remember you are the prize! Good luck

      • Wow, thanks so much Jay. I have so much going on right now, let me explain this story in detail now. I can’t really say he dumped me or I dumped him. This is why:

        We met in Nov 2011 and were cool friends. He used to go out on dates but I neve really dated anyone so I was getting more attached to him. In May 2012, he started teasing me if I wanted to go out on a date with him and I couldn’t stop myself. I said I like him too (although I was not 100% sure because he didn’t really have many qualities that I liked besides being funny and too close to me… I found him a bit selfish/controlling and would always keep tolerating it in the hope I would change it with my love. So we decided to experiment being together. During this experimental phase, I started opening my emotions up and that created a lot of fights because he couldn’t see me pointing out his flaws. Also, our interests never matched. Finally, when I got too hurt when he put me down one day saying he would listen to XYZ person but not me because I have done nothing in life, I got mad and replied NO when he asked me if I still wanted him to care for him. So he stormed out and decided to never talk again. I stormed out too and honestly, for the 7 days I didn’t contact him, I never felt any regrets and was FEELING GOOD. However, I had to return him something so I called him up asking to be friends (and also because, I was a bit irritated because HE had the last word by showing how bad I was to tell him to get lost from his life after he had decided to leave far better people for me, yeah thats another hurtful thing he said). So we became friends again, but this time, I again started getting attracted to him and we stopped fighting because we kept our words/emotions in control. However, he had already started dating new people. On the other hand, I started feeling like I can’t really stay without him and we can work on things and I will change the negativity with my love and affection. But it seemed too late. So I asked him to let me go and that’s what stormed him off because we had mutually agreed to be friends.

        Anyways, coming back to the present, let me tell you what happened after I messaged you. He messaged me saying “YOUR FRIENDSHIP MEANS THE WOLRD TO ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU THE TIME/SPACE NEEDED AND WILL ALWAYS WAIT FOR YOU”. Now I expected to be happy when he understood why I needed to go NC, but I go so mad at him because it seemed he was not guilty anymore and feeling fine. I replied (thus breaking my 2nd NC) that if our friendship really meant that much to him, he wouldn’t give up on me and now he should be happier with far better people and let me go forever (yeah I wanted him to feel guilty about everything). To this, the smartass replies “I HAVEN’T GIVEN UP ON YOU. NEVER WILL. TAKE YOUR TIME.” And I got more mad. Finally, I sent him one last e-mail saying “I don’t wish to keep you in the dark but I will never be able to friends again because it will hurt a lot and bring back old memories and that I had nothing against him and wish him the best life and will miss him a lot. Goodbye.” To this, he replies “I WILL STILL WAIT. MESSAGE OR EMAIL ME NOW ONLY WHEN YOU WANT TO TALK.”

        Do you see the attitude in his last statement? I hate him so much. I wish I could tell him that he doesn’t deserve me and I don’t want to talk to him mainly because of what he did to me. But I couldn’t say that to him because then I’d be contradicting myself for telling him earlier that I liked him. And then he would stop feeling guilty.

        But it seems like he’s not guilty anymore because he has decided to “give me time/space” and is feeling good again. And this is burning me down. I want to make him as miserable as he made me. But the sick part is, even if he came back to me right now, I would still take him back. It’s so complex. There’s ego, hate, jealousy, care, everything involved here! I’m going insane again. I want to delete him from FB but I can’t really do that either because I want to show that I’m a good person who is in so much pain right now because of his doings but has nothing against him. But the fact is, I’ve become so mad and bad right now. I hate him!

  115. I had a question. Me and my high school sweetheart got back together after 5 yrs. I accepted her back even with a child involved this time around. After 4 months of dating and making future plans she hits me with the she’s not sure about the relationship/ we got into this too fast. I’ve since moved out of her mom’s and into her grandma’s guest room. I’m not too sure what happened since everything was fine a week prior to this. I’ve grown to love her little boy after a few months. How should I approach this?

    • Hi NRM, it really depends on why the relationship ended. You need to work that out, from what you have put i cannot specifically put down any reasons only that she says you got into this too fast which by her means comment she is scared of settling down. It means your either going too quick and trying to make things happen too much OR she is hiding something. It sounds like you could even be taking her back too easily.

      My advice: go into NC and work on the core reasons why your relationship keeps ending, generally going too fast either means you are being too needy or she is playing games. By needy i simply mean the person needing or wanting the RS too much as compared to the other person, she must want this more than you do for it to work and therefore you need to get the whole push/pull theory right. Try to write down any reasons you feel it might have ended and feel free to come back if you discover some things out, we can discuss. Good luck

      • Hi Jay I guess it all comes down with me having issues with the baby dad. She didn’t like I was jealous about him but couldn’t help it. I work 7 days on 7 off and I’m away from home. We got into a little argument about it and I didn’t speak to her for 5 days prior to her calling me and telling me all this. I know I have to work at that but didn’t think that was a cause for a breakup. You just don’t love someone and then don’ in a matter of days. At the same time I don’t like questioning her about it and I haven’t I just don’t understand this, it’s all too weird.

        • In relationship counselling it is either one thing or another: the choices are 1) you are overly jealous of the other guy which wrecks your exes trust in you (makes her feel bad) OR 2) she is playing fiddle with two of you and being unreasonable. This is something you will have to work out for yourself.

          Sometimes their exes or fathers of their baby coming into the picture causes a lot of trouble and if you ever get the feeling she is still into him then that would cause trouble for reasons acceptable. Is it because you lack trust in her for no reason? Or is it because she is giving you reason enough to not trust in her?

          There are many out there who go behind their partners back but there also people who make unnecessary demands such as the father not seeing the baby etc. It would be better probably for you to write this down and then come to a conclusion on who was causing most of the problems in your relationship.

          Jealousy and insecurity is number 1 killer for any relationship but so too is the fact that a person may still be in love with their ex, her having a child with him may somewhere deep down inside bother you (maybe not) but whatever the reason always know that choosing the right partner is just as important as the rest. If she still has baggage from being with him then you should not be with her, if however she not into him anymore then its likely more a jealousy problem with you.

          This is all intrinsic stuff, its instinct natural but we must become more aware of it and clamp down on the real reasons we argue with others. Sometimes we argue because the other person is making unfair demands so if she is and your still together you let her know, look up my post on ‘setting personal boundaries’ on my blog, this might give a better idea of what you must do. But there must also be a sense that sometimes the kids dad must be in his life and this is something you will have to put up with even it does give you doubts about your RS with her.

          For now if your broken up remain in NC and use this time wisely to regather yourself. By being here i can tell you care (admire that) but the trick with NC is to less emphasis on this RS so you can see clearly and not let emotions eat away at you. Put it this way, if this RS is destructive you must willing to walk away from it if you know it wont work, unfortunately the reality is this sometimes happens.

          ‘She didn’t like I was jealous about him but couldn’t help it.’

          This above comment by you is probably the main reason (your insecurities). But she may also be making unfair demands, however if you are acting emotionally and untrusting of her motives with him this is one reason she is upset with you and is annoyed she doesnt have a man that can simply trust her.

          This is not blame you but you must take a good look at yourself because acting irrationally is one common trait with guys who lose their exes because they cant curb their jealousy or insecurities. Women want a secure man. if shes going to cheat SHE will, truth if you cant stop anything from happening outside of you. And if she did cheat on you then move onto the next.

          ‘You just don’t love someone and then don’ in a matter of days.’

          This is how women behave and act (irrationally). Question too whether or not she really does love you, women still care about you after breaking up with you but if your the ‘rebound guy’ then she will be able to turn her feelings off because she may never have been that interested in the first place. Women are also good at hiding their feelings (they are both emotionally and socially intelligent). So whilst an ex may not seem to care, she does but she wont chase someone she does feel right with me.

          The link at the bottom of the article may answer some more questions for you, check it out. Good luck mate :)

  116. I have a question. I was in a 3 year relationship with a girl during college years. She broke up with me feb 12 bc we constantly argued and couldn’t get along. I couldn’t stop talking to her but every month from February to July she saw me once a month. Things would go great and she would say she wants to work on things then wen she would leave she would change her mind. I did no contact for 2 weeks in August and she kept calling, I didn’t answer for 5 days and then I finally did. We met up for lunch and se said she really wants to work things out. We went bowling and had drinks few days later it went good, we went to breakfast it went good. Then we were laying in her room and se calle me chubby so I ignored her. I thought it was better to ignore then argue. She said she was joking but never apologized. I didn’t know what to say so I stayed quiet the next days she ignored me. We met up few days later for brunch and she was so distant and I got emotional and cried and got angry bc we were suppose to take it slow and everything felt rushed and we never talked about ways to change things and ways to talk things out and not argue. Because I was angry and then crying she said we will take things slow. She continued to ignore me days after and or 2 weeks after. She wouldn’t agree to talk or meet up. Now 4 weeks after that incident she still won’t talk to me and now won’t even respond to a text or call. So i did NC for a week and texted her and she was short and wouldnt respond until hours later. Should I go back to no contact? What should I do?

    • Hey Nicole, the answer to why this did not work out if because you still too emotional about it and hence the crying etc put you back at square one.

      3 years is a long time though so you have a great chance to get your ex back but you must remain in NC until you recover and get over the RS or better put detach emotionally. The fact you two argue a lot is a sign you two cannot get back together until you both sort out your issues. NCs purpose is not to win the ex back solely but to get you to have time away from and distance yourself until you have 1) corrected the issues within yourself that may have pushed the ex away to begin with 2) become more stable emotionally 3) taken back the power in your relationship and with that comes your self respect to stay away from being hurt again.

      If she keeps changing her mind she is playing games and with game players you should not really hang around with them. So get yourself back into NC and stay there until you feel 100% better and 100% over the RS. Being over the RS is a ‘mind’ thing and to add it doesn’t destroy your chances of reconciliation later, it actually helps. The clearer your head the better your chances of having reconciliation in the future. Think of this like a race with yourself to get your head cleared only that it will take time and patience too as well your effort to keep busy with your life, if your mind is on how to her back or your thinking about her often then you must change this too since it only makes you more emotionally dependent on her and future outcomes.

      If she called you chubby for no reason then i would have at the time told her to grow up myself. To say such a thing is hurtful.. unless this is an inside joke which i doubt as you brought it up. Go back into NC and stay in it until you feel 100%, and if she tries to contact ignore it, if she contacts you over and over simply tell her “you want space from her” and she should understand and leave you alone. She should respect your space so that you can get on with things and start being fine again with being on your own (this is the task behind it all).

      I want you to get to a point where you are confident and couldn’t care less what she does, instead of the fear of losing her be confident that even if you get over her she will still want you further down the line. It sounds like you were being needy and weak when you went back to her and to top things off she may have been being somewhat cruel by ignoring you, but the ignoring may have been because of your neediness too.

      NC is not for you to keep going in and out of, you stick to NC once, if you keep doing it over and over it becomes a game of cat and mouse. You stay in NC for one main reason, to get over her emotionally. Not because it will lose her but because it will change your mindset and then it will be you who cares less about where things go and she is the one chasing you around everywhere. Get me?

      I wish you luck! :) And yes stick to NC until you are stable and your mindset is much better, it is full of fear and weakness right now, your too attached. NC in some cases may take a good 3-6 months for you to clear your headset. Good luck

  117. I had a question. I have. Een broken up from my ex for almost a month now. At first I sent flowers and told her I still loved her. I ran into her one day and expressed these feelings. It I got the same response that she needed to think. Our break up was presented to me as a break. At that point I did not contact her for ten days. Two days ago she sent me a long text. She said it was difficult seeing me and she felt terrible that she had hurt me. She told me that she felt we were not making each other happy. She told me I deserved to be with someone who would make me happy and that she hoped one day maybe we could be friends. The thing is she always did make me happy. I was just going through a rough spot in my life. I still want her back so badly to show her she did make me happy and that I could make her happy as well. I have not responded to this text she sent me. I want to truly show her how I feel but I don’t know what to do. I love her and I want her back so badly. What should I do?

    • Hey Will.

      A month is still early, you need to disappear and be a ghost, seriously. By this i mean you need to stay well away and distance yourself from her or anything to do with her including her mutual friends or her profiles etc. You need to begin the moving on process for her to come back.

      For me as an experienced as i am, breaks and breakups are the same thing, i learnt this in counselling relationships. So whenever someone has a break with you your best breaking up rather than accepting the break. Breaks and breakups happen for the same reason i.e she is looking for a replacement and has lost feelings for you. It is a transition period for her.

      You need to put NC to the test for a very long time, she is only texting you out selfish purposes and not to get back with you. In other words when you put NC in place you should ignore her texts/calls unless they are something to do with getting back together. Those “i miss you” texts don’t count as they are selfish based. Its about her and not about whether you can get back together.

      In woman language when she says “you deserve to be with someone happy” she means this: “you deserve someone who will put 100% effort in to the RS” and she isn’t.. while she is making you happy SHE herself knows that she is pulling her weight. The problem is not to do with you so much nor is it with her, it really takes two to tango however IF she is not feeling it for you she will stray. I mean if she no longer finds you attractive she will leave the RS, displaying negative traits such as neediness, clinginess or depressiveness can make a woman leave the RS with you. Its up to you to find out what made her leave as she herself will not tell you as women wont give you the full answer.

      My thinking is the rough spot in your life may have changed you into someone she did not like however if she is mature enough she should stick by her man as well, the question to put across to yourself was were you reasonable during the rough spot or did you ask for too much? Were you needy? Weak? Depressive? Boring? These are not aimed at you but some of the very things that make them leave.

      Also remember someone who loves you but leaves you simply because you are ill, sick or going through a period of hardship would not leave you, if she left you simply because you had some depression then she was too immature to look after you like she should have. You will need to work this out.

      What you should do is see out NC till the end, no breaking it until SHE herself texts you with real guilt and something along the lines of “can we talk, i want to get back with you”.. only until she says something like that can you take her seriously. Dont let her friendzone you! Also chasing her up with flowers etc will not work since you need to do the opposite of what you think you would normally do. She needs space and time away from you for those feelings to come back. Good luck.

  118. I burned said letter with a cigarette lighter. It was very…freeing. Thing is, she said that we were moving to fast once before and she just wanted to be friends, but later that same day, she was blowing my phone up saying she had made a mistake and that she was afraid of losing me and that she wanted to be with me. And now, it’s happened all over again. And when I told her that I didn’t understand how her feelings could just keep changing over and over, she said that she tried to make it work and her feelings just…changed. She said she was hurt, because we could have been good together had she not felt all that stuff (resentment and doubt and all that) and she was hurt because she hurt me.
    When I mean “call things off” I meant, calling our relationship as “intimate” off and just being friends. This is the first time we’ve ever gone complete no contact. I think I actually mixed up her and her ex’s relationship. I know they first started dating in 09 and they broke up sometime in late 2010 or early 2011. So they’ve been apart for 1 year instead of 2.
    lol yeah, exercise is strangely entertaining. There’s something about lifting weights that just makes me feel “zen” afterwards :)
    Thank you :) I try to treat people the way I would want to be treated: with patience and respect and kindness. I truly did care about her and I don’t believe she realizes how much, but that’s negative thinking again ain’t it? I tend to over-analyze things and the way I see it, I don’t know how to explain it, but I have a very strong vibe/feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that their relationship won’t last. She got back with her a month after our relationship ended. Mistake 1. She dove back in that relationship like nothing had ever changed between them. I mean that little thing with her xbox stuff: putting the day they met and her ex’s name in hearts. It’s funny because she took that down at one point and it stayed off for a little while because she logged off and all trace of Sarah was gone. I went back to the writing website that we met on because I still use it for my own stories and I re-added one of her stories to my favorites list, not to grab her attention, but simply because I enjoyed reading it and I wanted to be mature by not holding any ill will by keeping deleted. Now here’s the ticker: after I had re-added that story, all of Sarah’s stuff magically comes back on her xbox profile. She and I used to have matching gamertags, but I finally changed it last night after I got paid so that trace of her is gone at least. Another reason I don’t think it will last is because Sarah is the complete opposite me; according to my ex, we are nothing alike. That has rebound written all over it. I think she’s just confused and she doesn’t know what she wants and by going back to Sarah, she’s taking a test find the answers to that. I’m the type of person that does give second chances, because I would want the same. I do believe that some people change because actions speak louder than words and that’s where Sarah and I differ. Sarah TOLD her she cared about her. But, I SHOWED her. And to me, that goes a long way. But, It seems like no matter what I do or where I go, something always reminds me of her. Every name I come across is her name, some of the things I hear people say out and about in town are the very same things we used to say to each other as inside jokes. Every song on the radio is about breaking up and getting back together, and what’s even worse is that for 3 nights in a row, she’s been in my sleep. I am better and in no small part thanks to you :) I’m going to stick this out until the end because I don’t give up easily.

    To answer your question…hmmm. Well, before I came out as a lesbian, there were always a lot of rumors going around that I was one, long before I even told myself or anyone else for that matter. Because I dressed a certain way or styled my hair in a certain fashion (and it’s just long and straight, nothing fancy lol), people assumed that I was gay. My mannerisms were necessarily “masculine” but they were kind of “tomboyish” if that makes sense. The fact that she actually had the nerve to ask you really astounds me. Maybe to her, you came across as perhaps a little metro; whether it be the way you walk or talk or dress. A boy I once dated a while back was very feminine and everyone thought he was gay, but he was bisexual. And they pointed out every little detail in how he carried himself that he was constantly being asked about his sexuality. Are you interested in her? A lot of time with homosexuals; they’re pretty easy to spot because gay men tend to be a lot more feminine and lesbian women tend to be more masculine and they make that very apparent and obvious in their looks and the way they carry themselves, but other times, there are what we lesbians (I’m not sure what the term would be for men), as “femme invisibility” and that’s basically someone who is homosexual but basically looks and carries themselves as straight. I completely understand the “asexual” thing because for the longest time I believed myself to be that too. Maybe to her, you’re just hard to read. Women are very nosy creatures lol They want to know everything and when they think they have someone figured out but that someone pulls a 180 and blindsides them, that really just fuels them more into fascination, I think. You seem like a really cool, laid back, nice guy and if you just be yourself, you’ll have women barking down your door :) Sorry if that’s not much help. I’m taking psychology this semester so maybe I’ll get a little more info or advice I can pass along a later point lol

    • Women usually tend to hang on more to exes even when they know they arent good for them, they hope that some day if their current doesnt work out the ex will ‘change’ but usually the answer is with the person who dumped/got dumped to find the answers within themselves so that next time they know how to address the problems. For example your ex in this situation may not see she is doing anything wrong because she thinks she is perfect, some exes can be like that especially if they have big social groups too.

      It sounds like your ex never saw the best side to being with you over her ex, for me sometimes keeping the ex around is just an excuse to jump out of the RS whenever she wants, while its good and cool to have confidence that you are better than the exes you also have to wary that whoever you date isnt rebounding. She seems to be jumping back and forth and this shows a lack of immaturity in some areas, she hasnt considered your feelings or come to terms that her still having some feelings for that ex could actually cause mistrust in you because of her dangling exes around your RS, sometimes its naivety and sometimes selfishness.

      I usually run for the hills if i find out the ex still around LOL, i always have to be the prize *smiles* :D

      Yeah there is something ‘aura-ish’ about exericse! haha. Its good you treat others the way you wish to be treated, its a good quote that one. I will say that if she never came back to you after all the good times you had she was never worth it, that is one side of the coin of NC. Sometimes its as much about realizing your self worth than getting them back, i split up with an ex some years ago after she had gone back to a former lover (not an ex however) and when i found out she lied about hanging with him yet admitted it to me later the trust was broken and i could not see her the same way. I think she was angry i would not take her back after her doing the dirty on me, more importantly if she didnt want to come back its a good thing i got over it either way.

      ‘She got back with her a month after our relationship ended.’
      Yeah the above is definate red flag. I do know that some rebounds can work out, in all my time of relationship counselling i think this one is 50/50. A year between is not bad but then again as you say if she is still talking to that ex its a sign she cant let go of the person even a year later. After a year she should be focused on you entirely and not going back to past lovers. I know that people can change but if you see here closely, sometimes exes that dont work out what so ever really do need to be dropped, she is also giving you no reason to trust her 100% if you did get back together. Lets see what happens though, perhaps she will notice the last RS ended for a reason. Sometimes even then we dont know the full story of her last RS etc.

      You’ll get better too, your taking this well, there are many who cave in to breaking NC because of desperation every day that i deal with.. some tell me that if they need closure and use that as an excuse to break NC. Thing is the breakup is ‘closure’, it is only in NC that you can really find out the real reasons you ended, some even find out the choice of partner was actually the problem rather than keeping them attracted.

      Will make two seperate posts to save posting space lol.

    • ‘The fact that she actually had the nerve to ask you really astounds me.’
      At first i thought it was weird.. ive only ever been asked that question twice when i was 16 and 19 respectively. The girl who asked directly was not the same girl who originally wanted the question asked. The original girl or ‘blondie’ asked the ‘redhead’ to ask me if i was gay, blondie disaperared then came back later after getting her answer.

      Am just using the hair colours to avoid using names XD When the blondie came back she asked “are you fuming” and i replied no and she then asked something like “are you coming clubbing” and i replied “not tonight im sleepy”. I noticed the fuming part may be because she felt bad after putting me on the spot with the question whilst she tried to make it seem like i was mad at her, it never offended me or made me angry though because nothing offends me. I take everything as a positive thing regardless.

      What i did notice was a third girl, lets call her ‘brunetty’ and she was following blondie around the party pretty much the whole night. She was the only ONE girl who did not speak to me out of the girls at the party, i found that curious.

      After it i realized she might have asked if i was gay because i unconsciously blanked blondie many times that night, not purposely but when i look back when she was being loud and showing off i was quite unresponsive (showing unconscious disinterest) wihtout really knowing i was doing it (was drunk too).. even some time after that she spoke to me a few times. Even stranger was when the blonde kept walking around the house next morning with just her knickers/panties on O_O lol. Must be normal for her in an all girls roomate house lol.

      ‘Are you interested in her?’
      Logically nope, she is too loud and too up her own butt but i did however like her much more quiet ‘brunette friend’ that kept following her everywhere around the house and looking over her shoulder (not the two who were asking me if i was gay).

      Thanks it was a good to get your perspective on what you might think it was. Im guessing i appeared robotic and unresponsive, she seemed a little reactive and worried at some times like she had said something to me.

      Funny though, story for you: my friend who is now going out with girl for 8 months was called gay quite often when he was single, he is just as good looking as i am. I am almost certain all the women that liked him were having sour grapes because he would not date them and then calling him gay because he prefer to be single haha.

      ‘They want to know everything and when they think they have someone figured out but that someone pulls a 180 and blindsides them, that really just fuels them more into fascination’
      Yeah this is so true, this is what i learnt too.

      ‘I’m taking psychology this semester so maybe I’ll get a little more info or advice I can pass along a later point lol’
      Awesome, now you can be my psychology buddy lol. I hope you stick around here for a long time, i think you will really enjoy the subject.

      Question: have you checked out my main blog page?

      Talk later, Jay

      • See the funny thing is, I didn’t know that she was keeping her ex in her life and in all honesty, I don’t believe she was. I mean, she told me stories about her, but she always caught herself by saying something like “I’m making mistake #1 by talking to someone that I’m interested in about my ex.” I don’t think she had any contact with her until Sarah left her that message begging for her to come back and even then she replied that it was never going to happen. I could be totally wrong and it could all be a ploy to make me jealous and she may not be back with her. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter either way. My ex even said “I don’t want her to F*** things up between us.” *shrugs* I don’t know. It’s been a week and I haven’t had any contact with her whatsoever and while she’s with Sarah, I’m not treading in that water.

        “It sounds like your ex never saw the best side”

        I mean, I don’t know if she saw the best side, but she was always constantly telling me that I made her happy and that I was important to her. I’m such a sap because I made a little something for her on the computer and showed it to her and she broke down crying because no one had ever done anything for her like that before. And she told me she didn’t know how to take it; it was a welcoming thing, but it was new to her; being appreciated.

        “If she never came back to you”

        I just want her to be happy. I don’t hold any resentment towards her for anything. If she did come back and for some reason I just feel like she will, then before we do anything, we are going to have a serious conversation and from there, I’ll decide. Yep, I said “I’LL” :)

        “Perhaps she will notice the relationship ended for a reason”

        I trust her in the sense, that she knows what she wants and what she’s doing. I trust her to make her own decisions and not influence them by stepping in and telling her that Sarah isn’t good for her. She has to figure that out on her own and in time, I believe she will. We’re on completely different ends of the spectrum, Sarah and I.

        “Breaking NC because of desperation.”

        I will admit, I have been tempted, but in the end I know that it won’t do me any good and will just push me further away. Like you said, I have closure, I don’t need to go back and reopen old wounds. I don’t know, we’ll see what happens. :) I like to stay positive.

        • Sometimes an ex doesnt actually need to keep an ex in their life to still be interested in them.. in other words SHE could still be interested in Sarah even when she doesnt keep contact.

          It could be a red flag when she talks about the ex ‘often’ even in a bad way.. the reason is this: her logical memory ignores whats bad for her, she is simply remembering her by picturing her as ‘bad’ yet she will want to keep going back.

          Until she becomes more logical as a person she will never know the RS is not good for her. I had an ex when 17 and she used to talk bad of her ex when dating me, at the time that seemed good since it made me seem like i was good while the ex was bad but if you watch closely at her actions and body language she is ‘comparing’. She is talking bad of the ex often, that is not a good thing in the scheme of where she is emotionally whether she likes you or her more.

          The reason is because she is not erasing the logical memory she has of her, she is choosing to keep it. So while she may say “my ex is terrible” – if she keps repeating it she is only unconsciously trying to keep her on her mind. If she was trying to avoid speaking about her does not mean she wasnt still interested in her, feelings can actually lie underneath only that on the surface she is trying her best not to hurt you.

          Its hard to say what the real truth is but the fact she has gone back to Sarah is indeed a red flag, i say this from experience, she cannot even handle being single either. On the other hand you are keeping it together.

          ‘I mean, I don’t know if she saw the best side’
          By this i simply mean i wish it had lasted longer for her to see the real you, the rest of you. Sometimes 3 months feels like it is not enough to show how good a partner we are. The honeymoon period was over quickly and i wish it ould have lasted longer for you.

          ‘She has to figure that out on her own and in time, I believe she will.’
          Agreed, i have a blog post on this very thing, about letting others discover their own problems, mistakes and maturity process etc.

          ‘I don’t know, we’ll see what happens. :) I like to stay positive.’
          Sounds good, im with you. Good luck :)

      • “Blondie disappeared”

        Seems to me like Blondie is a gossiper. Well if she’s the one that wanted to know, she needs to grow a pair of boobs and ask you herself. That’s not only cowardly, that’s disrespectful.

        “It never offended me or made me angry”

        That’s really cool of you. Sexuality is a big deal to some people because it can be controversial if you make it that way, but you kind of just taking it with a grain of salt and letting it slide off your back shows a lot of maturity and I think that’s probably why she felt bad. Now if you had gotten angry and raged, she probably would have felt “bad” but not in the same sense as feeling guilty. Women like men with strong values and a strong head on their shoulders.

        “She was the only one who didn’t speak to me.”

        Brunetty, to me, sounds kind of like you in the sense that she’s more reserved and she’s more calm and collected while the other two girls are bouncing around acting wild and crazy. And just because a man doesn’t respond to that like most women would assume that they would, does not make him gay. They’re kind of coming off to me as “If I show off my breasts butt and I act wild, he’ll be attracted and if he’s not, then he might not be straight.” I mean, I’m attracted to women, and THAT is not attractive lol

        “Must be normal in an all girls roommate house”

        More so than you think xD Okay, so their roommates; this is another good reason why I think Brunetty is so quiet. See, girls flock together like nobody’s business. They go to the bathroom with each other, they walk the halls in school with each other, they follow each other nearly everywhere. It’s actually quite funny. The fact that Brunetty was the only one who didn’t ask you (and Redhead could have declined and not played Blondie’s games), says a lot about her character. Quieter people tend to think much more deeply and the fact that she isn’t trying to impress you, whereas Blondie is constantly showing off, shows me that she is much more mature and knows how to handle herself better. And I’ll tell ya, mature women are hard to come by haha

        “She seemed a little reactive and worried at some times.”

        Which girl are you referring to here?

        “I think you will really enjoy the subject”

        I think so too :) Psychology has always interested me because I’ve kind of always been a deep thinker. And dreams, fascinate me. I guess that’s another branch I’ll get to study soon.

        I believe I have checked it out, but I could be wrong. I’ve read other blogs of yours rather than this one. I think I read one on self-improvement and learning patience or something along the lines of that. If you have more, I’d love to check them out.

        • After reading that i noticed how you pointed out how me and the brunette are similar! That is probably why i like her.

          ‘Now if you had gotten angry and raged, she probably would have felt “bad” but not in the same sense as feeling guilty.’
          Here if i had gotten mad she would have liked the power she had over me, this is what i mean when talking about power, the less anger you have and more control you have over yourself the better you are.

          ”“She seemed a little reactive and worried at some times.””
          Which girl are you referring to here?

          Blondie, girls tease guys or neg them (harsher teasing) and i believe this is what she did here, i had no emotional reaction.. What was funny was how the next morning she was sure i went clubbing with her but had to explain i didnt, she was out of her head. Brunette was very quiet though, when blondie went to go to work brunette kind of took a shower and hid in the other room after that.

          ‘Psychology has always interested me because I’ve kind of always been a deep thinker. And dreams’
          Thats a good thing to have, im a deep thinker too and think that was the exact same reason i stuided it plus the part about understanding people better. I am good at analyzing why people do the things they do (weigh it all up etc), the more i know now the better i am off in life too i feel.

          But yeah please check out the other posts i have here, look at us all here talking about exes LOL. They should feel so special *Falls off chair*.

          There are many you access from the main page, the one above is just one good one that works in relationships or friendships you have with everyone. Worth a look :)

      • Hey Jay :)

        I took my first Psych class today and I absolutely loved it. I just wanted to take this time to say thank you for all that you’ve done and for all the advice that you’ve given me. It’s really helped and I think as the days go by, my mindset is finally beginning to change from emotional to logical. I do still miss her and think about her, but I don’t “need” her in my life to be happy anymore. I can do that on my own :) I’m kind of just leaving it up to God and fate and in the meantime, I’m just sitting back and relaxing while everything unfolds. I figured if she comes back, perhaps it’s meant to be, and if she doesn’t, she was never mine to begin with and that’s okay too.
        But I thank you both sincerely and genuinely for everything. I did read those blogs of yours and you, my friend, are great at giving advice. :)

        Also, I hope everything works out with you and I hope you find a nice girl that makes you happy :)

        Talk later, MJ

        • Thats awesome, im glad you enjoyed the first day. And you got a good attitude toward things right now. Thanks for the kind words, its been a pleasure as always haha :)

          Talk later, take care :) J

  119. I know. I almost asked my friend to slap me the other day because I know how crazy I’m sounding. Will def stick to NC. I actually did write a letter (not to send to her, heavens no), but to basically write out what I may have wanted to tell her and I do have to say that it has made me feel slightly better. Now as for the problems; they were pretty simple. Firstly she said that she “lost the spark and didn’t think she could feel it again.” She said that things with Sarah proved that. Her exact words “You’re kind, smart, gorgeous, everything a good girlfriend should be and yet I want none of it.” Her excuse at the time was that she preferred the single life. Now fast forward to a few weeks later and her other reason was because she held resentment towards me. Remember in my first post when I said that I called things off because I was a dumb ass and said the wrong thing? She held resentment towards me for that because she believed I let her go “casually” and it made her angry. Now, some of her other reasons are pretty basic. She said that I bossed her around and that I acted like a know-it-all, but she never told me about any of this or brought it to my attention until a few days before she called everything off. My naivety was also an issue for her but she actually apologized for holding both that and my age above my head about a week or so ago. Other than that, we clicked pretty well. We talked every day and fell asleep on skype together. She had her longest ever skype call with me. And now, about a month later, she is back with her ex. We are 2 hours apart, she and I. You want to talk about a long distance relationship? Sarah lives in England. Sarah actually wrote a letter to her about a month or two back and begged her to come back; said that she would be forever alone without her and there was no one else for her. My ex responded that she was over her and that Sarah should move on because they weren’t getting back together. She even told me numerous times how under-appreciated Sarah made her feel and how she never acted like she cared about her and that’s why my ex dumped her. She was referred to as “the evil ex” for awhile and they’ve been apart for 2 years now, having dated back in 09.
    I am taking your advice, believe me, oh powerful shoulder angel Jay lol :)
    I started exercising more and that’s cleared my head like you wouldn’t believe. And like I said, school starts back next week so even more distraction. I am starting to think more positively because I just don’t see their relationship lasting. There’s so many negative memories she has of Sarah and so many positive of me (not trying to sound vain or anything believe me), but I did appreciate her while we were “together” and I showed her that. Yep, guess now I just have to sit back and relax eh? :) And I will def read that article. Thanks for the advice as always, Jay. Keeps me sane and on the oh so pretty logical path :)

    • Writing a letter out and not sending it is actually a common practice of what we usually teach as it makes the person feel better but ‘not’ sending it is the key, as the metaphor goes ‘handing over your balls’. But yeah good job for not sending it, keep yourself sane throughout the whole process and you will be fine, you sound to be doing a great job :)

      Well if she prefers single life leave her to it, she herself said there was no spark, for me thats a sign to get out of there and not go back for a while at least. I can never take anyone seriously if they keep exes around as well, sometimes its just gotta be a clean slate kind of thing, if they bring the past with them it will cause more problems than less.

      What do you mean by call things off? Do you mean breaking up or beginning NC?

      Letting someone go is you right, if you have broken up and she left you then you owe her nothing, she should not complain what so ever. She seems to be a bit bullyish from what i have read, of course why is it she blames you for being naive, we all grow, we all get older, we all become more experienced with time.

      She is back with her right now!? 2 years apart is a good thing but how long were they together? I personally think many people hang onto people because of scarcity in the market, in other words because sometimes its hard to meet people we come from a scarcity paradigm and even hold onto the people who we know clearly wont work out.

      Exercise and school, thats good to hear, within a month of doing exericse you will probably notice you feel so much better, more confident etc. You will probably attract more people lol. Everytime i exercise i get more and more people approach me, it is almost like they can smell me haha! Exercise is great though because it releases endorphins and while you feel better other people sub consciously notice you are energetic or as i call it ‘gleaming’ with energy lol. Its all good!

      Great that you are thinking positive too, from what i have read you seem a cool person and not at all aggressive, easy going and mature imo. I say this because im used to dealing with the opposite during breakups lol. The thing with her ex is she has history with her, thats the only bad thing but from what i know some people just dont know when to call it quits.. sometimes they change but what them two probably will never understand is that if they wanted to get back together they both need to change, not just one of them.

      Thats why if you get yourself back (or change for the better, aka better mindset) then if she comes back she better have done some changes too otherwise you will have the self worth to say “NO your behaving badly” and walk away i.e walking power! If shes still bitter your answer is right there and she is just being petty and childish. This time away should and could cool the hostility on her side though! I hope lol.

      Your very welcome, happy to help as always, keep strong! Talk later :)

      PS: any idea why a woman would ask if i was gay/bisexual at a house party? I am actually taking it as a good sign that the ‘one’ who asked or her friend thinks im not interested in her because i never really show outwardly interest all that much. I do come off like an asexual sometimes so perhaps they try suss me out lol.

  120. Hey Jay! Just finished reading your blog-post about getting back with your ex and I think I’m in need of some help. Me and my girlfriend split about one week ago, she was the one making the moves. We have been together about 18 months and lived together for almost a year, all the time confessing our love to each other and telling each other how we were meant to be, that we would get married and already talked about kids and just a few weeks ago we started so save up for a house loan.

    Then like from out of the blue she said one night “I dont think i’m in love with you anymore, you make me happy and makes me feel safe but the passions just not there”. Now, she is a really impulsive kind of girl, she can think of an idea and in a heartbeat she thinks it’s great but then when she tried it or whatever she just let’s it go.

    Anyway, I started the NC phase about 4 days ago, writing her a text saying “Sorry for my behavior the last days, I’ve been thinking about it and it seems it’s the right thing to do, I’m letting you go now and moving on.” Didn’t get a response on that except some text later that night about she needing the car for a couple of days.

    Now, we’re pretty much forced to have contact this coming month since we lived together, and has a car together and alot of practical stuff like that, so no I need to ask, how should I behave in these “forced contacts” situations? She texted me yesterday saying the landlord would come by today and check out the apartment, and that she was going to be there during the morning, and asked me to clean up the worst things so it would look OK, I waited a couple of hours to respond, wrote a short “Yes :)” and immediately got a “Thanks :)” back. What’s up with that?

    I have one more thing that’s really pissed me of actually, I removed her from facebook, but yesterday my friend showed me that she changed her profile picture, it’s from our vacation we went on mid-June and it’s a kind of full frontal picture of her in the water, in just a bikini looking straight into the camera. First of all, I dont know why she choose that exact picture, it’s insensitive since its from OUR vacation, and it’s pretty revealing aswell. Did she do it just to make me jealous (doubt it) or because she wants alot of attention from other guys?

    How do you think I should act if we are forced to talk or even meet during this NC-time? Is it even possible to reconcile after a NC, if we in fact still talks to each other sometimes? What’s my next move? Would appreciate ALL the help I could get! And sorry for the language, I’m not from America..

    • Hey Karl, your engish is good lol! I am from UK, nice to meet you bro.

      To me it sounds like it maybe went a little fast for her depending on your ages, this is not necessarily anyones fault but if she is young then its likely she will have these moments. Then again my first thinking is that you could of been doing something that could have made her leave? Any ideas?

      “I dont think i’m in love with you anymore, you make me happy and makes me feel safe but the passions just not there”.
      Women think in the ‘moment’, her feelings for you wont disapear but my thoughts here is that either you two were going fast or there is someone else and she is considering that option.

      If in the case of the last one NC will help you avoid that so that your not her option and she is not your priority either. Use NC wisely and get your mindset back, do things that will help you keep productive such as going out with friends and socializing :)

      Impulsive!? sounds like one of my exes, haha D:

      “Sorry for my behavior the last days, I’ve been thinking about it and it seems it’s the right thing to do, I’m letting you go now and moving on.”
      Its good you have started NC 4 days, the trouble i have with the above text is that you are too apologetic for the end of the breakup. Do not apologize for the end of the breakup unless you really really did something ‘terrible’. Us guys tend to think apologizing might help the situation but it rarely does in this type of way. Also never expect replies from exes, once the breakup happens she will not respond.

      But yes the above actually did not even need to be said, the ‘letting go part’ is cool however. Is the car yours and hers to share? Did you each pay halves etc?

      ‘how should I behave in these “forced contacts” situations?’

      Well since you will need to have these limited contact situations i would simply act like a work colleague, if you see her do not say anything more than hi or how are you. Be kind but also be to the point and vamoose when you need to. In other words you cannot be friendly but not ‘friends’. And by friendly i mean like simply dropping something off, once it is dropped off thats it, do not prolong the convo or ask what shes been up to etc. If its abotu the car its about the car but not about chatting. Any small talk get rid of it and walk basically lol.

      You guys need to sort this car business out because you cannot share this car forever, you will need to sell it at some point or one will have to take it permanently while the other gets money. You are broken up, it is crying out for plenty of mistakes down the road if you keep this ‘connection’.

      ‘I waited a couple of hours to respond, wrote a short “Yes :) ” and immediately got a “Thanks :) ” back. What’s up with that?’

      The above was handled good, you replied a short yes and she replied thanks. I think everything here was done perfectly. Short replies are always good.. but in NC as always you only reply to ‘important things’. So if she texts you saying “i miss you” or “hi” then you dont respond to these types of texts i.e they are pointless to reply to.

      Whats up with the reply? Absolutely nothing, she is simply saying thanks. You were not expecting her to continute talking were you? Remember now you are broke up there is no small talk. You get the business done then move back to your daily life.

      ‘I have one more thing that’s really pissed me of actually, I removed her from facebook, but yesterday my friend showed me that she changed her profile picture, it’s from our vacation we went’

      Dont worry, dont analyze what it means, let me do the analyzing for you. It means nothing in the grand scheme of things to be honest.. You should not be spying on her profile. Dont use facebook or even look at her profile. I understand it would bother you but dont, for all we know she is trying to make you jealous, you sit back and take it easy mate. IF you do your NC the correct way she’ll be back.

      ‘Did she do it just to make me jealous (doubt it) or because she wants alot of attention from other guys?’

      Bingo.. remember women are emotionally intelligent in such they know which of your buttons to push and they know how to. I can understand now why you think its insensitive because indeed it sounds a bit too much and a bit impulsive of her, whether it angers you or upsets you dont let it bother you (i know it sounds easier said than done). But the less you care about what she does the better position you will be in.

      Remember she is single now so she is free to do whatever but yes she is likely making you jealous so you turn into a soft puppy, that is exactly why NC is there, so you dont! Keep strong, she will try to turn you to mush but you know you can just simply ignore the games and improve yourself during NC.

      ‘How do you think I should act if we are forced to talk or even meet during this NC-time?’

      Forced? In NC you cannot be forced unless you mean the car? If the car then you need to get rid of the car, any excuses to keep something inbetween the two of you means you are not doing NC properly. For now you will have to wing it the best you can, but later your gonna have to get rid of anything that bonds you together mate, the sonner you do it the better.

      ‘Is it even possible to reconcile after a NC’

      YES but i will tell you this, NC is not specifically used to get an ex back (and not quickly either) but its used also to get yourself back as well (you cant get the ex back and untill changes are made), that means regain your confidence and become less attatched emotionally. See how when she had her tar tars out it bothered you? If this had been before you met her would it have bothered you as much? Definate no. This is why you need to use NC to detatch from her emotionally, less thinking of her = less feeling of her and that is done with the effort over time. You will get there.

      It can take a long time but it also requires you to get busy and take your mind off it all.

      ‘if we in fact still talks to each other sometimes? What’s my next move?’

      You should NOT even be speaking, you need to respect eachothers space once the breakup occurs, no friendship! Your next move is to get further and further away from her. This is not a game of chess, this is you accepting the breakup and doing a runner for your own good.

      The reason this works is push pull theory. The more you chase the more she runs that is why you need to do strict NC and talk no longer. Sort the car out first though. Good luck :)

      • Hey,

        Thanks for the quick respond! Well I guess, maybe it was to soon. I’m 25 and she’s 23, or will be this fall. So we met when i was 23 (going on 24) and she was 21 (going on 22). But her family has got a history of meeting their loved ones real early, her parents got together when they were 19 and still married and really happy together, the same with her grandparents, so I dont know if that’s something she thought about and wanted for herself.

        I dont think I did something wrong, we both talked alot about not going into a “rut” and do the same things, and we have tried alot this summer to do things and not just sit at home, I took this up when she left me and she agreed and said that wasnt an issue. However.. We have had some problems with jealousy, she’s always been a flirtacious kind of girl and in the beginning we had some difficulties, like one night she was out with her friends and met her ex-bf who had been really bad to her, but she still stood there and talked (just talked) to him för like 45 mins, and then lied about it to me, so that’s were we had our first fight, and now she said that she feels like she cant go out anymore and that she feels sort of suffocated by it, even though since then I’ve changed alot and told her to go out more if that’s what she wants.

        Maybe she just needs some time alone and see for herself what’s out there, she also never lived by herself but moved directly from her parents in with me. Dont know if she thought the living together part would be all butterflies and candy all the time but it’s not, not for anyone. You do get back in to reality after a while with routines and stuff like that, and maybe she didnt thought it would be like this.

        About the car, yeah, we paid for it the both of us so it’s equally mine, equally hers. I know we have to sort that out, probably end up selling it.

        Had a really bad morning where I just that I had to, HAD TO, call her and tell her how much I miss and love her. But fortunately I didn’t. Dont want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that I still want her back.

        On other thought I had, do you think it’s possible that when she broke up and took the leap, for the first few days she felt kind of relieved and good about it, but that it could/can/will turn for her, and that she will start thinking about me and what we had? I know that we did have a good relationship, could talk about everything and laugh about our own internal jokes, we really were eachothers best friends and like the center of life in some cheesy way. I just wanna get back to that :( If you have any more thoughts please keep posting, it always helps reading what someone else is thinking and picking up advice.

        Cheers mate!

        • ‘I dont think I did something wrong, However.. We have had some problems with jealousy, she’s always been a flirtacious kind of girl and in the beginning we had some difficulties’

          Read the above, this was the problem, who was the one with jealousy problems and was she purposely flirting with others? My take is that jealosy should not come into the RS otherwise it gives the other person power over the other. On another note flirting is fine when it is unconscious but if your partner is consciously puting effort into flirting its not a good sign.

          ‘like one night she was out with her friends and met her ex-bf who had been really bad to her, but she still stood there and talked (just talked) to him för like 45 mins, and then lied about it to me’

          In other words she broke your trust, why do you want to be with someone who purposely broke your trust by lying to you? Another thing: remind me, how long was your girl with you and how long ago was she with her ex? ALSO do you get jealous of the ex bf?

          ‘so that’s were we had our first fight, and now she said that she feels like she cant go out anymore and that she feels sort of suffocated by it’

          Here is what i am getitng from this: you may be very jealous and she may be very mistrusting, in other words she says she feels like she cant go out, why does she feel like this? Is she basing her not going out on your jealousy or is she making excuses as a way to see him?

          Lets put it this way, she lied.. she did one thing wrong. So if she does come back she had better never lie to you again, it only gives you a reason to not trust her like she is hiding something.

          ‘About the car, yeah, we paid for it the both of us so it’s equally mine, equally hers. I know we have to sort that out, probably end up selling it.’

          Ok good, your on top of things with this part :)

          ‘Dont want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that I still want her back.’

          For now dont, use this time to work on yourself, improve, read and work out maybe. Get your confidence flowing again, breakups are tough no doubt. You will notice right now your a bit emotional but with NC you will become more logical, in other words from wanting to get her back to you thinking “well if she wants me back she can come to me”, see the difference? One displays fear of loss and one shows confidence of success.

          ‘do you think it’s possible that when she broke up and took the leap, for the first few days she felt kind of relieved and good about it’

          The answer to this is yes to everything, she will feel relieved but also guilty, sad and happy.
          Breakups are tough for both people even if she broke up with you however if you are the one who cares more than that makes you one who needs to do more work, you didnt say who broke up with who (of what i can remember) so whoever cares most is the one who needs to care least.

          Regardless she will feel the pain of it eventually, you cant just switch feelings off like a light switch, women are good bluffers but she is feeling mixed at the moment, she stil cares about you but not enough to fix the issues you two had, this is why you must both do it apart on your own. That way if you and when you get back the things that were problematic to begin with are sorted.

          ‘I know that we did have a good relationship’

          Good, use this as confidence to know your value mate. You know it was a good relationship so you know she will be back.

          If you could answer those questions i addressed i will help the best i can, keep up to date with my other blog as i will add new blogs everynow and then. I have decided to do it because i get quite a few messages and at some point will be hard to keep up with everyone lol.

          Talk later man, good luck :)

      • Hey Jay! Just need to get some things out of my system, and update you a little bit. So this morning i got up, went to the bathroom, just finished and washing my hands and I heard “hey”, looked up and there was my ex, in my hallway! I was totally blown off, started like shaking and stuff, but then just told myself “relax, relax, play cool”. I asked her what she was doing here and she said “I just came by to see if i’ve gotten any letters”, totally not why she came by, she could just had sent me a text and asked right?

        So I started to walk around in the apartment, cleaning a little bit and try to look occupied, she stood in the kitchen and I went in and asked “so how is everything, are you feeling ok with everything?” she didnt respond, but starts to cry instead and leaves for the door. I didnt say or do anything, just waited for her to leave but she didnt, instead she just stood there waiting for something. So I went out there again, asked “whats the matter, it feels you’ve got something to say” and then she starts talking…

        She starts by saying things like “I’ve been so confused the last couple of days, I’ve been thinking really much, about you and me and about us…it feels so weird, like, if we would’ve meet in the city or anything would you even say hi to me?” I responded “sure i would, ofcourse we can say hi, but you decided to leave our life, and i need to move on”. She then starts to talk about how creepy guys are, that when she changed her status on facebook alot of guys started to talk to her and asked if they would met but she said she responded with “i just broke up with my boyfriend, i dont wanna see anyone this early blabla” and i said “well yeah, what did you expect, single life isnt that much fun”

        She then started to ask me if i’ve been seing someone, if i’ve talked to my ex again and stuff like that and i said “no, but if i would have, that wouldnt be wrong” then she got pretty upset and was “what? so fast? it was like a week ago we broke up and you said you still love me” to wich I responded “yeah but like i said, you broke up with me, and im single, if I move on and meet anyoneelse you cant say anything about that”

        Then we started talking about some practical stuff, like that we need to sell the car, that she got a new apartment, that her parents were away and i said “that’s great, then you have the house all to yourself and can throw a party and bring home some guys ;)” and she said “noway, i dont want that”.

        It felt as if I had the upper hand the whole conversation, and that she had somehtings she did want to say but didnt.. Eventually she left, right about when she was about to leave I said, “can i get a hug atleast :)?” and we hugged and she started to cry again. I said “come on, this is what you wanted, right?” but she just shrug her shoulders, didnt answer and got in the elevator…

        I have no idea what this really means. It could be just that she wanted to see if I was home alone, crying my ass off, or really were moving on. Or she’s been alone for a week and just needed some confirmation? Or maybe she’s starting to regret her decision? Dont really know, i’m really confused. Should I continue with the NC and approach her again in a couple of weeks which was my first plan? Could really use your advice!

        Cheers

        • Hey Karl, bit delayed but got around to it eventually!

          Yes that was a bit OFF for her to come around unexpectedly, if she does not live with you she should give you some notice, i mean could you imagine if she popped around and you had people over etc? But nevermind.. if she does it again let her know that. As for now dont make a big deal of it just to keep things calm and easy going. She should have texted you first though before coming around.

          ‘So I went out there again, asked “whats the matter, it feels you’ve got something to say” and then she starts talking…’

          Do not push her into relationship repair talks like above, the above is like mild manipulation, avoid that. Let her come to you when she is ready, this is how women work. If you push her or hint her to do something she doesnt want usually she will run the other way. I am just letting you know for future occasions.

          “sure i would, ofcourse we can say hi, but you decided to leave our life, and i need to move on”.

          The above was good.

          “well yeah, what did you expect, single life isnt that much fun”

          Do not say the above.. above your trying to indirectly convince her to come back to you and it doesnt work. Its like telling a woman why being with is you so much better etc, see it from her point of view too remember.

          “yeah but like i said, you broke up with me, and im single, if I move on and meet anyoneelse you cant say anything about that”

          Above was fine too, good stuff bro.

          Its obvious she still has feelings but your focus needs to be on soemthing other than her mate, she will come back if you give her chance but if you put any ideas into her head that she should or that her decision is a bad one she will take it with a grain of salt. My advice go do something fun, hobbies and gym etc. Then at some point if she wants to come back she will. Your in a very strong position so make sure you keep to NC when you should but obviously once she has moved out fully and sorted the car then it should be FULL NC. From what i can see though she somewhat regrets leaving you.

          ‘I said, “can i get a hug atleast :) ?” and we hugged and she started to cry again. I said “come on, this is what you wanted, right?”’

          Again do not manipulate her way of thinking, the above is fine in a way but it sounds coinceding like your putting her down for her decision to leave you. And no hugs! that is friendzone stuff, your not her boyfriend anymore, no bf benefits for exes!

          ‘but she just shrug her shoulders, didnt answer and got in the elevator…’

          Like i said if you try convincing her to come back, it just doesnt work. For me once you have said “this is what you wanted” once do not say it again..

          ‘It could be just that she wanted to see if I was home alone, crying my ass off, or really were moving on.’

          Its a bit oif everything, she is regretting breaking up with you, she is checking up on you to see if you have moved on. In other words she is seeking you for validation but you should not give her any at all. Once she has left you then you owe her nothing. However from what i have read there is good chance she will be back at some point, she is obv torn over deciding, just dont play games or try to make her choose you. LET her choose you when she is ready.

          Use NC but do not approach her, only reply to her if its about the car or house going through. the quicker everything gets sorted about her mail and the car the better imo. You have a better chance than most people but dont let this be on your mind, make somehting else more important and she is likely to come back when she sees your not pinning over her.

          Good luck, talk later mate :)

  121. I think I’ve just been rebounded :( We used to be friends on Xbox and I looked at her profile (bad move I know) and see this: <3 Sarah <3 Sarah was the name of her ex and I honest to god, hope it's not the same one because a few months ago Sarah contacted her and received a letter back from her that said there'd be no way in Hell they would ever get back together for how she treated her. Knowing her though, I wouldn't be surprised. Jesus Christ, that stings. My own fault for being curious though. Ha, now I know she's gone for good. So what do you think? Go ahead and call her, or stick to NC?

    • Don’t jump to conclusions. I will have a look tomorrow at your other post (the longer one).

      This is pretty transparent to me, she is making you jealous with the other girl, whether or not you were a rebound calling would be pointless anyway.. and calling now would be based on the fear your losing her.. Anyway putting up her exes name etc is not really good behaviour so why do you want to treat her to a cup of coffee and phone call? No disrespect or throwing you the bin deserves a chat. And also there is no way to know she has moved on, moving on isnt a week thing thats for sure.

      Hold your power, you are getting your power back day by day.. do not give into any games she plays, stop using msn/facebook and all that for now, its just something that will click you into breaking NC. I can understand the sarah thing may hurt but thats exactly what shes doing, prob trying to hurt you purposely and if she aint then she doesnt care if you see it and it hurts you.

      Lets be honest too if you were the rebound then you only know her true colours, she can act all she wants like she doesnt want the ex back but maybe now oyu know the true picture. And you dont know shes gone for good, you think you do but you dont know it.. and no pgone call, stick to NC + you already have closure. More of the same closure wont bring a better RS.. and while she has sarah up in her name she is not gonna work on this RS with maturity. Good luck and talk later :)

  122. I’m starting to care less and less about the RS, but it’s more of a baby step process. I know I should be angry with her for how she’s talked to me, and believe me, I’ve tried to be. I just can’t. I don’t fall for people easily, but I fell hard for her. We just connected so profoundly that it scared me how much we had in common. It wasn’t until she called things off that she started acting like this towards me. You’re right, it wasn’t a serious relationship. We had plans to meet on many occasions, but one of us always had something to come up. She has school nearly everyday and her schedule times weren’t that great because she got out at around 5pm. Now that I think about it though, maybe she was stringing me along. She had a LDR with a girl in England and they stayed together for 2 years. Of course, said girl, didn’t appreciate her and treated her rather badly, but they always saw each other in person. In truth, I know I’ve already lost her. I know that deep down. It’s been a week and nothing has been said between us, so unless she’s doing some serious thinking, she’s already moved on. I mean, I know it takes more than a week to get over someone and all, but we’ve been “split up” for about a month now.
    Believe me, I’ve made a ton of pro and con lists.
    I’ve debated whether to go ahead and have this call for closure, but in the end, I think sticking to NC is the better way to go. It’s just that when I finally do get my mindset straightened out, it will be farther along down the road and there won’t be any point in even having closure. I don’t think she’s coming back. That’s kind of why I want to go ahead and have this phone call, but at the same time I don’t because I’m at risk of ripping my healing stitches out and starting from scratch again and that is one thing I will not do. Most of all, I’m just tired of being confused by this. Thanks again for the advice Jay, it’s always much appreciated. :)

    • Your mind will only thinking of the positives right now, you want to look for things that make the relationship unique or perfect or just simply ‘great’. This is emotional thinking for you, it will try to convince you why contacting is a good thing, it wont do anything but put you back at square 1 indeed.

      It wasn’t until she called things off that she started acting like this towards me.
      The above is more reason to do NC. When someone breaks up with you (they initiate) they are the one with the power at the time but also the one with the clue that they should ask you back out (if they want you back). But i want you to turn your head around on this and really start being Stern with how people treat you, even if she has not treated you that badly i want the space your standing/sitting on right now to be yours and anyone who breaks your personal boundaries no where near you.

      I mean instead of fearing the loss know it was needed for the two of you to change, if she doesnt change then that is free will and not really NC. NC is more for you to change, improve and get yourself back so that when you do taking her back is your decision and not hers.

      Heres what i mean: your thinking at first “how do i get her back, how do i win her back” but transform this to “how is she going to win me back?” or “how will she get me back, im a catch”.. this is not about being big headed but seeing your own value and having boundaries so she cannot walk back whenever she wants, when someone breaks up with you its a sign they wanted to whether they had reason or not. That is why it really takes two to tango and two to improve themselves so that the RS is not a scrappy affair in the future.

      That improvement cant come without time away, your subconscious cant process properly when your around her so NC will do its best for you, as you already said ‘I am starting to care less and less’ and this is a good thing. I have to go through why moving on is not a bad thing because all your mind is really doing is becoming logical rather tham emotional. By the time your more logical you want the ex less but this is the way you get the RS back.

      ‘she’s already moved on.’
      Do not think or guess, you dont know if she has. No one moves on in a week let alone a month. It takes longer than you think trust me. She still has feelings for you but she has backed off because she knows arguing and throwing fits wont help.

      Here is two things to consider however:
      1) you could be a rebound
      2) you are but you could still work out

      I am not here to give the answer to the above because no one knows it. Usually if you are the rebound there is less chance of it working out, i see to see most people who come here are actually coming from rebound relationships, its a disaster.

      ‘I’ve debated whether to go ahead and have this call for closure, but in the end, I think sticking to NC is the better way to go.’
      It is until you can tell me “i could not care if she rejected me”.. if however you went to talk to her and reacted badly or upset to her reaction that means you still care. Whereas if someone has the right mindset getting rejection doesnt bother them from the ex.

      In this scenario she has broken up with you though, any idea specifically why she did? I do wonder who is more at fault. Then i can tell you specifically what to work on etc.

      ‘when I finally do get my mindset straightened out, it will be farther along down the road and there won’t be any point in even having closure.’
      This is exactly the point your not seeing, you want to get to a point of not needing ‘no closure’ because you already had when she left you! Closure has already happened. It is up to you to get your confidence and mindset back, the closure part does not matter because its likely she wont even tell you the full truth. And if you do get the closure you will seem like you want the RS more, get me? She needs to want it more, because the one needs it least is in control of the RS.

      ‘don’t think she’s coming back.’
      Dont make me shake you to death lol. You get nothing from making the phone call but handing her more power after SHE dumped you. And i hate the word ‘dump’, terrible word.

      ‘but at the same time I don’t because I’m at risk of ripping my healing stitches out and starting from scratch again’
      Exactly, listen to your logical side, And the angel on your shoulder called Jay. The devil or ego on the other shoulder wants you to lash out or find answers to make you feel better but it will do nothing. Keep the power you have been gathering :)

      Good luck

      PS: do tell me what you think the main problems were in the RS and i should be able to guide you in what to do. Cheers!

  123. Hey Jay,

    well it’s been about 2 or 3 days since she last texted me for that phone call closure. when she said “We never had that call for closure” I simply replied “Nope” and left it at that. I didn’t think she’d text me back, but this morning she asked me “Do you want to?” I haven’t responded yet, because I’m doing like you said and taking a bit of time to reply. Maybe a few hours; possibly a few days or so. I know what I’m going to say regardless. I can’t talk to her now because all my emotion is still there and as much as I want to hear her voice; I’m refraining because I know that it’s best for both of us. It just surprises me that she actually wants to talk because as of lately we haven’t talked in weeks whereas we used to talk on the phone literally everyday. I’ll keep it short and simple in my response “I can’t right now, maybe later.” Or “Now’s not a good time.” I guess what I’m afraid of is that yes, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” but there’s always the reverse of that “Out of sight, out of mind.” Honestly, I think this closure business is more for her benefit. I have my closure; and though it didn’t end very well, it was enough for me to be satisfied without wanting to bring up the past. We talked about our issues through text messages even though I asked her the first time if we could do it over the phone. And now, a week or so after everything has been said and done, she WANTS to talk it out over the phone when there’s nothing left to discuss! I feel like I’d be saying goodbye to her twice and the first time was hard enough. I’ve been getting out more with my friends and they’re trying really hard to keep my mind off her. I still miss her, but I guess things have to get worse before they get better eh?

    • Hey MJ, welcome back.

      The main thing is to get your power back, taking someone back now will just mean the same problems and easy forgiving without really addressing the real problems. NC is not just a pull her in kind of thing, its a long period of time away to sort your head out so that while she is coming back you are learning to live without her, emotional attatchment gives hope but you need to rid the emotional attatchment before you speak again anyway, 80% of relationships get too emotionally attatched or even dependant and they miss the important things such as fights and arguing. going back now just wont help that go away.
      A month or 3 months at the minimum may do that since your relationship was short term.

      IF she is dating someone else already you should not even be talking, ‘having your cake and eating springs’ to mind if she is doing that to you. If she wants that talk she should not be dating anyone else anyway and your mindset is not really ready to deal with her in a way that you get it back on track.

      I would respond “nope, ive decided i want space” and then carry on with NC. But after that there is no replying as she should be able to learn that chasing you and going against your wishes doesnt get her anywhere. You are worth more than someone who will dictate how things go and then purposely go against what is right, i personally think she is a bit of a manipulator so its probably best asking yourself if you 1) were the pushover in the relationship 2) OR she is simply not the kind of partner for long term relationships because of her behaviour. The word ‘responsibility’ comes ot mind, if she cant take responsibility for things she does (including you) then your RS will not last very long.

      Talking now only means you are a giving her a pat on the back for leaving you etc this is why you should get to NC seriously after sending off that text, get your mindset back first. Out of sight out of mind cannot beat the theory of push/pull nor letting it go to come back, you become more attainable the more you get away, this is how attraction works (esp for female psychology). Let her feel the loss, let her feel the consquences of her actions and her breaking up with you etc.

      You will get closure with NC, if she wants you enough she will keep chasing. But even then she needs to stop chasing as this then shows she is accepting of your wishes for you to leave you alone, that is when you will be able to take a more neutral approach in the future.

      The problem with relationships is that the problems that caused the breakup cannot be fixed by simply getting back together especially if you had fights/arguements etc, getting back now would actually make it worse, you have to do your own kind of therapy in NC, in other words you need to be away from her to change into a better person as she does too. From what i have read you are both very reactive and she seems a tad controlling. Unless that changes in the time apart then it will be more of the same as before, and the time away is the best therapy.

      when there’s nothing left to discuss!
      Exactly, there is nothing left to discuss, your right. This is why putting NC into place now is important and sticking to it, even if she keeps chasing you demand space and thats that, no niceties either, just a simple short text and you have done the job.

      The second goodbye must be the ‘last’ because if you keep talking she will not take you seriously, you must stick to NC to regain yourself, lets be logical about this too; the relationship wasnt fantastic with all the scrapping, even if you love someone you must let them go for them to come back, only you must use this time for yourself, what you have got planned for the future, do those things and make them your centre rather than her.

      ‘I’ve been getting out more with my friends and they’re trying really hard to keep my mind off her.’
      The above sounds great, good job. its still early days so it will take some time but your doing well, find some hobbies too just dont look over your shoulders, keep your head forward, never backwards and you will find you really do have more power than you think. I want you to take your power back :)

      Here is a saying for you:
      The one who cares least controls the relationship.

      ^ it means the one who has less interest in making it work is the one who drives the relationship and the one who becomes more attractive (push pull theory again), even though it should always be balanced you should reclaim this power so that she can no longer treat you badly or in a controlling manner.

      And yep things may feel like they are getting worse but this is for you so in a way its getitng better, you take your power back by being scarce. You have been through a lot of pain and hurt already, now its time to withdraw and recover :) In other words NC is for recovering and getting a clearer logical mind, its not solely used to get an ex back, thats just a ‘litte’ part of it. Good luck.

      • Thanks for the advice, I’ll definitely take heed of that :) As far as I know she’s not actually dating anyone. The girl she “might” move in with is already in a seven year relationship. When we were “together” we did argue a little bit, but we always got over it in less than an hour and we were good to go again. I’m done chasing her and I’m not going to sit around and wait for her to come back. You’re right, I was emotionally attached. I apologized for everything and looking back on that now, I see how pathetic I truly was. School is starting back in two weeks so that’ll get my mind off of her even more :) Thanks again, Jay. For everything.

      • sorry for the double post but I wanted to get your opinion this real quick. I responded what you told me to and she replies “Um. Thing is. You told me you didn’t want anything at all. Hence phone call for closure. Closure=goodbye.” I don’t even know what to make of this. . . I’ll say it again: I will never understand women lol What I have noticed though is that she’s a lot quicker in her responses now. She used to be pretty delayed. So should I just not reply and stick with NC? Or, maybe say something else but keep it blunt? I honestly don’t even know where she’s getting this.

        • Its the power of loss, when someone feels you slipping away their attraction for you somewhat kicks in, push pull theory :)

          Just stick with your guns, if you sent my message after those other messages then it could be that. As saying “give me space” is more a thing you do when you want time to yourself, so if before this you were chatting about never wanting to talk again etc then you shouldnt have.

          In RSs always avoid pettiness, the best way to do it is simply not to argue or react back so easily. The one wins an arguement is the one who gives up the arguement first, and acts okay with it. Its not a case of backing down or being a pushover its just accepting the other persons opinion regardless if its wrong or not the same as yours. In other words caring less about what she wants to be bratty or argue about will only show you to be confident and more secure. A good thing.

          I could write women out in a book but i will save that for the future haha but they are tough cookie to figure out, its true. The fact she is not delaying texts now is a sign she is panicking at losing you, look at from her point of view, why would someone suddenly change their tone to chasing you? They care, and they fear losing you.

          Stick to NC, replying over and over is just more and more games. IF you feel she is making things up then ignore it, dont reward bad behaviour or for that matter dont reply to nonsense :)

          And you are always very welcome MJ, happy to help :)

      • Alright, so I kept to your advice and kept my replies short and simple and you my friend know women like the back of your hand because she would not stop texting me. Because I didn’t want to talk on the phone, I’m an immature child and can’t handle closure like an adult. So she said “good luck with life” after all that. My response: “I have my reasons, but alright, good luck with you too.” Her response “I guess you’re pretty damn naive after all.” My response “I guess so.” Again, she says “goodbye” and I simply reply “Bye :)” and even then she responds “All I wanted was for us to treat this like adults should. Not cowardly discuss it through text. F***, for what it was worth, I was going to apologize and explain my reasons. Guess you can’t handle it.” Honestly, my head is so messed up right now lol I’m probably not even going to bother responding to this. My reasons are simple: It hurts me and I don’t want to say goodbye to her again. But will I tell her that? Hell no. I’m doing like you said and getting my power back. I don’t know what she wants from me! I wanted to have this same conversation weeks ago!

        • Attraction is actually not too different with men and women, so if you did the same your doing here to men it would also work :)

          Cool, keep to NC. Use it wisely, as you said the going to school is a good ambitious thing to do, good to get your mind of it etc.

          She sounds like she has an ego on her, notice in every message she labels you as something i.e naive. She has those issues and cant let it go that you are not interested in talking, thats a good thing.

          “for or what it was worth, I was going to apologize and explain my reasons. Guess you can’t handle it.”

          ^READ the above, see how petty she is? Do not respond to that. Why did she not simply say sorry in the text? Notice her attemtp of manipulating you?

          The ‘you cant handle it’ part is her scare tactic so you do reply. Instead as us guys say “dont give a damn” , not because we are being cold etc but because she has obv not cooled down, her attitude is a bit stinky right now and you want to get your mindset sorted.

          ‘I’m doing like you said and getting my power back.’
          GOOD im starting to like you already haha.
          You are doing the right thing, she is imo just acting very silly about it all anyway, you are actually being quite calm in your messages which is good.

          The only thing lacking from your side (truthfully) is probably not setting boundaries and being able to deal with her behaviour. A good term: reward good behaviour, ignore the bad. ever heard the comment “dont feed the troll?” this is pretty much the same thing. Except of course are exes really arent trolls its just a saying that explains this perfectly.

          Id take a mental note of everything bad she does then weight it up against the good. then when you have written down the bad, if she comes back again you know exactly where the problems were and can counter them.

          ‘I don’t know what she wants from me! I wanted to have this same conversation weeks ago!’

          Let her chase you up on it, if she wanted to talk she could of done it last week :) So far so good! Good luck

      • Yeah, we never talked about “not talking” before I sent that text. I just have to laugh out loud at the fact that when she asked if I wanted to talk and I said that I wanted space, she immediately gets defensive. She obviously thought I’d say yes because she knows I usually give in to her. After that last text I told you about, I never replied. I don’t see how she expects me to WANT to talk to her after she belittles me over and over. I’m not going to lie; I’ve been very tempted to break NC, but I’m not going to. I keep telling myself that if I do and if I give in and we talk, it’s just going to hurt me more. I’m so annoyed at the fact that even with everything that’s happened between us, I still have feelings for her and I think that’s what I hate the most. I like this “reward good behavior business” :) but hers will be a long time coming haha because regardless of what I do she always gets angry. Gotta be honest; It does hurt, but it’s starting to hurt less. I think one of her other texts (and I can’t remember because I deleted all of them) said something along the lines of “I want this to be over so you can spend the rest of your life getting space from me.” After I sent what you told me to. I can’t even count the number of times she threatened to walk off forever and still ended up coming back. It’s funny because my friends are aware of my situation and one of them says that maybe I should listen to what she has to say. Of course my reply is “Nope, sticking to no contact; I’ve been talking to an expert and he hasn’t steered me wrong” :) Well, thanks for more advice Jay, it’s nice to know I’m not totally alone in this. Think I’ll take a sleeping pill and knock myself out lol

        • ‘I just have to laugh out loud at the fact that when she asked if I wanted to talk and I said that I wanted space, she immediately gets defensive’

          Immaturity^ and the fact she cant handle you taking your balls back (rude i know but its a saying us guys say lol). But yes taking your power back here will definately make her insecure and because of this she gets defensive because she doesnt know how to handle the 180 degrees.

          Yup she isnt used to you sayng the magic word NO or simply showing it through your actions.Its good that you havent replied and i am glad you are seeing this logically, she canot expect you text back all lovey dovey when she belittles you, this is exactly the way of thinking you need right now. Good on you.

          Feelings are irrational, we put so much into one person we love that we forget they can have flaws. That is the hardest part of love and relationships. We want to be happy in a relationship but just remind yourself, realistically were you happy in this RS? Lets just say it could have been miles better.

          ‘she always gets angry.’
          I was tempted to write “calm down calm down”, but this hostility is just a way of her engineering her own disapointed of the breakup etc.. only NC can make you both sane again especially her with anger. Only when you are both calm etc can either of you talk anyway. The thing with breaking NC is less to do with fixing the relationship because if you did break it would be an endless cycle of anger and arguement but staying in NC allows that to disapear with time.

          ‘I can’t even count the number of times she threatened to walk off forever and still ended up coming back.’

          Wow she says one thing then does the other, it is similar to telling someone you hate their guts then coming back for dinner and a cup of tea lol.

          I personally think listening to her is okay since you have no control over what she does or sends you.. because she will eventually chase you up, but as you have now told her you want space however you cannot break NC until you recollect the power you have lost. Power cannot be reclaimed simply by a few days in NC, it is more of you recovering a mindset. For example if you are in NC for a month you will feel better, more recovered and probably care less about the RS, this is a good thing. Measure your mindset now compared to when you first met her. All the emotional stuff can only further dampen or damage the RS further.

          It sounds like you got it sorted :) keep it up!
          PS: how long were you dating etc?

          • She’s always been pretty quick to anger and it was usually over the tiniest, dumbest, stuff. That was one thing that kind of annoyed me, but I was quick to get over it. According to her, I act like a know-it-all and I apparently always tell her what to do. My response to half of the things she ever says is “Go for it” and that was more in support of her rather than bossing her. Yeah, I do want to space. I want to get my head straightened out and my emotions in check and mostly, I want to heal from all this. As pathetic as it sounds, I do hope she chases me up on that, but I have a question I’ve been wondering for some time now. I don’t plan on breaking NC, but if she sends me a text that seems genuine, do I respond? I’m not exactly sure how to word this. . . I guess what I’m trying to say is that at what point do you reward good behavior? I’m kind of hoping that if I ignore her long enough a light bulb will go off and she’ll realize that we could make things work. I’m afraid if we have this call for closure then that will be it and there will be no chance for us to at least try this again. I know her better than she thinks. She loves having her phone blown up and she loves talking non stop for hours on end. But she’s also cagey; she’s not afraid to let go sometimes. But I feel it’s a little different with me because she has told me that I mean a lot to her when we were together and that she never wanted to lose me. Now whether she was BS’ing me is a totally different story. And she did make me happy; I felt like I could be completely open around her. I could be myself and we could just fool around and make each other laugh. To answer your question, we “dated” for about 3 months. We video chatted on occasion, but we never actually met in person, although we planned to quite a few times. She lives about 2 hours away from me and we met on a global writing website. Hard to believe that she was in the same country as well as the same state. Regardless, sticking to NC because it’s the easiest thing to do right now and, as you guys say, take my balls back lol :) You are right though: it does change your mindset. I haven’t been tempted to text her. Progress :)

          • She’s always been pretty quick to anger and it was usually over the tiniest, dumbest, stuff.

            The above is just one reason not to take her back so quickly, NC is not just about you changing but ‘them’ too. IF they dont change then its your job to have boundaries and self respect if she does come back into a RS with you i.e if she is a pain then you must have walking power etc.

            I do hope she chases me up on that, but I have a question I’ve been wondering for some time now.

            In NC its quite common that some of some come from a scarcity paradigm which means you want the ex back more than usual people because you dont feel another like her will come along.. this goes double if you rarely socialize. This is why in NC its always good to socialize and get out as much as possible so she does not become a priority.

            but if she sends me a text that seems genuine, do I respond?

            In the future you can but it must be something productive such as “i want to make things work out” and NOT “i miss you because im selfish” OR “your a $%^&”.. Do not reply because you want to but because your ready and she has become calmer.

            in other words keep in mind: dont reward bad behaviour BUT also make sure her messages are about getting back together and not just checking up to see if your pinning over her. This is why texts such as “i miss you” mean nothing but selfishness usually i.e i am expressing my feelings to see if you will express yours but dont want to get back together.

            I guess what I’m trying to say is that at what point do you reward good behavior?

            When you either onto something productive or when your back together. You reward good behaviour when the person is good and giving you good attention but a “hi” or “i miss you” is not something productive.

            Her name calling you is bad behaviour, her throwing a tantrum liek a baby is bad behaviour. Good behaviour is when she sits down with you and says “lets work things out and get back together”. Then again NC isnt so easy, you need to really make an effort to change, as does she too. But you cannot tell her to change because she her self needs to let her defences down and stop being hostile.

            ‘I’m afraid if we have this call for closure then that will be it and there will be no chance for us to at least try this again.’

            Ask yourself do you value yourself? Do you have confidence in yourself? Or do you simply fear losing someone because the other person is someone you think is too good for you or because you will never meet someone of the same type. Forget the scarcity paradigm, your in this for happiness. you can never be desperate with RSs.

            My advice is that if your not prepared to let it go you will never get your power back:
            The ONE who cares least controls the RS, let fear her losing you. You at the moment are
            fearing losing her but even after all her anger etc! Why?

            Remember what will getting her back achieve? It will only achieve breakup after breakup. why? because you two never corrected the problems that caused it in the first place. This is why NC is to get your head straight and this cannot be ‘pretend’. You get back now and you will argue again, make the short term sacrifice speaking to her and allow the two of you to get your heads straight, then when the time is right you can renew contact possibly.

            ‘she’s not afraid to let go sometimes.’

            Shes probably somewhat experienced in RSs but her attitude is a bit stinky right now.

            ‘But I feel it’s a little different with me because she has told me that I mean a lot to her when we were together and that she never wanted to lose me.’

            If she doesnt want for her to do something about it. If not then contact her later.. if you contact her later AND she acts childish then she was all about ego power and not above love.

            ‘And she did make me happy’

            How does she make you feel right this minute? Make a list of the good and bad things about her then read them out to yourself. Then weigh up if there is a lot of change needed from her for her to get you back (notice how i say she needs to get you back?).

            ‘but we never actually met in person’

            This isnt really a serious relationship by sounds of it. If after 3 months you have not met up then im very surprised.. you two should of met within a month of talking imo. There should of been a plan to meet at some point as its a long distance relationship, otherwise you end up hoping to meet then end up being disappointed because she meets someone else, or vice versa.

            ‘You are right though: it does change your mindset. I haven’t been tempted to text her. Progress ‘

            Keep me posted on the progress, if there was no plan to meet up either one of you could have been stringing the other long. Sounds like your doing a good job though in NC, keep strong :)

  124. Hey Jay. I have found your advice to be very helpfull in my case. However, I would like to run the situation by you to see if you have any insight.
    I have known this woman since high school. 20+ years. I had a little crush on her back then but never acted on it. We moved on to our own lives after high school. When the dreaded Facebook came out, she friended me. I was in my second marriage and she was in her first. We just messages each other occasionally. It was innocent for a few years. Then I started having trouble in my marriage and her in hers. Neither Of us were aware of the others relationship troubles. Then, one day she posts that she is moving into an apartment with her kids and seperating from her husband.
    I send her a innocent comment and the next thing I know, we are constantly messaging each other. She had seen a few other guys since her separation so I never considered that I could be a rebound. One thing led to another and I ended up driving 180 miles to see her on the day she filed for divorce. The connection was magic and we ended up having incredible sex. I then went to see her baby more times never going more than two weeks between visits. All this time, I was married to my since divorced wife. We ended up falling for each other. Hard.
    Then a couple of months into it, my wife caught me. I came clean. She decided to go to her mothers and the separation began. We had a sexless marriage so it was bound to happen sooner or later.
    As soon as this happens is when the woman I was cheating on my wife with began to pull back. We continued to talk over the next 4 months but it wasn’t as frequent and as loving as before. She said she had to concentrate in her job and kids, which I understood. During this time, she started talking to another guy but they ended things shortly thereafter. I didn’t know about him until I went to see her 2 months later. I then panicked and decided to moved even further away due to my pending divorce. We saw each other one more time and talked about how we were destined for each other. And had sex again.
    When I moved to the new destination, 500 miles away. Things continued with the text messages and Facebook messages but the phone calls went down considerably. I had a feeling she was seeing someone else. Granted, we decided to be apart and together at the same time. Then this past weekend, she was going on a trip that she had been planning for a couple of months with a teacher she worked with. Well I guess she forgot to tell the teacher because the teacher posted in facebook that she was still in her hometown. Busted. I told her I knew she was lying and changed my number. She finished the trip without trying to contact be and I relented and texted her from my new number because I wanted closure. She finally texted me but didn’t want to talk to me because she said it would hurt so much. After finding our through texts that she had been seeing this guy and having sex with him for, what she said, two weeks. I finally got her on the phone and told her that we were friends before and we’ll be friends in the future. I told he that she was such an inspiration to my creativity (I’m a songwriter) that i didn’t know if I could let her go. I ended the conversation like a bitch. I told her that I thought we were soulmates and that she was scared of our love and that we would get together again. I told her I would always live her. We both cried and she couldn’t and didn’t want to get off the phone with me.
    Since that night, 6 days ago, I have talked to her once. She had been texting me and I wasnt responding. After she asked if we weren’t talking anymore, I finally texted her a short message: calm down girl. I’m busy right now. Glad you’re safe. That was my last contact with her.
    Then last night she posts a status update in Facebook about the guy she’s taking to, which she says us nothing, about go he was being pissy and was wondering why she didn’t want to chat the next day. This hurt a little so I decides to take her of my news feed so u wouldn’t see those types of status updates anymore.
    Will NC work in this situation or dies the distance make it inconsequential? I really love this woman. She loves me too. I know it. But she and I have some growing we need to do. Her divorce isn’t final until next month and mine just became final. I was very needy and clingy in the relationship, which I just recently learned that we were never really in one. I know this is long but I need an outside perspective to let me know what to do.

    • Hey Jonathan!

      Hmm sounds like your marriage was a unhappy place because of something lacking (we both know what that is). Ask yourself can you remain married to someone who does not give you that kind of love? If not then it could be a sign to get out, it seems like you have made that choice already. I dont know if there are other factors besides the obvious which allowed you marriage to become stale/unhappy etc. To be honest it really counts on whats more important to you, a relationship with sex or one without.

      She finished the trip without trying to contact be and I relented and texted her from my new number because I wanted closure.
      Actions speak louder than words, do not chase something that should not be chased. She already gave you closure by not replying the first time, in other words her actions determine the breakup, you do not need to chase her up for the words on it. Picture a woman who runs away from a man, if she runs she doesnt want to stay, but if you chase her for an answer it makes her run faster. Anyway you caught her out and she lied so you have a better perspective of what this woman may be like in the future, you better be careful here.

      I ended the conversation like a bitch. I told her that I thought we were soulmates and that she was scared of our love and that we would get together again.
      Do not take this the wrong way but you are clingy, needy and letting yoru anger rile, i understand you would be angry at her for playing games but if you dont remain full of anger you are only letting her know she still has power over you. And for that matter anger wont help the overall picture.

      Saying things such as soulmates etc and we are perfect for eachother does not help either, its all sweet talk and sounds like you are trying to convince her you are perfect for eachother, when you do this a woman will react by trying to disprove it. It similar to you telling someone they can or cant do something then them going and doing the opposite, you getting me?

      She had been texting me and I wasnt responding. After she asked if we weren’t talking anymore, I finally texted her a short message: calm down girl. I’m busy right now. Glad you’re safe.
      NC is less of a game and more of a chance to move on or change mindset, in other words NC cannot be used as a way to suddenly ignore someone or do it to annoy them as it can show bitterness or untrusted actions. NC can be done two ways, you can slowly go into it or you can simply tell the other person “i need space right now”. The first is done when the ex hardly talks to you anyway, the secon option is done if she wont leave you alone during the breakup and after.

      Its a good thing you have hidden your news feed, in fact i would tell you to stop using facebook altogether until you get your head on properly and sort the other stuff out. More importantly what is happening with your wife? Is this the end between you are your wife? I understand she is not giving you entirely what you want, did she stop giving you this when you got married? OR was it never there to begin with?

      Will NC work in this situation or dies the distance make it inconsequential?
      It works only if 1) you were in a serious RS and she broke up with you 2) she stopped talking to you and ran off with another.

      however.. going by your last response i would not reply again if she contacts (especially if she has another guy). To me it sounds like you are very into this woman so this time away can be spent doing other productive things, focus on what you like and enjoy in life. If this friend stopped dating you to go to another man are you really the one for her? What mistakes are you making that made her go to another guy? And also should you be going for another married woman, and should you get a divorce first? These questions are just important as the rest. Not only this but you have cheated and hurt your wife, in the future it is best to end a relationship before cheating. That way you give your wife a chance to change or you can go your seperate ways without hurting her as much.

      Keep close to your children too.

      I was very needy and clingy in the relationship, which I just recently learned that we were never really in one.
      Atleast you are honest, good. Get your marriage divorces sorted first and use this time away productively, do not sit around waiting for her to come back, use it to work on yourself and stop thinking about sex, relaitonships and soulmates. If you think this way it wont come, you have to let it happen or allow it to rather than trying to make it happen. This is why neediness and clinginess is number 1 attraction killer.

      I hope this helps, i am not old enough to deal with marriages but you have to sort out the marriages and divorces before doing the rest, this is just my advice. Just dont cheat again, its horrible on the reciever. If your unhappy in any relationship just tell your partner and leave if nothing changes. I wish you luck!

  125. Jay, you were spot on when you said she was calling my bluff. Lo and behold, the very next day (today), she texts me saying “we never did that have phone call for closure.” I haven’t responded yet, but I’m thinking of just saying “I can’t right now, maybe later.” And to be honest; I can’t. I feel like every time I start no contact and I go a day or so without talking to her, I feel better, but then she still comes back around, regardless of what was said between us and tries to talk to me. And in the end, I’m right back to where I started. :/ I want to talk to her, but I don’t want to have any false hope and at the same time, I wish she’d just leave me alone and stop contacting me so I can hurry up and move on. Any suggestions on what I should do? My mind is a tangled mess right now. Part of me still wants her back because I truly did care for her, but part of me wants to stay in no contact and see what happens. The last thing she told me was “stop contacting me” so I did. A day literally cannot pass by where we don’t exchange at least one form of communication; usually on her part because I rarely initiate first contact. If she wants me to leave her alone, WHY does she keep contacting me wanting even more closure? I was under the assumption that we already had closure.

    • the more time I spend not talking to her, the more of her flaws I begin to see.
      Yup, NC offers that kind of mindset, the more longer you are in it the more you feel detatched and this is a good thing because your mindset will go from emotional to logical with time, as you have noticed when you notice her flaws your mind is going alittle logical at a time and you are seeing the bad things about her rather than the good.

      because I wouldn’t have sex at her beck and call;
      Thats great. You shouldnt have to. The ‘reward good behaviour thing’ applies here too.

      but at this point, I don’t really care
      Of course you care but i know you dont care as much! One thing i can tell you now, no one can switch their feelings off like a light switch, even your ex is pretending she is over you and smarmy.

      just have to stay busier on the latter. :) I think I’ll just head to college next year and reinvent myself; start over fresh and just forget about her
      Now your talking, i like it! :) Go for it, find something more fun than dating, i think we as people spend too much time looking for love when we should let them to come us more. You will many more people in the dating world.

      Thanks so much for the advice Jay, I really appreciate it. It’s very refreshing to talk to a guy; gives me an entirely new viewpoint on the situation. :)
      You are always welcome MJ, im happy to help. Be sure to be back if there is any other problems. Im not sure if you were bisexual or gay but im sure you will meet many great people along the way if this one doesnt work out :)

      but I’m thinking of just saying “I can’t right now, maybe later.”
      The above is perfect, take a while to reply. Some more tips for you ;)
      If she responds after that text simply reply “i want space”. Then eventually ignore her if she carries on. She should catch on by then you regaining your self power and that you are calling the shots. The shorter you keep the texts the better like above, the above text idea you put is good because it is short, cold and to the point. Only that you must not break NC repeatedly, once your in it you stay in it. AND take your time to reply, maybe

      I feel like every time I start no contact and I go a day or so without talking to her, I feel better, but then she still comes back around
      Think of it this way, do you wish to reclaim your power? I do not mean your ego but simply the fact you call the shots? If yes keep to NC once you put the last text in (the one suggested above). And if she keeps contacting let me know and i’ll help you from there. The idea with NC is that you must get further her away everytime she is silly or stupid, as said when you are the one who got away you are the prize!

      I wish she’d just leave me alone and stop contacting me so I can hurry up and move on.
      Ignore her until she stops it, if she does not stop then there is two options: 1) change number OR 2) get the cops involved. either way she will stop it eventually if you dont feed her attention, as said bad behaviour (not respecting your space) does not get attention back, it gets ignored.

      but part of me wants to stay in no contact and see what happens.
      Stay where you are, you can see it is working it alittle but moving forward with your life is like reclaiming your power too. Keep at it.

      If she wants me to leave her alone, WHY does she keep contacting me wanting even more closure? I was under the assumption that we already had closure.
      Precisely, watch her actions not her words. Bluffing and false words. Her actions dont reflect her words.

      Good luck and talk to you later :)

  126. Hi, I just finished reading your article and was wondering if I could ask for some advice. I met this girl on a writing website and we clicked from the start. We were the type of people that literally talked until the sun came up, we had so much in common and we connected so quickly and easily that it was almost scary. Talking eventually led to flirting, which led to skype calling, which then led to a semi-relationship as she only lived 2 hours away from me. About a month or so into this relationship, my feelings for her became pretty strong, but as I had never felt like this before, it scared me a little bit. I wanted to take things slow, but the night I called her, I was in the heat of an ensuing conflict with two of my friends and my words became mixed up. Rather than saying “I’d like to slow things down, we’re moving a little too fast” I ended up saying “I don’t think this is working, I’m not the one for you.” I regretted my words the minute she hung up the phone and I did everything in my power to get her back. A week or so later, I told her my true feelings; that I was simply afraid and I desperately wanted to try things with her again. She was relieved and agreed. And for a time, we were okay.

    But then a month or so after that, she began to feel we were moving to fast and said that we’d probably work better as friends. She did this in a skype message, so it set me back a little. I was angry as well as hurt, so I didn’t respond. She texted me asking if we could talk, and then saying that she wasn’t sure she even felt that way and finally ending it with “I’m deathly scared of losing you, please forgive me. All I’m asking for is a second chance.” Being the idiot that I was, I believed her because I still had feelings for her and we tried it again. However, a week after even that, she began to grow pretty distant. I asked her why and she explained that she lost the spark she had previously felt for me and that she didn’t think she could ever feel the same again. She said that she preferred the single life and that she didn’t think she could ever be in another relationship. (She was in one previously for two years, but it was abusive.) I was heartbroken and angry. I tried convincing her that she was wrong; that I was not out to hurt her and that I only wanted to make her happy. I failed miserably, because it pushed her further away, just like I knew it would. She said we could be friends and I agreed that if she’d give me some time, I could get over my feelings for her and we could move on.

    A week or so after that, she deleted me off facebook, skype, and pretty much everything else, and left me a message that simply said “I don’t feel right being friends with you, good luck with everything in life.” Naturally, I wanted an explanation, so I texted her and then left a voicemail, asking if we could talk it out. (I know: by now, I’ve made every mistake in the book.) She told me that she held resentment for me ever since I let her off “casually” that first night I called things off between us. She also said that my naivety annoyed her and the more she distanced herself from me, the more annoying I appeared to her. I have been nothing but patient and respectful to this girl, so unless she wants to date a jerk, I don’t understand her reasoning behind this. I’m 18 and she’s 21, just for background knowledge. She also comes from a pretty abusive home life and has low self esteem thanks to her step father. I always told her how much she meant to me, how important she was to everyone around her and to not let him bring her down. I always wanted to be there for her. She told me to F*** off and stop contacting her, so I did. A few minutes later, she texted me back saying that she was drunk and that she was pissed off at the world; that we couldn’t be friends now, but maybe in the future when we were both over this.

    The next day, she texted me asking if we could talk. I asked if we could lay out our problems on the table, sort through them and let them go, so that tension between the two of us would be gone and there would be no more reason to feel angry with each other. My naivety was still an issue with her, but in my defense, I don’t find myself to be naive at all. I apologized for the things she pointed out that made her angry, and then proceeded to be honest and tell her the things that annoyed me. One of them being that she got angry over the tiniest things. She said I couldn’t handle that and that was a reason we would never work out. I never brought up our relationship, but she did numerous times. Afterwards, I told her that I didn’t want to just focus on the bad, and I thanked her for the memories, as well as the talk and said “I’d see her around.” We both agreed to give each other space. However, today, she texts me saying that she appreciated the good things too and that she was sorry she held my age and naivety above my head and that it was wrong of her to do so. I never replied. It doesn’t matter if we’re in a good mood or a bad mood; we still haven’t gone a single day without saying at least one thing to each other. I’m trying to stay in No Contact, but she keeps breaking it.

    Despite all this, I would like to get back with her, because I honestly enjoyed our time together. No, we never met, but never before have I laughed so much and been so happy just to know that someone cared for me like she did. It’s stupid; that I realize, but we would have met eventually and were very close to doing so. I just find it hard to believe that she could turn her feelings off so quickly. She said that I made her happy, that I made her want to be a better person and that I meant so much to her that she never wanted to lose me. Now, she seems like a completely different person and I don’t know whether she’s just afraid of getting emotionally invested and getting hurt again, or if she’s got so much on her plate right now that she can’t think straight, or if it’s true and I was cast aside like a damn toy. Either way, I’m going no contact until I get a text that intrigues me enough to respond to.

    I guess my question is: will no contact work in my situation. I’ve always let her initiate contact first and she always has, usually in the next day or so. But this time, I haven’t responded like I normally do. I figure either way, I win. I heal and move on, or she misses me and wants to start over. What do you think?

    • Hey MJ!

      Rather than saying “I’d like to slow things down, we’re moving a little too fast” I ended up saying “I don’t think this is working, I’m not the one for you.”
      Obviously you learnt from this mistakes yikes! Why would you say such a thing?

      She said that she preferred the single life and that she didn’t think she could ever be in another relationship. (She was in one previously for two years.
      There is your answer right there, she just came out of a 2 year relationship, she isnt ready to date but it might still be possible to turn that around.

      I tried convincing her that she was wrong
      Firstly never be angry if someone breaks up with you, be okay with it. Secondly you cannot convince someone to come back, and convincing her she is wrong is another bad thing. Respect her feelings, she feels this way for a reason.

      She said we could be friends and I agreed that if she’d give me some time, I could get over my feelings for her and we could move on.
      Mistake 1: never be friends with exes or former lovers. You are patting her on the back for leaving you and allowing her to move onto another guy. Do NC and keep to NC, do not be friends, it doesnt help your chances or yourself, it makes you feel cr*ppy and gives her a bigge ego. NC is the only way you will get over her, being friends will not help you get over her.

      A week or so after that, she deleted me off facebook, skype, and pretty much everything else, and left me a message that simply said “I don’t feel right being friends with you, good luck with everything in life.”
      She didnt want to be friends with you, she was just doing it to make you feel better at the time. You are going to need to understand women better in the future, being friends with an ex is not good ever.

      Naturally, I wanted an explanation, so I texted her and then left a voicemail, asking if we could talk it out. (I know: by now, I’ve made every mistake in the book.)
      Well i am no going to tell you that you made another mistake but what i will say is that you are ignoring your actions, you demanding answers from her like its your right. Stop it! When your guy mates stopped contacting you from school did you ever get mad or chase them up for answers? Do not let this woman bother you so much.

      She also said that my naivety annoyed her and the more she distanced herself from me, the more annoying I appeared to her.
      You might not like the truth that i will tell you here: you are needy and clingy. You are demanding answers for everything, you have let yourself get too emotionally attatched to this woman. You are appearing annoying because you keep chasing and chasing and it gets you no where, you chase she runs, what happens when you reverse that?

      have been nothing but patient and respectful to this girl, so unless she wants to date a jerk
      She has ran because you kept chasing.

      Patience is not ‘waiting’ or demanding answers. Patience is allowing her to come back when she is ready and dealing with issues in a slow calm manner. You have respected some of her decisions but if a woman wants to breakup with you YOU respect her decision to do, by chasing her and for answers your not respecting her decision.

      Women dont like jerks unless they are immature, they like guys who are a challenge and not pushovers. She also wants someone who is not going to keep pushing and pushing for a relationship, do NC now and stick with it.

      I don’t find myself to be naive at all.
      You are naive in relationships and with how women work. I dont mean this in a nasty way but you are finding no fault with your actions (this is not to say she hasnt been nasty to you) but you 1) keep letting her back so easily 2) you do not drop your interest in her when she misbehaves 3) she has just come out of another RS and you going gungho with her. Even you are apologizing when you are no longer together!

      I’m trying to stay in No Contact, but she keeps breaking it.
      Now we are talking.. tell her ‘I need some time alone to think things through’, that will stop her from contacting your for a while (trust me that is when you take your power back).

      Do not send a long love letter to her either just a simple message like the one above, just simply put what i said above. If she continues with trying to contact you write ‘ respect my space please’. She should not get angry and if she does its none of her business because your not officially together, you owe her nothing. You need to give the impression you are not her whipping dog, you need to break away from her, like i said when you are the one running away she chases you! This is why NC works at first, only in NC you need to sort your head out too. Find something to take your mind off her as well.

      She said that I made her happy, that I made her want to be a better person and that I meant so much to her that she never wanted to lose me.
      This is good to read, it means you may have a chance but you need to stick to NC. She needs to respect your space though. So that way you can clear your head and begin to think less of getting back with her, this is so that she is not TOO important to you.

      I figure either way, I win. I heal and move on, or she misses me and wants to start over. What do you think?
      The actual point of NC is to heal but even if you say to me “i want her back” that is the bonus of NC, you heal to get a better mindset and let her interest build while you back off and take it easy.

      Anything else, keep me posted, always happy to help :) Cheers!

      • Thank you. I needed that wake up call. I should have probably mentioned that I’m a woman. . .sorry about that. I ended up just calling everything off. She actually apologized to me for holding my age and naivety above my head, and when I didn’t respond, she was angry at me for not responding. Later, she tells me that she’s thinking of moving in with another girl on the same website that she met me on. So, I had had enough and basically told her that I couldn’t do this anymore; that talking to her was just making it harder for me to get over her. So, we bid each other farewell and she is forever out of my life because she assured me I would not hear from her again. Whether she keeps her word, is entirely up to her. I’ve thought on this for a few days and I got so sick of her talking to me like a dog that I finally realized just how much of a jerk she was to me. I meant that I was patient and understanding BEFORE we got in this huge argument. I understand her point of view; she wants to be single and I respect that. I guess since it’s my first relationship where I’ve actually gotten “emotionally attached” is just taking a bigger toll on me. I’ve never felt this way and I don’t understand half of what I’m even doing. So I figured it was just best to cut her out of my life permanently so I could properly move on. I’m already starting to feel better. And no, what you said isn’t nasty at all. I needed to hear those words; I kept saying the same to myself but it didn’t take the same toll. And yes, though I am a woman, I will still never understand them lol I don’t know, we’ll see what happens; but I’m not expecting to ever hear from her again and in all honesty I hope that I don’t. I’m a lot better off without her.

        • MJ i am not used to the ladies popping over for advice so it really refreshing for you to post here, i do tend to take a stern approach with relationships but i am also a good listener, so while giving advice is something im used to i understand that any breakup is also painful and it seems you are dealing well with it. The good thing from my point of view is that this is a short term relationship and you could be much worse if you had been together for a long time if things did not work out.

          If she told you shes moving in with another girl its one of two things:
          1) she is making you jealous so you react to it
          2) she is simply moving on

          Whichever it is does not matter too much, but i would advise you to ignore and carry on with the moving forward. Reacting to it will only pull you down to her level or way of thinking during this moment.

          she assured me I would not hear from her again.
          My advice here is never to believe something that someone simply tells you, she probably said this to call your bluff, i am just throwing that idea out there. She may be trying to make you jealous but also using the above as a scare tactic for you to break NC. As for me if someone tells me they are moving in with someone else they might aswell tell me “i am moving on to someone else”, in both cases you must protect yourself and leave her to her own relationship hopping whilst you get better. Treat yourself to some good stuff tonight, maybe have a hot chocolate and put your feet up, then maybe tomorow go out with some friends to keep you busy :)

          I’ve thought on this for a few days and I got so sick of her talking to me like a dog that I finally realized just how much of a jerk she was to me
          Good, sometimes we need to turn that emotional thinking off so the logical side turns on, i always say to people “no one is perfect” and for that reason you should give yourself a reason to be gone from her life, use this as a reason to stick to NC and recover. You will be better much sooner since you have not been in a long term relationship, it could be your starting to feel better already.

          So I figured it was just best to cut her out of my life permanently so I could properly move on. I’m already starting to feel better
          Sounds promising! Awesome. Just to explain moving on is more of a mindset thing, if for any reason she would want to work things out with you (and you wanted that too) you would need to be in a better mindset from the moving on, and her she would need to correct anything she has done wrong to case you two falling out and breaking up.

          As they say it takes two to tango :)

          And yes, though I am a woman, I will still never understand them lol
          Its funny you say that because when i deal with people in general they can sometimes be quite egotistical or at the very least get defensive when i know HOW they work or what they want, when i studied female psychology as part of i am now able to think more like a woman even when being a man. Sometimes learning from our own mistakes is the best way though, if we dont learn from mistakes faster we will never know what works, we are only delaying the inevitable so to speak :)

          Anyway sorry to hear it did not turn out quite well in the end but NC is workable still and if getting them back does not happen (for any reason) atleast you move on, putting yourself through hell with friendzone etc is a horrible place to be. Always use your best judgement, you sound like you are doing the right thing :) And im glad you are going to sit this out till the end.

          Anyway i am glad you are feeling much better, you owe it yourself. I’m always interested in helping in anyway possible so do come back if you do ever need further advice, at the very least i hope this has been a good read even if your not bothered about taking her back. Good luck :)

          • Yeah, after she told me she was moving in with someone else, that was it. I mean, the conversation we had prior to that was pretty civil towards the end. She was constantly pointing out my naivety and treating me like a child; like she knew everything in the world and that she was so much more experienced that me because she was a whole 3 years older than me. She knows it gets under my skin because I’ve constantly told her that it does and she purposefully belittles me just to make a point to appear more superior. I got defensive over it because it’s just the one thing that gets to me and ticks me off. Finally, I just decided to get over it and try and be civil. It was fine for a few more texts and she dropped the “I’m might be moving in with this girl, but she lives in CT.” She’s potentially moving in with someone she’s never even met and she calls ME naive. . .? After she said that, I said “I don’t think I can do this anymore, talking to you is just making this harder, I wasn’t expecting to get back together, good luck with everything.” She responded with “I respect that.” and we were done. 5 minutes later she texts me saying “I hope you don’t think we were ever together, because we weren’t.” I realize, I’ve never met this woman, but the way we talked and acted with each other was more than just friendship. Perhaps a. . .flirtationship? haha, I don’t know. So I said “Whatever it was that we had, I wasn’t expecting a repeat, now stop contacting me.” And once more she responded with “Pulling my card now eh? When I asked you to do the same thing, you didn’t, but I’ll respect your wishes.” so I responded “It’s the only way for me to stop hurting, I don’t want to, I have to. You were over me when you drunk dialed me, I wasn’t. It was different.” Enter string of swear words here: and finally we stopped and that was when she said “I assure you you’ll never hear from me again, good luck with everything in life.”
            I deleted her number from my phone and I’m assuming she did the same with me. I’ll still never understand how someone can just lose the spark in a matter of days, but the more time I spend not talking to her, the more of her flaws I begin to see. You’re absolutely right in the sense that it was only a short time; 3 months seems to be my unlucky time period as it’s not the first time a relationship didn’t work out. I actually did take your advice and spent the entire day with my friends and it took my mind off of it. :) Her other main reason for calling us off was the fact that she has “physical needs” whereas I prefer to save such things for marriage, and because I wouldn’t have sex at her beck and call; that was a major problem for her. I honestly hope she doesn’t expect all relationships to be 100% perfect with both people completely compatible because in all reality that’s almost impossible. Like you said; no one is perfect, and when there’s one tiny argument, she calls everything off.
            I think you’re right; I think she is calling my bluff for the whole no contact thing, but at this point, I don’t really care. I have my good days and my bad days; just have to stay busier on the latter. :) I think I’ll just head to college next year and reinvent myself; start over fresh and just forget about her. I’ve already learned the hard way that sitting and cleaving to false hope is only going to bring me down more. Thanks so much for the advice Jay, I really appreciate it. It’s very refreshing to talk to a guy; gives me an entirely new viewpoint on the situation. :) Will def keep in touch if I hear anything from her; though I’m not expecting it to be for a very long time, if I even do at all.

          • I’ve constantly told her that it does and she purposefully belittles me just to make a point to appear more superior.
            Considering she is the older one that doesnt sound very mature, are you allowing her to do this, do you ever tell her during the RS “i do not tolerate this”? There must be a time when you can simply set boundaries and tell her what is allowed and what isnt, and if what she does make you feel bad even when you set down boundaries then she is not bothered about your feelings but herself, it means the RS cannot work out. However if you do NC she might get two thoughts about it and snap out of the superior ego thing.

            I got defensive over it because it’s just the one thing that gets to me and ticks me off.
            Practice being calm, i dont mean that in a sarcastic way, just try it and do not let her get you. Some nice walking or meditating can help or some gentle reading, when someone intentionally tries to upset or make you look at the ‘intention’. If love is to hurt someone you love dearly then she is not making an effort to make you feel good about yourself, it is very likely she does not even know the real concept of love.

            Otherwise you may be acting somewhat ‘pushover’ during the RS, its normal and quite common. Setting boundaries is like telling someone “i do not tolerate this” or in other words “i do not tolerate nasty behaviour”, only that once you say those words you must remain consistent through your actions. If you do not tolerate bad behaviour then you must ditch the other person for them to learn from it, NC right now will actually help her to see her mistakes. This is not to say she is the only one making ALL the mistakes but of course her current attitude it not RS worthy and she dug her self a hole.

            “I’m might be moving in with this girl, but she lives in CT.” She’s potentially moving in with someone she’s never even met and she calls ME naive. . .?
            Be totally cool with it, notice how she is trying to rile you up and your allowing it? People will play petty games like the above to make you jealous and angry etc, the best thing to do is ignore it. A good quote: reward good behaviour, ignore bad behaviour.

            The same applies to attention, this is her giving you bad attention, she is rubbing this in your face for the entire reason of making you both jealous and playing with your head. This is why being calm and not letting her bother you is why NC works, you can sit nicely while she pins over her loss while you do other things and dont give a damn (in a nutshell).

            5 minutes later she texts me saying “I hope you don’t think we were ever together, because we weren’t.” I realize, I’ve never met this woman, but the way we talked and acted with each other was more than just friendship.
            Do you believe her words or her actions? She is clearly bluffing all the way, one thing you notice in life is that someones words dont always match their body language or actions. That is what is happening here, you were together but she is trying to look better like she is more value than you. BUT trust me i know who has the higher value here and it is you.

            But to show even higher value as a person dont get involved with her nasty attitude and just ignore it, she deserves it until she snaps out of her ego speeches. Its not doing you any good either, this is why you should stick out NC. Here is a good tip for you: HE or SHE who drops the argument or discussion first WINS.

            He who cares least controls the Relationship, responding is ‘caring’. I do not mean caring as in feelings but rather that you are caring about everything she tells you, going by her messages i would of done a runner by now.

            I deleted her number from my phone
            Good move by you, im happy you did this, she doesnt deserve any type of reply right now. Get your head sorted and take it easy, all of this sounds like it would do my head in.

            I’ll still never understand how someone can just lose the spark in a matter of days
            That because she never did, she can tell you shes over you etc but her body language and actions do not indicate this. Words are one thing but the actions that back them up matter more. Its all talk by her and most of what she says is a ‘moment’ thing. My ex girlfriend once said to me “i hate you and i will never talk to you again”, but she contacted me a few months later. It goes to show that words are really pointless when there is no consistency in them.

  127. Hi Jay i was really busy yesterday and this is me just getting round to mailing you back,ok so firstly you want to know why she behaves like this well honestly i have no idea id go near her shed make a noise and push me away in the end i was lucky if i kissed her on the cheek,you know she didnt want me to stay over aswell.The party at her fathers was seemingly when she was 20 everyone was drunk she was in bed some random guy came into her room and put his hand down her pants,personally i think alot more than this happened but thats all she would tell me she was really upset about it,she said this was the first time shed ever spoke of it and she would never mention it again,she wouldnt tell me who it was i dont think it was an ex,which made me think it couldve been a family member but i suppose i may never know the truth during our relationship she said she had wanted to tell me about it but she couldnt bring herself to say it.so thats me filled you in on that part,i dont think she is in contact with her ex or anyone for that matter she did say once shed be quite happy if she never had sex again…….yet in other instances shed say “oh i was at the doctor today i got my eye tested theres something really wrong with it if i have kids theyll need to be checked out asap”eh hello mixed signals here or just pure head *******,so as far as im aware i mean this is what i was taught at school to have kids you need a woman and a man right???or have i missed something along the years????so i dont know why she would say this infront of me unless she dosent realise shes doing it,she has said some other really hurtful stuff but again i think she was just reacting to my paranoid questions “i can do what i like when i like with whoever the fuck i like but just so you know im not seeing anyone”that always plays on my mind,ok so now that ive fessed up some more the update is i still havent heard from her since my rant on monday and to be reall y honest i doubt ill hear from her again because she finished her text with “i wont waste anymore of your time take care”now ive never claimed to be clever but it dosent take a brain surgeon to see that this dosent look good,however i said to you before i wont contact her and im going to stick to that and i know in my heart of hearts shell never contact me again,anyway i need to keep myself active ive been asked to dj tonight ill speak to you tomorrow buddy,oh nearly forgot were not together HA HA but you already knew that just when you kept saying GF and RS,speak soon thanks for your support and if theres anything else you need to know just ask.

    • honestly i have no idea id go near her shed make a noise and push me away
      You need to ask yourself why she does the above, was she attracted to you? Was she pushing you away because you keep chasing her around everywhere or is she pushing you away since a ‘certain incident’? Maybe writing this down will help because sometimes we better understand something if we see the cause and effect of it all.

      Someone like this needs a lot of trust in the person she dates because of that sexual encounter, she probably felt taken advantage of.

      she said this was the first time shed ever spoke of it and she would never mention it again,she wouldnt tell me who it was i dont think it was an ex
      When the time is right (if it comes) just show her you are understanding and supportive. By saying (if you do get back together) this she may help her to open up even more later, the fact she hasnt told you who it was is quite normal

      If it is the ex her took advantage then i would personally be very angry because she is talking bad of this person while still hanging around with them. In other words its like taking the p*ss! I would have little sympathy for someone who was raped by someone then constantly keep them in their lives, she would be causing her own problem purposely!

      I think its simply someone she knew in the past (not the ex), you may find out more when she starts to trust you again if that time comes. If you ever feel that these are simply excuses (people do make them) then you have every right to use your gut feeling, just be cautious but dont act on emotion or on paranoid feelings, remember she needs to trust that your not like other men (this is a woman’s mind too).

      she said she had wanted to tell me about it but she couldnt bring herself to say it.
      This means she would or will most likely tell you at some point but it will take time for her to come out of her shell, women are very cautious with what they say and dont say it all at once. Just be patient and let her come to you when she is ready, do not force it out of her either.

      once shed be quite happy if she never had sex again
      was this said during an angry/sad moment for her? it sounds to me like she isnt big on sex but i do not believe she really means this, its more a ‘test’ to see if you stick around. If this relationship works out then it is likely once she trusts you 100% she will not mind sex. Her bad experience has obviously scarred her.

      yet in other instances shed say “oh i was at the doctor today i got my eye tested
      Do you trust her? Dont get me wrong, it can never not be proved that she is up to something but your best is to act like everything is normal, if someone is going to cheat or leave they will, it is not something that can be changed. If you feel you are waiting for the dreaded end and she drifting further way then it might be a good time to question if this relationship is going to last.

      If her body language is nervous, shaky and off it is a sign she did not go the doctors, body language tells you everything about whether someone is lying or up to something behind your back. Watch her closely just dont jump to conclusions. Let me know how you get on with this.

      At some point you will need to address the question “do you want children?” that is if you want a family, for now though i would just leave it till a better time. By better time i mean a moment where she feels better, comfortable and happy. She needs to be feeling it to talk about such things as this as a woman is very closed off about future talk when the relationship is still in a rough moment.

      she has said some other really hurtful stuff but again i think she was just reacting to my paranoid questions
      If you stop with any hurtful words or assumptions it is likely she will stop too. If you stop and it keeps going on then you know she is being hurtful when there is no reason to be so. I believe she is the type that will probably be very reactive even to the smaller issues (this is my guess).

      “i can do what i like when i like with whoever the fuck i like but just so you know im not seeing anyone”
      Is this a reaction to you being controlling of her? Have you told her what she can or cant do, have you told her not to see a certain person prior to this? Can you build more on why she said these words? If this came out of the blue for no reason its not a good sign but if its a reaction you being paranoid or assuming the worst then this is more of a normal reaction of her anger at your failure to trust her. Just trust her, if she cheats she cheats. IF you see any weird signs from her tell me about them. You just have to work out if its you telling her what she can and cant do or whether it is a lack of boundaries set by you.

      to be reall y honest i doubt ill hear from her again because she finished her text with “i wont waste anymore of your time take care”
      She wont waste any of your time? Was she wasting your time from day 1? Thats debatable however what did she do prior to saying that and did you reply to it?

      i said to you before i wont contact her and im going to stick to that and i know in my heart of hearts shell never contact me again
      Dont be so sure, i have hope for you. However if you do expect the worse to happen its actually a good thing because it shows your prepared for the very very bad outcome. This is why i say also to go find something to take your mind off it, it will help you.

      Who was the one who cared most about this relationship, did it feel like it was you? If yes you have done your recent apology, correct? And you are in NC now where you can focus on what matters i.e you. If she wants you she knows where you are.

      i need to keep myself active ive been asked to dj tonight ill speak to you tomorrow buddy
      Yeah thats a great idea mate :) Any more updates just let me know.

      If you are not officially together its NC all the way. Most of the above is more about whehter you are still with her, until i got to the bottom line i now know there is no together anymore at all. Just approach this like she is the one that must come to you when she is ready only that right now you are getting on with your life as well. When and if she does contact let me know, dont rush any replies if she does.

      Good luck and talk to you later mate :)

  128. Sorry jay meant to say,you asked about the “im not seeing anyone”quote that was me being a paranoid ****i asked her in my angry texts yesterday and i do believe she isnt seeing anyone to be honest i dont think she has the confidence and ability to go out with someone she dosent know,i really am worried about her when it comes to her confidence,and just so you know i did offer to take her to speak to someone but she said”ive told you no1 else needs to know as far as im concerned its dead and buried”so with her just doing that that really meant alot to me surely i meant something to her other than just friends???im off to bed youll be sick of me ranting on and on i look forward to reading your replies,night night.

  129. Hey Jay your number 1 fan here again,i dont want you to think im weak in anyway its just she has told me this stuff that really hurt her in a big way so i feel i need to be supportive or caring towards her when she needs it,and after all this girl never told anyone what happened to her not her sisters her parents her friends,just me surely this counts for something?????i still am adamant i will not contact her because like i said to you earlier getting out my hurt and anger made me feel alot better about myself in a stupid kind of way!!!but dont get me wrong i am human i do worry about her thinking was i out of order?did i go to far?is she upset?does it bother her?is she thinking about me?will she realise i have feelings too?but then after writing this i think to myself i didnt bring this on,i never cheated EVER i took the hard stuff when the **** hit the fan,i listened i was respectful all in all i was decent,maybe she wanted some1 who cheated on her like all the rest???but then i come back to this same question is it because of her past she behaves like this?there are times when i lay in bed at night and think should i break this promise i have nothing to lose after all ,should i tell her dad something really bad happened to her under his roof on his watch at one of his parties?but i dont want to break her trust and i feel its not really my place to say if we had been married it wouldnt have bothered me id have been in there all guns blazing”how could you her father let this happen?””how could any father not read the signs?”but i suppose its just not my place to say eh?ok moving on Jay my question for you is this if her ex wasent having sex with her and had the problems i had why didnt he help her come to terms with them?or is this just what adults do?or was he over her and quite happy getting it elsewhere?once again thanks for your quick replies and honest insight it keeps me sane in moments of need,keep up the good work i look forward to your reply,you are a LEGEND…….

    • this stuff that really hurt her in a big way so i feel i need to be supportive or caring towards her
      That is fine and IF you had done something bad then you would correctly apologize but if you are on a break YOU do not owe her anything after the apology, its your job to sit back and clear up your thoughts now. Why do you need to supportive or caring toward her? Are you officially together or not?

      i still am adamant i will not contact her because like i said to you earlier getting out my hurt and anger made me feel alot better about myself
      I dont think you have done much wrong compared to what you could of, but i would keep your distance and let her to come to you when she is ready. If you are sure she is not the type to go behind your back then just be kind when she comes to you. IF she seems to be hiding anything from you then thats when you need to be wary.

      did i go to far?is she upset?does it bother her?is she thinking about me?will she realise i have feelings too?
      Serious you will be fine, just dont over react to anything she says or does. IF at any point you seem jealous or angry because of her ex being in her life you will lose attraction because of this insecurity, you need to take it on without her ex being the threat.

      If she is upset then say sorry and that’s it, is she thinking about well most likely yes. She knows you like her but thats not the issue, the issue is that you must become more secure with yourself, this ex isnt a threat unless you make him the threat. Be okay with what she is doing, it is only when she is really taking the p*ss when you question her motives.

      is it because of her past she behaves like this?
      Tell me more, how does she behave? This is important.

      should i tell her dad something really bad happened to her under his roof on his watch at one of his parties?
      Please explain to me what happened here if you can? For now i would not say anything especially if she doesnt want to share it. Let me know what happened though. If you mean letting the ex over then her father should really use his brain (do not say that directly god no lol) but your GF (if she is) needs to really make her own decisions and her metal will be tested by how much she allows this man (her ex) into her life. IF she wants your RS to be serious he cannot be the guy who is always around her, not because its wrong but because she needs to have her own integrity and tell him NO. Just observe for now but be okay with things.

      but i suppose its just not my place to say eh?
      Exactly, let things happen as they are. Do not try to get inbetween or change things for them, for now just focus on yourself and be okay with things around you. If your GF/ex at any point senses you are trying to control her or tell her what she can or cant do then she will leave the relationship. If you feel threated by her ex you will also lose your attraction, this is why it is important to just let things happen and only observe for now. If anything important happens let me know.

      why didnt he help her come to terms with them?or is this just what adults do?
      IF you are still in the relationship together (even after 6 months) you have every right to ask her why she does not want/like sex. If she gets in a mood about it she does not care about what you want in a partner. At the same time you must be understanding of what she wants, if you find out the answer from her then it could be something simple like counselling. I have never heard of a woman who has not had sex for that long though!

      or was he over her and quite happy getting it elsewhere?
      Could be, when he fit the boiler he maybe wasnt even that interested in your GF. This is why you should not treat him as a threat even if he does try it on with your GF. Dont worry your GF has her own head on her own shoulders, if she does not say NO she was never a good gf in the first place.

      you asked about the “im not seeing anyone”quote that was me being a paranoid
      So this was a response to something you asked prior right? then yes have more trust in her, this is what you need to do. If she senses you dont trust her she will leave the RS. No one wants to be in a RS where their partner cant trust them. The more you do the above by accident the more you push her into the arms of another man. Becareful next time mate!

      ”ive told you no1 else needs to know as far as im concerned its dead and buried”
      Remind me what the above means again? If she said this respect her wishes.

      You are fine mate, just calm down and relax. Dont let ‘her ex’ become your threat, your gf will deal with him if she needs to, trust her to deal with him and get rid of him if she needs to. Find something to take your mind off this so that your panicking or worried all the time. Good luck

  130. Hi ive read your nc thing here i think you have a point,so here goes this is long but i
    want you to know everything so you know my position and how i feel,i met my ex 2 and a half years ago through work i wont use her real name so well call her JEN,i was a chef she was hotel manager in hindsight maybe not the best move i hear you say.Anyway she had just come out of a 6 year relationship with a guy who cheated oon her and was pretty mean to her i had been single for a year,anyway after the xmas party we started seeing each other things were great and she was the first woman i hadnt just slept with on the first night infact she made me wait a month this was a first for me,i thought great someone to hold onto here,so we start going out seeing each everday because of work etc things were all good.

    3 months down the line i take her down south to meet my family shes an instant hit they all love her because she seemed normal and self respectable,wonderful the family like her its all good here,the sex is ok but not all the time like it should be when youve just started going out with someone but i think to myself shes a keeper im not going to force her or make her do anything she dosent want to do,6 months down the line weve had sex once maybe twice i ask her if everything is ok shes says yes and brushes me off 9 months now weve maybe had sex another once but i start to notice if were going to do it she needs a few drinks,i start to think theres something really wrong here is it me is it work or has something else happened in the past????i ask her a few times is everything ok is there anything you want to tell me( no no im fine )so again i dont push it i just leave it.

    Christmas time comes great we can spend some time together im in her house weve ordered chinese and a bottle of wine and i notice her xmas shopping list sitting next to me opened im only human so i read,there are family members and me all the way down with what shes buying them the usual stuff perfume chocolates etc then theres mine aftershave and at the very bottom BOOM her ex well call him John and i dont know what upset me more the fact that he was getting a gift or the fact his cost more an I-Shave,so she comes back through with food inhand and i say “im going down the road i dont feel to good” her reply”whats up were only just in,so then i say”come and take a look at this and youll see whats up”her face drops and very nearly so does the food,the normal answers its not what it looks like so i leave very angry and upset,she phones constantly crying laying it on thick,so i answer she tells me that his parents dont know theyve split and theyve turned up at her dads with gifts so she felt the need to return the gesture,me being a big softy i let this slide i head back up to hers to make it up thinking this could be a good night after all i ask her NOT to give him the gift she says she wont and that shell take it back to the shop im happy with this,i dont end up staying the night i end up leaving an hour later so much for make up sex.

    Infact from this moment on i only ever stayed in her house twice she never asked me to stay and when i left she just shut the door she never stood and waved,were now into the year mark sex is rare yet i find myself really in love with this girl i dont know why shes stunning shes caring and kind everything about her i love yet i dont feel im getting it back,we have a month or so break she wants me back i go back,a few weeks down the line i bulid up the guts to ask what happened with the christmas gifts and guess what she gave them the presents i felt so betrayed,again i let this go but its always eating away at me everyday,its now may and we break up i can honestly say i cant even remember how it happened she just said it wasent working we were two different people we met to soon.Now were still working together im finding work really hard with my feelings and seeing her everyday and shes walking around likes shes over it and shes fine, this is doing my nut in.

    We argue at work over silly things etc but she just wants us to be friends i cant handle this she goes out she goes on holiday this is tearing me up she never went on holiday with me she kept saying “were not ready to go on holiday yet” “i dont feel i know you that well yet”her birthday comes around she turns 30 we sleep together the next day she says “it was a mistake it will never happen again”all the while i hope it does.Christmas comes around she turns up at my house at 10pm with gifts i except i bought her stuff too only because i was told she had got me stuff i felt i had to,christmas night goes and were back to work the next day like nothing happened i feel sick i cant take it,2 months later i fall 25 feet and break my back in 3 places its serious i might never walk again im off work for 4 months shes phoning everday coming round to see me all the time all the while im thinking great she cares about me well get back together NOPE i go back to work and its back to the norm she dosent contact i have to phone her etc,i do go and see her after work but i feel like a fool we just sit and watch tv pretty pointless eh?

    so i decide to leave my job i thought if i gave her a scare shed maybe cave in but no that back fires she wishes me all the best she hopes things all turn out good for me but she does cry,ive left work now for 3 months she texts once every week to see how i am i try not to reply but i feel i have to,then today i see her at a local shop she waves then phones me to confirm it was me she seen the usual “hi are you ok i wasent sure it was you are you ok etc etc”im nice and civil on the phone,after 2 hours it starts to bug me i think you only phoned me because you seen me otherwise i wouldnt have heard from you i become pretty honest by text and tell her how selfish i think she is just all the hurt id bulit up came out i was pretty nasty to her she told me i was the most hurtful spitful person shed ever met,so now i feel really bad what do i do have i done the right thing???oh nearly forgot i managed to get it out of her before id left work someone had done something bad to her thats why she didnt like having sex getting touched or being cuddled i was the only person shed ever told and she wanted it to stay that way,any insight id be very grateful and the thing is i really want back with this girl.

    • Hey Neil. So you two were colleagues? she was your manager as part of your job place?

      Anyway she had just come out of a 6 year relationship with a guy who cheated oon her and was pretty mean to her
      Unfortunately i hate to say this but it sounds like you may have been a rebound relationship, this happens because you go out with someone too soon after their last relationship. I believe this should be talked about more because many people go into relationships with others who are not yet ready for a new long term relationship. Im not sure if this counts your chances as zero because sometimes rebound relationship do workout but she has been in relationship for 6 years and that is very risk to date someone whos mind was probably not in the right place regardless of how badly you wanted it to work.

      Also spending a lot of time around a lover may seem good but can damage your relationship, when dating a woman who is fresh out of a breakup you should wait atleast 3-6 months at the very least if you want something more serious term and seeing them less in the earlier stages, seeing a rebound too much only helps them to remember their ex as they are still in a ‘comparing stage’. Lets be honest she cant turn her feeling for her ex off in a week or month when they have been together for 6 years right?

      I think you know whats wrong. She is not really feeling this relationship for the most point, im sorry to say this. Everytime a woman has sex with a man she feels a lot, and its very likely she avoids sex because it reminds her of the ex and those intimate moments they had. A womans memory is powerful for emotional reasons, it doesnt forget so easily.

      BOOM her ex well call him John and i dont know what upset me more the fact that he was getting a gift or the fact his cost more an I-Shave
      I can see two things here and you would be nuts to not understand why i say this:

      1) you have chosen to be in this relationship without thought of how much she still likes her ex.
      2) your reaction to the whole thing only proves that you are right but that you are also feeling threatened by the ex, this is not attractive to her even if it is wrong.

      My best advice is not to date someone who still invested or attatched to their ex. If she leaves you must accept it because she will do whatever she wants to regardless of whether you do not like it or not. If his present is more expensive than yours you know how she really feels about you. If this was me i would get out now, not because of the present but because you get this gut feeling for a reason. She is still involved with the ex and she expects you to trust her?

      If they had kids together i could maybe understand it.

      It all comes down to if you trust her or not, if she had good reason to do it forgive it just dont forget it. IF she is hiding it from you that is when you should be most concerned. When someone hides it gives more reason to leave the relationship. If she leaves it out in the open she probably thought you would be okay with it.

      we have a month or so break she wants me back i go back,a few weeks down the line i bulid up the guts to ask what happened with the christmas gifts and guess what she gave them the presents i felt so betrayed,again
      Do not try to control her, she can give them presents if she wants but if she keeps contact with him in other ways such as meeting up, that is when you should be curious.

      You need to improve yourself because, just know that you could have probably picked a better time to date this woman rather than straight after a breakup. You must become more secure and trusting of her because if you do not you will lose her for good by the sounds of it. If she leaves anyway and goes back to her ex she was going to do it from day 1 and never treated your relationship seriously. You are your own best judge on who she wants more and if she is hiding stuff from you logically you should be out of this relationship already.

      IF you have a reason to not trust her then you know what to do i.e breakup and let it go.

      shes walking around likes shes over it and shes fine, this is doing my nut in.
      She is pretending she is okay or she was never into you to begin with, you are your best judge on this. She may have never been into you or she may have and now is just acting like she is over it. Never have serious relationships with co workers! its dangerous stuff. Only do it if you are leaving that work place or she is.

      she just wants us to be friends
      Tell her you do not want to be friends if she brings it up, you feel you deserve more but at the same time will keep your working partnership proffesional. This is technically a big mess because you are still in a job place where you work together all the time, if it was me id be onto the next job asap. The reason for not being friends is you can recover and that you see no reason to be friends. If you remain friends you will mess up any chances you still have. Get into that NC. NC in your case would be used only when you are not at work but when you are in work you will have limited contact only. This means if you have to talk then you have to but there should be no chit chat talk.

      BTW how old are you mate? Do you know that this relationship would be tough from the first day you got into it? This relationship sounds disastrous! I mean that in the best way possible.
      You are unhappy and i can sense it, you need to toughen up in your own space, you are way too attatched to this relationship right now and you need to become less emotionally dependant on her. Find something that keeps your mind off her, hobby+gym.

      its serious i might never walk again im off work for 4 months
      Im sorry to hear this, i too have a slight issue like this. You are not alone, i hope you get back to your best. You must however do your best to keep positive because if you manifest this feeling sorry for yourself too much you will lose everything and i mean it, you are always welcome to come here to share any pain you are feeling. I support you all the way.

      all the while im thinking great she cares about me well get back together
      Stop thinking like this, its for your own health. Get your own health back to normal first including any sadness or anger you are feeling. You cannot get any ex back while in this mindset.

      she dosent contact i have to phone her etc,i do go and see her after work but i feel like a fool
      Stop chasing her, stop contacting her. LET her come to you. Stop seeing her and tell her to stop seeing you. She is not officially with you when she is on a break. She is unconsciously telling you that you have become less attractive to her, it is all in your mind how attractive you are. So 1) Do not chase 2) Back away and heal 3) Let her come to you 4) stop expecting her to come back to you.

      You will not get her back if you act like this. You need to get control of yourself, calm down.

      i thought if i gave her a scare shed maybe cave in but no that back fires
      This is not how attraction works but i will let you know what to do. You do not try to impress a woman, chase her or try to manipulate her in anyway, scaring her into coming back is a form of manipulation whether you consciously know it or not. This above is play like playing games, it is very insincere.

      To attract her back you just need to back away and become stronger in your mind. It is your mindset that deems your attractiveness to her, she finds you less attractive now because you have become insecure, less trusting and stewing in your own pity. I know that is not nice to hear but im being honest, womans attraction is very different, you need to get hold of yourself and do the best to pull back and become detatched from this relationship. Clear your head.

      after 2 hours it starts to bug me i think you only phoned me because you seen me otherwise i wouldnt have heard from you i become pretty honest by text and tell her how selfish i think she is
      you really need to calm down and stop being angry, you are only further feeding her ego and reminding her you care too much about her, its turning her off! Grab hold of yourself!

      I will tell you more what to do in my next message but for now, relax and calm it. You seem to be being very impulsive through your emotions, you need to get control of yourself. You also have a lack of patience and acceptance, when someone breaks up with you then you must accept it. Flying off the handle and calling her names is not going to get your relationship back. It does not matter if she has been nasty either, always be the better person and walk away with dignity.

      someone had done something bad to her thats why she didnt like having sex getting touched
      Now you can see that your insecurity has gotten the best of you. She didnt want sex until she felt better about herself. I am not saying this is your fault only as it takes two to tango but if you stop and read this for a while you will notice that you have tried to rush this relationship and when you havent gotten something your way you have flown off the handle too often.

      I hope this helps, it might seem harsh but you really need to put less emphasis on this relationship and her and more on yourself right now. I cant afford to see my fellow man beating his head over the desk and crying his eyes out while also losing his mind. If you want her back it may still be possible but you really need to be welcoming to my advice. Take it easy and keep strong. Talk to you later.

      • Hi man thanks for your quick reply let me clear a few things up,i think everything you are saying is spot on but so i can understand better i need to fill you in a little more as there are important bits i feel i may have missed out yesterday as i was in a bit of a rush.Ok here we go again im 30 i left my job 3 months ago and due to my injury im currently unemployed,we split up a year past in May so its not like this is a new breakup this has been going on for a while,so ill start from the beginning we started seeing each other i new her situation i asked if she was 100 per cent sure this is what is wanted her reply “yes of course it is”wonderful im really happy with this,it turns out she hadnt had sex with her ex for over a year they were just kind of friends really in the end up, although he was away getting it elsewhere,so they both decided to call it a day.As you know things were fine with us to start with up until the christmas thing i had no doubts in my mind she was in contact with him she said she never heard from him she deleted his number removed him from facebook etc,im cool with this i trust her 100 per cent i have no reason not to.I just dont know at which point she felt differently she just didnt tell me i had to guess she was really deep as she is with her family and friends.So weve been split for over a year ive left my job shes still there i left for both our sakes really because it couldnt have been easy for the two of us and we kept falling out anyway.So before i broke my back lets say October last year she tells me she needs a new boiler for her house i say”i hope youve got insurance”her reply “no no i dont need it to worry about that”turns out her dad had asked her ex to fit it,as you can imagine i flip my lid AGAIN…….so yet again im gutted but im not with her she can see who she likes when she likes this is what shes quoted me in the past by the way,then as soon as shes said it her quick fire answer is”im not seeing anyone anyway”which oddly enough i really believe her,so thats me caught you up to that part,i never ever met her mother or her grandparents i did meet her sisters and her father a few times.So were up to now present day you know the story with the shopping incident yesterday i felt really bad after it i wanted to phone her and say i was sorry but i didnt,today i went out did a bit of exercise really sweated the strain out my brain and i felt great i wanted to go again it took all the stress and pain away,so im sitting with my family eating lunch a few hours ago and they ask have you heard from her after yesterday i say”no”then my sister asks”do you still feel bad” i reply “no i feel great all that anger i had bottled up i had to let it out and now i feel fresh”then my sister says im looking alot better but ive really screwed my chances up,so my question to you is do i keep up the NC rule play it cool and see if i ever hear from her again?????thanks again for your quick response and support keep up the good work,i look forward to hearing from you soon.

        • we split up a year past in May so its not like this is a new breakup this has been going on for a while
          This May or last May?

          I just dont know at which point she felt differently she just didnt tell me i had to guess she was really deep as she is with her family and friends.
          This is for you to work out, from what i have read and dont get me wrong you did come off insecure at certain points of the relationship (being insecure isn’t abnormal but it can cost the relationship). You say you trusted her and she deleted her ex etc so from there on it should have been fine and dandy.

          She (your ex) needs to get her head on straight too, inviting the ex around to fit the boiler doesn’t seem like her choice, perhaps her parents influenced that? She needs to be in a place where she no longer needs the ex but as you said she has been with him many years and he will probably play a big part in her future as friends, i know a woman who broke up with her husband but they are still friends. Your best is to let her ex boyfriend mess his own chances up, he being around is most likely to make mistakes, she may even friendzone him.

          Who does she seem to want in her life more? You or him?

          “im not seeing anyone anyway”
          What was this in reply to? Did you ask her? OR did she bring this up randomly?

          i felt really bad after it i wanted to phone her and say i was sorry but i didnt
          Yeah leave it for now.

          today i went out did a bit of exercise really sweated the strain out my brain and i felt great
          Good stuff. Keep doing this, this will boost your confidence and make you happier.

          ive really screwed my chances up
          Lets be honest was she any spring chicken either? did she do many things wrong when in the relationship with you. Lets work on what you can change about yourself.

          do i keep up the NC rule play it cool and see if i ever hear from her again
          Yep, if she contacts you let me know.

          ALSO never believe an ex 100% just because they tell you they are ‘not’ dating someone else.
          I mean you can trust them but never believe their words are final, if she randomly brought that up it could mean she was hiding something. Many of us get blinded by exes words simply because we love them too much, its important to know that every ex is human and can still lie or even hide things from you.

          after 2 hours it starts to bug me i think you only phoned me because you seen me otherwise i wouldnt have heard from you i become pretty honest by text and tell her how selfish i think she is
          This is something i wanted to touch on again too, you cannot do the above. Even if you feel hard done by or the ex is being a ***** do not get angry and send her messages that come off as looking paranoid or insecure. Don’t get me wrong, you prob have good reasons to be angry but do not act on your emotions, it is the wrong thing to do. Not only does it feed her ego but it lets her know the little things bother you most, you must care less about the outcome of this relationship for it to become better.

          Any more questions, please feel free to ask!
          Good luck

          • Hi jay just a note to keep you up to date so that you know whats goin on and you can give me your advice on it,ok so i havent spoken to you since way back last week,and i broke the NC rule i was doing the deliveries last sunday night and i seen her driving her dads van she drove right past me and i waved she didnt wave back as the night went on i past her another 2 times but i didnt wave as the night wore on it started to get to me i kept thinking after everything ive done for you why didnt you wave????so the next day i text her to say id seen her driving her dads van did she not see me waving at her??i got an instant reply saying “it wasent me what van”??i said “your dads van”,she sent back”” it wasent me i was working last night it mustve been her twin sister well call her debbie,this started to really wind me up because i always thought i was able to tell them apart,anyway the texts went on she sent stuff like “im not a liar it wasent me”” i swear on my neices life it wasent ive no need to lie”,and my personal favourite,”do you know what i dont need to explain myself to you”,now obviously im no saint and i did send some stuff back but the only time i seem to get a reaction or abit of compassion is when shes angry with me and shes said that herself that she thinks i wind her up just to get a reaction,this is very true,so this is now 8 days later i havent heard from her since and thats what really bugs me about it how she has the ability to just switch off that is why ive asked you if you think it bothers her on a daily basis or is she over it,id like to think she does think about me but theres this thing in my head telling me she dosent,way back she used to tell me i knew her better than she knew herself and other things like shed hate for anything to happen to me and that she really cares about me,now ive left that job for nearly 3 months now and ive seen her twice and heard from her a handful of times this really upsets me because even when we werent together we were still very close and always spoke at work,dont get me wrong i knew this suited her having the best of both worlds being single but having me around but as you know i could no longer handle it,tonight i turned on my facebook page to see her sister had put a picture of her up and it all suddenly hit me again,ive deleted my ex from facebook do i delete her sister aswell to save myself from further misery???now the other thing is this my friends keep saying i need to get a grip and start going out with other woman,to be honest i cant my confidence is gone and i couldnt put someone through that when my head wouldnt be in it 100 per cent id always be thinking about the ex,this is what makes me think ive met the 1 it hasent happened am i going to be miserable forever???your advice and time is always welcome and thanks again for taking the time to read my messages,neil.

          • Breaking the NC rule is when you purposely break it. If it was accidental you couldnt help it.

            However you really need to get out of places where your likely to see her and if you do see her in places you must look like everything is fine, do not purposely put yourself into places where she will see you though if you can help it. Like i said she is no spring chicken, she did not wave, she is rude.

            so the next day i text her to say id seen her driving her dads van did she not see me waving at her??
            Stop breaking NC because your feelings are hurt, just play it cool instead. Dont make it about you and your feelings! Be okay with it, if it was her she is a liar but remember if this isnt her then regardless you acting on your emotion again. Dont let it get the better of you mate.

            In NC you cannot keep contacting her and acting on your feelings, you need more self control.You are otherwise going to keep messing up your chances and end up paranoid if it wasnt her.. the question is not whether is it is her but to stick to NC, just do it.

            You should be using NC to fix yourself and work on yourself not to wind her up and chase her around, do not miss the point of NC. Because you will keep acting on your emotions over and over and eventually put her off for good.

            Mate your gonna have to take NC more seriously, your aim is NOT to win her back but to ‘allow’ her to come back when she is ready, but more importantly you have to change your mindset whether that takes week or months. You cannot make her think of you by winding her up either, allow her to come back when she wants. Focus on something else now.

            And YES delete her sister! And stop using facebook (atleast until this is sorted).. Facebook is going to ruin you from the inside out because it is an emotional mind f*ck, im putting that nicely in the best way. If you use facebook you will see things like her sisters picture and other info and it will make you feel like poop. Anything that makes you feel emotional get it out of your sight! Lets face it is looking or spying on her profile or other family going to help your emotional health?

            the other thing is this my friends keep saying i need to get a grip and start going out with other woman
            Listen to your friends, they want the best for you and i do too, your friends can sense she is your everything and you need to grow out of this. She is just a woman and you need to see your past mistakes and get over her, you get over her because its the only thing you can do right now. Get out with your friends more, the more you get exes off your mind the stronger position you are in to get them back later. Find lots of hobbies, sports and things to do with your friends and keep at it for a few months, you will better eventually and when that time comes your ex will come back (if she cares enough). Do not be the chaser, be the one that got away. And work on yourself during this NC, do not wait for her to come back.

  131. Pingback: How Do You Move On After a Breakup? « Honestgoodadvice's Blog

  132. Hello I was very curious as to if this truly works. I want my ex back more than anything and don’t have time to be dealing with scammers

  133. IF your talking about the article its not a scam, if your talking about witch doctors commenting here with magic spells then yes.

    If NC is done properly it works to its potential.

  134. Crystal Johnson.. These people are spammers.. And keep posting their spam all over my page.. as you can see the poster addressed i am a DR Augustus.. that is not my name. I would believe most of these comments are not only spammers but also fraudsters.. be careful. Best wishes

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